Fucking Friday Handovers...

[Slowcooker123]

Anyone else here have shared care of te DSC and hate handovers?

My DP's Ex makes every Friday hell. She alwas thinks up some topic to discuss rather than do it via their legal representatives and it's always something she knows will cause a reaction. Last week she left te handover location (public cafe) because we ignored her and ten came back cause she really wanted an arguments and hoped returning would cause one. It did. She screams at him, me, anyone around. She has stolen letter belonging to me, been arrested for harrassing DP too. We have called police more times than I can remember, she's got family members to threaten him, try and kick his door in etc etc. I am "that woman who is trying to steal her kids" despite me never doing wrong by her! It seems she is trying to goad us into reacting inna way detrimental to DP when the inevitable court battle is finally gone through. She tries to wind us both us continuously, but we don't bite and that makes her even more angry.

Anyway, he decide enough is enough and feom now on handovers can only be done in front office of police station until a contact centre can be arranged for school holiday handovers (term time it's done via school pick ups and drop offs). So she agreed. Then at last minute she declined and refused to go to police station to collect her children! DP sat there for aes and she didn't come. So he came back to my house. He gets a call from solicitor saying she had been screaming down th phone at them and he may go to drop them at the park. She was so bad his solicitor said she will no longer accept calls from her direct as she was hysterical and rude and "psychopathic". So he offered (despite it being her fault she didn't come for them) to drop them back to the police station after dinner. He took them there. She arrived with her brother and DP handed over the kids. He left and walked to his car and was followed by her brother. Trying to have a fight! DP is very calm and doesn't easily lose it, so didn't respond, but apparently the brother was vile and insulting. So DP walked back into the police station with brother still following him- and EX bought the kids (little ones) back in to witness the brother carrying on the abuse. What the actual fuck is wrong with her? She seems intent on goading DP to lose it and get arrested.

Do other step mums have this problem? We are starting to dread Fridays. DP is upset and stressed and still at the police station reporting the brother's behaviour. What solutions have other people found works well for handovers to stop conflict? Anyone use and pay for a contact center to handover the children?

Poor children

Oh god that sounds terrible!

What strikes me is how fucking awful those childrens lives must be with her.

Has DP tried to get full custody?

Thanks for your responses.

Indeed poor children.

DP wouldn't try and get sole residency as he wants the children to grow up having a good relationship with their mother. She is volatile and loopy but he doesn't think she would harm the children. They are well fed, washed and warm and safe with her so he has no reason to believe she would harm them directly physically.

However, every Friday is so bloody upsetting. He doesn't have family support so I always try and be there with him and that means I get the shit and stress to. Last night we were chatting and we are already worried about next Friday's handover. She will be giving the children back so can "call the shots" about location. She won't want it at the police station so it will probably be at the cafe. God knows what will happen this time.

DP is going to speak to a local contact children centre in the hope she will agree to handovers taking place there. :(

is that the same brother who tried to kick the door in when you wouldn't let her in to see the kids?

I was wondering the same thing brdgrl - sounds familiar doesn't it?

No brdgrl we haven't had problems with her brother before, in fact I had never met him before because he works in another part of the country. I'm unsure what you are making reference to?

Your OP mentions that her family members have tried to kick the door in. I guess if that wasn't her brother, then she has at least two family members behaving irrationally and psychopathically right along with her.

I wonder why.

Yes, it was her mother, surprising. I don't think she would have been ble to but she did try and she tried to smash his windows by throwing things over the back fence. He wasn't in but a neighbour saw her and called police. Couldn't prove it though so nothing happened.

Why? Just because they are a pretty horrible bunch I guess :(

Why are you going to the handovers, given all of this? You don't live with your DP and it might diffuse the situation somewhat for you to avoid the handovers.

Agree with brdgrl. I personally would not go to the handovers. This should take at least some of the emotion away.

Poor children, I guess they hear/see all of this going on?

