Exs Abusive Partner, DSS upset!

[Gingersnap88]

Hello all,
I'm not really sure what to do or where to turn on this. I feel filled with sadness.

Yesterday we got a call from DH's ex about going back to school next week. DSS (6) was being very rude in the background and DH was not impressed. Ex then went upstairs to talk to DH in private away from the children where she promptly broke down crying.
She's kicked her horrible boyfriend out again. This time when they were arguing, he swore at her and threatened to hit her. DSS came flying out of his bedroom in tears and got between them, trying to protect his mum. He is clearly very distressed and upset, and I'm not sure how to help him? DH doesn't want to make a big deal out of it so we don't scare him or incase they get back together (if they do he is considering contacting the authorities).

No one deserves that, so I feel awful for her and her two children. On the other hand I feel annoyed as she used to manipulate and stop contact between DH and DSS when she was upset about something (like him being with me, moving in together, marriage, baby, etc etc) but she isn't limiting contact with her abusive partner! It's beyond me ?? don't understand at all. She kept telling DH that she was scared of him, that she meant it this time as she doesn't want the children to grow up fearful (DSS has nothing nice to say about her bf, and is always saying how aggressive he is. DSS has developed anger problems since he came on the scene). She's also said that he has threatened to make her life miserable if she leaves him (they have a 2 year old daughter together).

What can we do? Why isn't she doing something about it? Argh!

No advice on the step-parenting side of things but your last sentence has really caught my attention - if you hop over to relationships you will get some great advice and insight into what its like to be in an abusive relationship. Its not as simple as "why doesnt she leave". That is victim blaming. Abuse and DV is all about control. I couldnt get free of my abusive ex for 18months. Its worse when you have a child together as you worry about th effect of the split on the child and that they will try and get residency. You fear for what he will do if you leave. But before even reaching that stage you "normalise" the abuse. Because abusive incidents are a sprinkling amongst perfectly nice behaviour you constantly feel confused and put it down to stress, work, being goaded, health, depression etc. This woman needs to recognise for herself that this is abuse. The stats show that a woman will be hit an average of 13 times before she leaves. You cannot force her to understand, you cannot send authorities round guns blazing because she will probably just deny it out of fear and then you will have isolated her. From my experience I would advise you to watch and monitor the situation. She obv feels she can confide in your DH and I would use that and build on it so that in time and with a steady and calm source of support from him and from following her lead your DH can help her come to the conclusion that she needs to get rid of this guy.

Good luck and please head over to relationships.

That's not actually what I meant at all. I very much understand the complexities of abusive relationships, having been in one myself. It's incredibly hard worrying about a child and having no control where his welfare is concerned. Of course I understand how difficult and frightening this must be for her, as I said to DH last night, but that doesn't make me worry any less. Please don't take offended, I sincerely didn't mean any.

Hi, I am not surprised you feel filled with sadness, how awful. I have tried to post about three times from my phone but keep losing it but your story was so sad I feel I have to respond!

I think you and your DH should seek urgent legal advice about your options for getting your DSS out of there. Does your DH have parental responsibility? This gives him the option of refusing to return DSS were the situation to suddenly escalate. However, if the bf is out of her house this may not be necessary.

But do not delay on getting this advice. It is possible she may take the bf back, she may take him back many times due to the nature of abusive relationships. If he does return, I think you and DH should seriously consider getting DSS out of there - as these situations often get worse rather than better.

Do not underestimate the impact of this on your DSS, he has been living with a very aggressive person for two years and you say he is angry.

You do have control where his welfare is concerned - you can make a case to have him live with you instead and you can involve the relevant agencies too.

And, if there is another child there, and it is bad enough that DSS should not live there, then the authorities need to consider that child too.

We have been here ourselves. I met my husband when his daughter was 3, at age 5, she pleaded her dad to get her out as she said her mum's bf hurt her and hurt her mummy. He immediately took her away and took his ex to the courts, we got full parental responsibility and she has lived with us for 10 yrs now. It has been very hard for all of us....i was only 20 when I met him so it was a fast growth curve for me, for our relationship, for his ex to be without her daughter, for my SDD. She is now 13 and we are very close. Her mum has left her abusive bf, altho unfortunately they had a son together so he still is a shadow looming over her/threatening her etc. My SDD is okay, she sometimes has flashbacks but we have used The Journey for Kids by Brandon Bays to work thru some issues. We had another daughter together and we are a very tight close family, so it doesnt have to end in tears. Its hard tho.....i wish you all the best..