Am not sure I can cope also

[emmad1982]

My partner and I are 23. When I met my partner his ex was 3 months pregnant they had only been together a couple of months and it didn't end up working out, he didn't have the right feeling for her unfortunatley. Now his daughter is nearly a year old and she has spent every saturday just about with us, but I still get anxiety about the situation. There is the problem that his ex constantly contacts him about trivial matters for example she text him 4 times in the space of 12 hours confirming times dates of having his daughter, even though it has been the same for the past year this is just one example, also when I first got with my partner his ex was giving me dirty phone calls. She is contantly being difficult for example it is his daughters 1 st birthday soon and she won't let us have her that weekend we had planned to have a party for her.
Before we have his daughter I feel sick and axious what is this all about. I don't see his ex as a threat and I know he loves me alot and I feel the same, so why do I feel like this.
What is happening why am i getting the anxiety? Why is his ex like this.

Sorry you're having a bad time emma

As a stepmum, you will very often find that the ex is difficult - don't know why but you only have to read some of the conversations on here to see that it's often the case. Have you told your DP how you feel? He'll be able to re-assure you, but it's up to him to tell his ex that she shouldn't be texting him all the time to confirm arrangements for visits when it's been the same for all this time

Emmad,probably not what you want to hear,but 23 is awfully young to be involved with all these complications.
You'd be better off finding a boyfriend with no family ties and enjoying a carefree youth.

wise words, moondog, as usual.

his ex may be like this b/c he dumped her whilst she was pregnant and she's trying to find her feet as a single mum.

tbh, if i met a bloke who told me he'd just left his pregnant girlfriend, you wouldn't see me for dust, especially at 23.

It can be very hard being a parent to a new born, and I would guess even harder when you are a single parent. Her ex has left her and is now with someone else while she is left, ahem, holding the baby.

I don't think it is unreasonable for her to want to be with her daughter on her first birthday. I had to go to work on ds's 1st birthday and felt gutted all day about it. She does, after all, provide the majority of care (and sleep deprivation, and having no social life etc etc) and will have a closer bond that either your or your partner, no matter how much you feel for his daughter.

I also think your anxiety is very understandable. I am a step parent and it can be hard to know where you fit into a situation as you have met someone you care about but his daughter, and sometimes his ex have to come before you. No matter how much you give to his daughter, you are always last in the queue. He has a difficult situation to manage and how you feel about his ex will, in large part, depend on how well he does that - if you feel secure you won't feel threatened by his ex.

I'm sorry that there are not any easy answers to this, but I do wish you well.

I don't have any advice about your overall situation. I certainly would have been overwhelmed at 23 as a single-Mum or a step-Mum. Have you thought that your nerves, however unpleasant they are, just show how much you care?

One year olds don't know it's their birthdays - you can have her party the weekend before or the weekend after and she will just love all the fuss. DS1 had three celebrations - one with my Mum, he fell asleep . One with just us, we went to the zoo and had a fab time and one with his other grandparents. I have some brilliant memories of those couple of days - hope you have a lovely time together.

I think if your dp and his x can, they need to find some way of both being able to spend time with their daughter on her birthday. I don't think one parent should take priority over the other, they will both quite naturally want to see her. If she won't let you have her at all then that isn't really on.

You say your dp didn't have the right feelings for her, did she have feelings for him? If so she must be finding it really difficult seeing him with someone else and happy, and that could be why she's being like she is with you. It doesn't make it right, but could maybe explain it. I was rather taken aback at dh's x's reaction to me. As far as I knew she had finished the relationship to move someone else in, so I couldn't see how she could have a problem with dh having a partner. What's good for the goose and all that! It turned out though that she still had feelings for dh and at one stage told dh never to expect her to speak to me because I'd married him. From that point I stopped taking things personally and realised that it was all about her feelings and not about me, and I have just tried to give her no reason to criticise me - except she has told me not to bother trying to do the right thing because I never will!. Hey ho, that's her problem.

Do you think you are anxious about the actual time you have with his daughter, or do you get on and have a great time? I used to get really anxious when it came to contacts with dsd but it wasn't about her, it was all to do with the aggro that we had with the x and her then partner. Every time we turned up to collect her they would be unpleasant, and dh was assaulted by one or the other 3 times - all in front of dsd. We had to get the police involved and handovers were even at the police station at one point. We had endless abusive phone calls and I was threatened by dh's x. What was making me anxious was all the animosity. I didn't understand it, just wasn't used to it and had never really encountered anyone as aggressive as those two in my life!

Oh and one book that I found really helpful was "The Relate Guide to Second Families". Anyway, welcome to mumsnet (I take it you're new). You'll get lots of support here.

Thankyou all for your advice and thoughts it has made me feel better already.

I know it was not a nice thing to leave his girlfriend but she found out after they had split up that she was preganant, so if he has stayed with her then it would have been for the wrong resons and that wouldn't have been fair on the baby.

His daughters birthday is on a thursday so her mum will see her then and then we wanted see her on the Saturday (as usual)...... but she wanted to change that, but you are right a one year old won't know the difference whether she has her birthday party one weekend to the next, and ive always got to remember that really that as long as his daughter is happy then silly little things like his ex being difficult don't matter ive just got to rise above it and think of it from her point of view that it must be hard for her.

