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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Being the bearer of unexpected news

19 replies

RCbeanbag · 29/08/2012 00:46

OK. Joined up a few days ago specifically for advice but been unsure whether to post for fear of confusing the issue. But I just can't seem to reach a decision about the best way to handle this.

My eldest DSS is 17 and arrived at my house out of the blue with his 'friend'. DSS explained he was gay and this was his partner and could I tell his dad. Thanks mate.

I tried to tell DSS that dad, who is a lovely and non judgemental man, would be fine with it so long as DSS was happy, and that I know to be the absolute truth. However DSS says he can't face dad and will I break the news.

DSS said he won't tell dad and I am worried that if I don't DP will find out eventually that I knew all along and didn't say. I will also feel shit about keeping this from him.

Crap! How to do without making DP feel like an unapproachable monster. He beats himself up daily and has for the last 14 years about being a crap dad for leaving. He will take this as proof his son doesn't feel close enough to him to tell him himself. God. I am already having palpitations at the thought of having to do emergency 'your not a crap dad counselling' for the millionth time. If I am unsuccessful as sometimes is the case DP self harms (last time he burned his arm with a hot iron).

So do I broach the subject or keep out of it and hope DSS doesn't dob me in for not telling earlier when DP inevitably finds out by mistake?

OP posts:

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monsterchild · 29/08/2012 00:51

I have no idea! OP I feel for you, I have a 6 yo DSS, and while DH and I have joked that if she were gay her mom would flip, I don't know that I could be the messenger!

I agree that DSS needs to tell, but I also understand how frightening that could be. Do they get along? would bringing it up at a dinner or something where it is just the three of you work? Something like "DH, DSS has something he'd like you to know, it's so exciting!"

that could be terrible advice, I don't know!

NellyJob · 29/08/2012 00:51

DP (a lovely man) might burn himself with a hot iron...and dss might 'dob you in'......
ffs ...leave them to it.

omfgkillmenow · 29/08/2012 00:52

i would just say i had my suspicions that dss was gay and maybe he could have a word?

monsterchild · 29/08/2012 00:52

ooh, OP I didn't see that bit about DP burning himself in penance! that's pretty heavy stuff. Is DSS worried that if DH doesn't approve he'll feel responsible for DH harming himself?

poorfoxyloxy · 29/08/2012 00:53

just put them in a room together, blurt it out and run out the door, it's what they do in sitcoms so it must work???

seriously, who knows, i think you just need to tell your dp that his son needs to talk to him, and impart the seriousness and then do what they do in the sitcoms????

omfgkillmenow · 29/08/2012 00:55

Hi DP, how was your day? ...DSS was here earlier with a "friend" and it seemed to me that they might be a couple but i didn't want to make a comment, why dont you go have a wee chat and see if I got the wrong end of the stick?

IdPreferNot · 29/08/2012 01:32

Your DSS probably doesn't want to tell b/c he realises that his Dad may react badly... not with disapproval but with self-harming, self-criticism, etc. And the teenager doesn't want to deal with that.

Just tell DP. Say the friend seemed nice and you must have done a great job as a Dad to raise a boy with the self-confidence to come out at only 17 and to pick a great boyfriend. Then invite DSS and boyfriend over for tea. DP can bask in the glow of non-judgemental, loving parental acceptance!

ifiwasarichwoman · 29/08/2012 01:36

just tell him?

ifiwasarichwoman · 29/08/2012 01:37

just tell DP, tell him DSS loves him loads and wants his dad to know and cant wait to introduce him to his partner then arrange a meal out or something

Original poster

RCbeanbag · 29/08/2012 01:40

Monster child - no one except DP and I and his old uni mates know about the self harm. It basically amounts to minor arm cutting and burns on rare but distressing occasions. I.e last time was 6 years ago over redundancy. Hurrah for boarding schools and emotionally distant parents. God I am glad my family are what some might term as 'rough'.

I think I have my answer. Thanks to those who were kind enough not to take the piss.

Omfgkillmenow - Thanks. Seems reasonable.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 29/08/2012 01:46

I think you have to introduce an element of 'it must be difficult for dss to pluck up the courage to say anything because it might come as a shock to any parent... it must be difficult to tell your dad... etc'

Try to talk about how it's a difficult subject for any teen. I have a good friend whose son came out at 17 - he was absolutely fine with it but his wife wasn't - started on about not getting any grandchildren! So it's hard to tell how parents will react, especially when it's someone who has resorted to self harming in the past. Does dss know this by the way? If so he must be terrified of the possible reaction.

