I have no idea what I should do.....

[Eliza22]

Briefly: sd now 18 and heading off to Uni. Haven't seen her for well over a year. She has refused to see her dad as he supported me over her unacceptable behaviour. Sd wasn't happy with dad moving on and marrying me. We've been together 7 yrs. Sd's mum's affair ended their marriage ten yrs ago.

Dh has, during her absence tried to keep communication lines open. Mostly ignored. Sd refused invites at Xmas and other occasions and refused any gifts for birthday etc. She has refused any contact as she doesn't want to be "reminded of her" (me). I have written to say we wipe the slate clean and more on. Any attempts have been ignored.

Now she has said she wants to come and say goodbye to her dad. Fine. Absolutely fine. I have asked dh to take her out for a nice lunch in order to do this. I feel that this "going off to Uni" goodbye should be a happy occasion, positive and wishing her well. It ought to be. What I can't do is make a nice dinner here and sit smiling/showing interest and excitement for her when she has behaved so dreadfully. She has told horrible lies about the situation we find ourselves in and even her siblings have said "well, that's NOT what happened". I get on well with her 2 siblings.

I'm not sure I want to be involved with her to be honest. She is very manipulative. I don't trust her. She has, right from the start, ignored me or had grudging conversations with no eye contact consisting of no more than 2 sentences). My son is 12. He bounded down the stairs at Christmas to wish her "happy Christmas!" (she'd come to tearfully see her dad, while her mum sat with the engine running on the drive). I called down to her too but she ignored us both, spoke one sentence to her day, and walked away. Then told relatives that "dad wouldn't let me go in on Xmas day" [shocked].

In the past, we've always made a big occasion of her birthdays or achievements. Sadly, she has never so much as wished my son happy birthday and never a card. Her dad's birthday, father's day and Christmas comes and goes without so much as a card. I know we should again be making a happy occasion for her going to Uni but I just don't want to. Petulant? Possibly, but I'd really rather not. Her dad should and that's fine but I feel I've done all I'm doing in the last few years and I'm better off, safer, staying away from her.

Advice? Anyone?

Has she asked to see you too? Or is it just her dad she wants to see for now? If she hasn't specifically asked to include you, and you're not sure you want to see her, then either let him take her our, or find some excuse to be out yourself. Your DH could pass on your best wishes (or even a card) from you wishing her well at Uni.

She texted her dad that this week (as she goes on the 12th) she has a lot of goodbyes to "do". He then invited her over. There has never ebeen any apology for what happened in the past and she was dreadful to dh when he wished her a happy birthday and was there anything she'd like.

No, she didn't request that I be here and it would be easier to not be. She has caused such a lot of trouble and upset..... I'd prefer he took her somewhere nice instead. I really do have very valid reasons for not wanting to see her and I just don't want any more upset. Self-preservation, I guess.

I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to be involved.

You have tried and DSD doesn't want to know. It doesn't mean things can't change in the future but she is an adult now (albeit a young, naive one) and you can't make her like you.

It doesn't matter how hard you've tried, if she doesn't want to know then she doesn't want to. You've done your best and she has made her choices. That's up to her and not your responsibility.

I think there is a danger that she will actually treat you more badly, the more you try because you are not allowing her the consequences of her actions.

Go and do something nice for yourself and let your DP deal with his daughter.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing by proposing to your DH that he takes his daughter out somewhere. You are best off not being involved (and understandably you dont want to be!).

I think this is the best outcome for you all for the time being. Hopefully when this young woman matures she will come to understand a different perspective. You have handled it all very well under the circumstances I think. Well done.

I understand entirly. You know the saddest thing is that you are sat there agonising over it and I can promise you she doesn't give a flying f**k if you're there or not. Sorry to be harsh but that's how they are.

I have one of these myself.

You're right, absolutely JRsgirl. Which is why I have stopped asking dh how she is and why I don't want her here, in my (now safe) place. What distresses me most is that I have never ever come across a person who is so disdainful of others. Someone who works with her at her saturday job stopped me in the street (and I'm only on nodding acquaintance with this woman) to ask me how on earth I put up with her.....how she looks down on everyone and upsets co-workers without a thought. So, I'm just very relieved to NOT to have her around me.

I shall do my utmost to avoid her. Of course, in doing that, I'd be terribly upset to lose contact with her brother and sister. Tricky one, that.