Any suggestions?

[Lilypad34]

I'll try and keep this short, DF has a DD (8) he works shifts earlies, lates & nights...in between the the late and first night we have dsd from 2pm unless she's at school then from school until bedtime at 7.30 when she goes to mums and DF goes to work.

On his 4 off days we have her from the 1st off day at 2pm (he gets in at 7am the same day) until the evening of his last day off as the following morning he is up at 5am. I barely get any time with him alone and although this has been discussed nothing has really changed and dsd should have time with her dad.

My issue is, I work away from home for a few weeks at a time every other month and so while I am away he does as he pleases and his ex gf calls the shots..he allows it.

I get home and want a bit of time with him which he's agreed with but then in steps the ex..she's been invited for cocktails, she's got a hair appt, she's going away the list goes on so can we have dsd. She's entitled to a life of course but it's now at the detriment of our time together.

I have no idea why DF bends over backwards to accommodate his ex (perhaps it's guilt) we have talked but we end up fighting as he thinks i'm being unreasonable. She has a copy of his shift pattern which p*sses me off because she knows he's every free moment and uses it as much as possible. The last straw being a text...'i've fallen out with my dad can you come and help me move a wardrobe' No are you busy, are you available would it be ok etc...I am at the point where I want to call off of upcoming wedding because I cannot stand having her as a third person in our relationship.

The only person who can put a stop to this is DF but for whatever reason he doesn't see it or doesn't want to (he is the 'I want an easy life' type) I know he's under pressure to balance life as much as possible and to keep things friendly which is ultimately the best for dsd.

I feel totally pushed out, it's like having a ghost with us, he doesn't get any time to himself unless he's working then it's maybe a morning before a late shift. I don't want to take all of his time I just want one day and one evening to ourselves.

If dsd is staying over with me and DF is at work she goes to bed no problem, as soon as he's off work and it;s bed time she calls downstairs 2 - 3 times and each time he gives in to her leaving me sitting alone until sometimes 10pm when we're then tired and I go to bed.

This is a never ending cycle and I am so fed up of being the bad guy trying to get some time alone. Am I really awful and am I being unreasonable?

I feel so stressed amongst planning a wedding and worrying i'll never see my husband!

Ok so this wasn't that short..sorry!

You are not alone in having these feelings and wanting time without dsc around.

How you deal with it, I don't really know. Your dp needs to try to understand that his ex is his ex and why are her needs for cocktail parties/wardrobe moving/time off more important than yours?

I know he wants to see his daughter as much as possible but if he wants to have a new wife, then surely he has to understand that he has to make time not only for his daughter but for you too?

I'm fed up with talking to him, with him saying he understands then doing nothing about it. Another issue is when I am at home and we have dsd she goes to bed but calls 'DAD' at 2,3,4 times..every time he goes up to see her. I've said she calls you because she knows you'll go but according to him she only does this when I am at home. I'm at my wits end I wonder if maybe he'd be better off as a single dad as he would only then have to devote his time to his daughter without any other needing his time.

I'm going to be blunt - sorry - but why, oh why are you planning to marry him yet?

Put the wedding plans on hold and Sort this issue out first.

My DP was a guilty Disney dad and I refused to commit to him or move in together until we'd attended parenting classes and met with the family support worker at the DCs schools.
This helped us agree some ground rules but more importantly, it made him think about his parenting rather than just acting out of guilt.
He looked back now horrified at the type of Dad he was - your DP probably will too if you tackle this and learn how to 'parent' together

OMG im sorry, but i wouldnt put up with this rubbish!

I feel sorry for you just reading it.

Your DP sounds far too soft, both with his daughter and her mother.

You need to put your foot down, your making some changes or there will be no wedding!

And stick to your guns.

Dont put up with this shit, you ll have this for years to come if you dont put your foot down.

So last night over Skype we talked, not ideal but what can I do I am 2 weeks from going home. I basically said I want to postpone the wedding as until these issues are resolved, married or not they aren't going to change unless we work them out together.

He's in a panic now because I am not the sort to be messed around for long (though 5 years is fairly long, 4 years too long probably!) and he knows I am at the end of my tether and mean business. We both think that due to my absences with work when I am at home and it's dsd bedtime she may feel a bit jealous because as much as I love her she commands attention at all times..I don't always give it or when it's too much I remove myself. So as she's centre of the universe in the daytime come bedtime she probably feels she's going to miss out. I'm certain that it's normal for any child to feel this way at times.

He has suggested we talk to her about it, though I am unsure of this, call me mean but in the past talking to dsd has had no effect but actions do, I would ignore her when she shouts downstairs.

I get on edge when she shouts downstairs because I am wondering if he's going to go upstairs for an hour or ignore her, which makes him annoyed as he knows I'm frustrated and we end up sitting in silence!!

I know I am not her mum so I don't have the emotional pull that he as her father gets, I don't feel guilt for ignoring her or telling her no. He seems to. I have a good relationship with dsd we FaceTime while i'm away and she says she misses me. When I get home she ignores her dad and only wants me, I find the transition of complete lack of child to total lack of silence difficult.

I work hard to put healthy boundaries in place for dsd which then get undone when DF can't be arsed to continue with once i'm gone, his child his right I guess but if he ever said "I don't like your rules' I would step back and allow him to continue as he pleases but he doesn't say anything he thanks me for how much time I spend with her, how lovely she becomes when we're altogether so I figure I must be headed in the right direction?!

To be honest maybe I should back off and keep my mouth shut, I don't have any rights to his daughter and the way he parents her should be the way he wants to. Perhaps I am placing too much of my own parenting ideals on to him.

so until further notice I will remain a Miss!

Sorry to hear this lily - but well done!

You've seen from the other posts here how frustrating a DisneyDad can be - if you and he are going to form a partnership then parenting is something you should agree on together; with him taking the lions share of the work and you backing him up.

If he wants to change, then I would help him all you can - there are bound to be parenting courses locally; which will definitely teach him that ignoring a child shouting for her Dads attention at bed time is the best possible approach to solve the problem .