But it has been a year and a half, now so you would have thought that things would have settled, but I expect it can be hard being a single mum.

When we have his daughter it's lovely and nice it's just the lead up before, but I think that it is because of the grief from his ex thats making me feel this way.

I know im young to be putting up with this but I have had a good life upto now and done alot for my age so am happy to carry on.

You're so right about rising above it. The way we looked at it was that it wasn't good from dsd's point of view, it wasn't good for our stress levels and if dh's x was being difficult on purpose then we just wouldn't let her bait us into an argument. Once we adopted that philosphy things were much better. We were still at times frustrated and annoyed at the unfairness of things, but we were doing the best thing for dsd. She didn't need to have her mum and dad continuing to argue with each other.

Things do settle down with time. Well they have in our case, but it was a good 4 or 5 years before things improved. At one point I wondered if it ever would. Dh can now pick up dsd from school on a Friday if he's finished work in time, we've had her for extra days over and above the Court Order and this year, for the first time in 8 years we had her for Christmas Day.

Hang on in there. You sound really level headed and you're going to do fine. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you and so is his little girl.

I met my DSD father when i was 22 and Bm was very difficult. Over time it does calm down. You just have to ride it through. It is a young age to start with the step parenting thing but if you are happy with DP then you will work it out

Hello all,

I ahve justy joined mumsnet today following a leaflet from my health visitor. I have just had a wee baby boy - 10 wks old and have two step-children a boy of 9 and girl of 3yrs. I am feeling a bit low today following another arguement about my stepchildren with their dad an wondered if i'm in the right place for advice and support - if not will someone let me know where i can go to chat to individuals in sinmilar situations - other ster-parents. I should mention that i am not a resident step-parent anymore following changes in access.

Wellcome Roo28 . Yes you are in the right place, there are lots of step-mothers here.

Thats great! Thanks for your response. I see my step-children every 2nd weekend Friday @ 5pm til MOnday @8.30am and then every alternative Monday from 5pm til Tuesday @ 8.30am. I ahve a new baby and have popped home to see my mother as i am not feeling great at the moment with a wee virus - my partner totally objects to me doing this as i am missing a night with my two step-children. I feel that this is really unfair as i never miss spending time with them even when i feel i can not cope or really need the break. My SS has developmental problems and can be difficult to manage and when the children are with us it is me who undertakes all the activities and care with them. My husband appears to not want to spend anytime with them alone anymore and perhaps become too reliant on me?
Tis getting me down as this is an issue that continually arises - i aim to always be home for my sc coming home with dinner cooked etc but this is sometimes not possible as my friends and family and health do not keep the smae schedule as my hsuband and his x. Am i being unreasonable?

Thats great! Thanks for your response. I see my step-children every 2nd weekend Friday @ 5pm til MOnday @8.30am and then every alternative Monday from 5pm til Tuesday @ 8.30am. I ahve a new baby and have popped home to see my mother as i am not feeling great at the moment with a wee virus - my partner totally objects to me doing this as i am missing a night with my two step-children. I feel that this is really unfair as i never miss spending time with them even when i feel i can not cope or really need the break. My SS has developmental problems and can be difficult to manage and when the children are with us it is me who undertakes all the activities and care with them. My husband appears to not want to spend anytime with them alone anymore and perhaps become too reliant on me?
Tis getting me down as this is an issue that continually arises - i aim to always be home for my sc coming home with dinner cooked etc but this is sometimes not possible as my friends and family and health do not keep the smae schedule as my hsuband and his x. Am i being unreasonable?

No you are not being unreasonable. You have a new baby and are ill, they will survive without you this once, relax. Do him good to spend time with the kids alone.

No, he is.

This is what i think but DH does not see it that way - he advises me that i am 'splitting' the family. I am a step-daughter myself and have tried to explain that this is not the case. I have advised him that out of the 5 of us he is the only person to have a problem with the 'step' parent situation - i have a great relationship with my two SC but am worried that i may start to resent them if my DH keeps me 'prisoner' every time we are due to have them. I appreciate that they should bond with their new baby brother but my goodness this should be natural and not forced and he is only 10wks old. My SS would rather play the x-box and SD is 3 and as anyone with a toddler knows - she is only interested in herself at the moment which is right on point for a wee deverloping egocentrical 3 year old.
My family are veginning to resent DH irrational behaviour and i am considering couples counselling as an option.

I feel so relived that i ahve found a bit of support - am away to have a coffee and breath a sigh of relief - THANKS XXX

Couples counselling sounds a good idea. Always useful to get someone in who can stand back and show each person the other point of view.

I'd second Caligula on the couples councelling thing.

I agree allowing him to spend some time with his children will make him appreciate you more and relise what a big help you are, and also your new baby needs you for a while now.

Have decided to talk to him again about this issue - really starting to dread children coming for Easter Holidays as it will be so much work and i definately will not be allowed to have a night off or time away.
Thanks for your support.