I do think you must tell dp asap or you're breaching the trust that dss placed in you to break the news.

fortyplus · 29/08/2012 01:47

xp re: dss obviously not knowing about the self harm.

Original poster

RCbeanbag · 29/08/2012 01:55

Thanks fortyplus. I slightly worry that DSS's friend is driving this. I worry DSS isn't actually comfortable with addressing this right now. That said, I could be making excuses as to why DSS is avoiding breaking the news. It's really sad actually as they normally get along really well.

OP posts:

foolserrand · 29/08/2012 01:57

This coming from my dh (I have a dss and dsd thanks to him);

I had suspected for a long while ds was gay. Eventually I found out from my dd. The bluntest approach is always the best IMO. I mean, you always know deep down they're gay and if you don't, or choose not to accept it, the truth remains unavoidable. Shooting the messenger is always the easiest option. It sounds unlikely that your partner would do such a thing though. Your dss will have to learn in his own time that his dad is approachable, nothing can change that.

Dh found out my dss was gay 3 years ago. Dss is asd and likes to cause a scene (one of his many nuances. Not trying to cause offence, just his choice) so created a drama that his dad wouldn't accept him and 'hid' it from him.

I think you'll just have to accept your dss isn't going to tell your dp and you need to. Your dp most likely knows and will feel an element of relief that the truth has finally come out. Yes, he may be upset dss chose to come to you rather than him but sometimes the distance is best. Unfortunately you both need to accept that.

Sorry, not much help.

Original poster

RCbeanbag · 29/08/2012 02:03

Fools errand - I feel a little more on solid ground having read your experience and advice. It's easy to think it's never happened to anyone else before. Thank you for sharing.

At least the youngest is still my poppet (for now).

OP posts:

fortyplus · 29/08/2012 02:06

RCbeanbag - I need to get to bed now. How about text dss and just say something like 'you know it would be so much better if you told your dad yorself. Are you sure you can't do that?' Then if he won't rethink it's time for you to be brave and tell dp.

It sounds as though you've known for several days already - I'd be inclined not to make a point of revealing that.

Good luck though - it must be difficult.

theredhen · 29/08/2012 06:58

I guess you have to stop feeling responsible for your dp if he chooses to self harm. It's not your fault if he does!

I'd be inclined to tell him but keep it positive and upbeat.

Athendof · 29/08/2012 10:33

I agree that it shouldn't be you, but DSS delivering the news.

I grew up in a very homophobic society, and although I absolutely abhorr such attitude, I understand how difficult it was to my best friend of years that he was gay. His arguments were very good ( and totally unnecessary to defend his position as I had "knew" from the time we meet, I didn't care but he wanted to be heard) and may help your DS to deliver, or confirm, the news.

-Don't sit firmally to discuss the issue. Do it while doing another thing (for some reason children and men fund it easier to open up when a serious subject is discussed as a secondary thing)

-If I were to put my best friend talk in a list it would be like this:
1)you may have suspected this over the years...
2) some people think being gay us a choice, but I cannot begin to imagine why someone would choose a life of rejection out of "choice"
3) i have been hidding it from others and myself for a very long time, trying to have a "normal" life and it doesn't go away
4) i was born like this, this is not happened because someone did this ir that to me. And no actions other people could have taken would have change that
5) i know that my life will not be easy, but I dont want to live pretending to be someone I am not, it would sound perhaps as the easier solution but it wouldn't be fair on me or other people.
4) My friend closed the "talk" with An "I understand that this may make you uncomfortable and would like some distance to try to understand this, or may not even want to be my friend anymore, I respect that. (obviously at this I ended all the poetry with a "don't be stupid, I have known all the way along and you will need to do far worse than this if you want to stop being my best friend! ... And he still is 20 years on..

I would not introduce the new "partner" yet, considering his self harming, i would do it in steps, it would be about leaving DH to diggest the information before adding a bit more. (and also avoid him blaming the other boy)

foolserrand · 03/09/2012 17:16

How's it going RC? Hope all is out in the open now and everyone is as happy as can be.

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