Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I'm worn out. Anyone got advice on how to keep going?

14 replies

littlebluechair · 30/08/2012 20:56

I have a lovely DSS, he lives here with me, DH and DS. He sees his mum EOW and 50% holidays. The issue is not with DSS himself but rather how to keep myself going through the turmoil and upset of him dealing with his feelings about his mum leaving.

I am shattered. I am drained. I am exhausted and to be honest I feel like I am at the end of my tether and often teary.

I love him but I am worn out. I would dearly love a day out with just a vague happy mood. We have come back from holiday and it was pretty dismal tbh.

I have lost my ability to jolly him along, it has drained me (has been this way for a couple of years now) and I feel all wrung out. How do you keep going?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebluechair · 30/08/2012 21:22

I read my post back - I'm sorry for being so moany Sad

OP posts:
planetpotty · 30/08/2012 21:58

How old is DSS?

Original poster
littlebluechair · 30/08/2012 22:12

He's 9.

OP posts:
planetpotty · 30/08/2012 22:27

I'm not surprised your feeling strung out! It sounds like you're doing very well Smile
I think TBH it's just the same as when you have issues with your bio DC you just have to keep going.

Have you spoken with DH about it?

Original poster
littlebluechair · 30/08/2012 23:07

Yes, we have talked, we're just sad really cos it looks like whole family jaunts are at an end for time being. I can see I should keep going but I'm not sure I can. I'm knackered.

OP posts:
theredhen · 31/08/2012 09:25

After two years is it really about his mum leaving or is it something different?

There has to come a time when normality comes first rather than pandering.

You dont give too many details but maybe dss has learnt this behaviour and it's become the norm for him?

Kaluki · 31/08/2012 10:47

I'm wondering if it is really about his Mum still. If he still sees her regularly and is quite happy living with you then I don't get why he is still so down.
He should really be coming to terms with it all 2 years on - if he isn't then would he benefit from counselling maybe?
Maybe it is a kind of habit? Does he get more attention when he is down?

How does all this affect your own DS, it must be hard on him too.
I feel for you Sad

Original poster
littlebluechair · 31/08/2012 12:55

Yes, he does get plenty of attention for it. Its actually 6 years since mum left, only 2 years ago he suddenly got miserable. Contact is consistent but not good - mum is basically selfish. Two years ago he got angry she left, now he's stuck in it.

DH and him do family counselling as it gives them space to talk. I'm sick of it, I really am.

Yes, it is crap for DS.

I think it is a habit tbh but I don't know how to break it. I'm so drained Sad

Thank you all for responding, when I read the word 'pandering' I actually cried because I think I'm so scared of upsetting him I'm over listening.

OP posts:
theredhen · 31/08/2012 13:12

You're part of all this too and yet I bet everyone will talk of "poor dss" and feel sorry for him whilst no one acknowledges what you do.

Us step mums on here can offer empathy and understanding that others won't think to give but you also have to look after yourself and take some time out from dss and family life when you can. It's important for you to recharge your batteries and your ability to cope.

prettywhiteguitar · 31/08/2012 13:13

That sounds draining, if he's having counselling maybe it's time for him to be a brave boy about it all ? And discuss his fears and anger there and try to be brave at home ? I don't think its healthy to go on about it

Try to get time for yourself away from the family, I know it's difficult but it might help (pretend you're taking up jogging !)

theredhen · 31/08/2012 13:35

Pretty - funnily enough I have actually taken up jogging since I became part of a step family! No co incidence, I feel. Grin

prettywhiteguitar · 31/08/2012 19:57

Yes yes jogging is the way !! Over the summer hols I have been driven to distraction by my family, I go for a jog and then I can be polite to them

I also go to Turbobox too ;)

planeticketplease · 01/09/2012 20:57

It does sound like a way to remain the centre of attention to me. What is his incentive to be happy and cheerful when he gets so much more being miserable/? My dss (10) plays the martyr to perfection (about loads of things) and its really hard not to get sucked into giving him loads of attention for it and therefore reinforcing what is essentially an unhealthy way of thinking. Maybe just try to ignore the moods and sullen looks and really engage fully when he acts normally. We found the moods got worse to start with but dss is learning slowely that it no longer works.

Tme out sounds a good idea. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and maybe its time to look after yourself.

I think I may take up jogging too... a whole half hour alone would be bliss !!(even if I had to run!)

Original poster
littlebluechair · 02/09/2012 14:31

Oh wow, today we have tried hard to ignore sulking, we have done much better, but I have noticed dss getting more grumpy not less. I have realised I just dread things now, I'm so sad to have ended up like this, I think its just crept up on me without me realising Sad

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page