I don't always go. At first he would always go alone but she used it as an opportunity to take along one or more family members and cause issues, be abusive etc so either myself or a friend will usually go along.

However it's not me being there that causes the problem (although Im unsure why us not living together makes any difference) I wasn't there yesterday he was on his own.

Any ideas? Do contact centres accept people applying to them direct or just court referrals?

There are obviously many more issues and dimensions to this relationship than you have posted about.

But you have another thread on Lone Parents which talks about your issues with your own ex, and how he, too, has been threatening, swearing at doors, acting irrationally.

That thread also indicates that you and your DP are willing to take your children away to undisclosed locations and not let the other parent know where the kids are. Maybe that attitude has something to do with your DP's ex and her own attitude. I suspect your DP's ex has a very different account of things.

There is another woman who posts here on weekends, and on the LOne Parents board, who has very similar relationship problems and views to your own. It is a shame that her threads have been removed on account of their multiple discrepencies, because you could probably learn a lot from her experience.

It sounds awful - can't say I think mug of a man who takes his partner into a volatile and potentially violent situation.

Can a completely neutral third party not do pick ups/drop offs?

Grand parent, aunt, uncle.

You or your friends shouldn't be going and inflaming this situation.

I don't really understand why he won't go for custody? If this is all true, she is harming the kids by her behaviour. I know, my dad was like this. Its awful for the children and sounds terrifying for them. I bet they absolutely dread hand overs too.

Now this has all been witnessed by the police, it should be a lot easier to sort out.

There will be a domestic abuse case opened (harassment against your DPs ex at the very least) and the police will refer the DCs to the local Children's Services Dept - if any of the DCs have been present during previous incidents involving the police, they will already be a record, and each additional incident on file will increase the chance of there being professional intervention to protect the DCs.

It might drag your DD into it as well though - if you've had problems with your ex as well, the various households will have numerous flags and eventually they'll all be linked on the system.

They should be able to offer some practical help to avoid unnecessary stress to the DCs - I recommend that your DP goes along with whatever they suggest, otherwise he might be labelled part of the problem, too.

The courts used the word "psychopathic"? !
I think in the interim that you should keep away from hand over as it will certainly inflame the situation. If your boyfriend is concerned for his safety it shouldn't be you who is going along to protect him (unless you are a bouncer/wrestler/hardass?)

Leave him and his horrible family alone.

Brdgrl. Yes I am indeed at a location undisclosed to my EX, he has a history of being quite controlling and will often turn up unexpected, uninvited and unwanted so I chose not to give him my DP's address where I am staying for the summer holidays. It means things are calmer and I can actually enjoy my time here without worrying he will run up here and cause problems.

Tara0202. Because even if he did go for "custody" (residency) he is very unlikely to get full residency based only on what's been happening. He is in the back foot due to being dad not mu. (courts very much favour mums still, even though it's supposed to be equal). Plus he wouldn't want to keep them away from their mum, as although she is a bitch to us, she doesn't mistreat the kids (as far as we know)

Namby. No, his solicitor described the way she tante down the phone to her as "psychopathic" not the court.

Unfortunately there is no 3rd party that can facilitate the handovers. Either myself or one of DP's friends goes along as he doesn't have any relatives who can. It's nice for him to have some emotional support and if she causes a scene etc we will always walk away with the children whilst they "discuss" things so the children do not have to listen. Me being there doesn't cause the problems. As it happens even when he goes alone. He isn't actually scared of being "attacked" or harmed physically. They are trying to goad him into doing or saying something they can "use" against him. Her and her family often film or voice record the handovers, trying to descreetly cause problems so either DP or whoever is with him will put a foot wrong.

Disneymum- Thanks for your advice. DP is going to call childrens services Tuesday. He's hoping they will give some advice and hopes that if they also suggest handovers at a contact centre EX will take the advice and realize it's best for everyone involved- especially the children. It was them who suggested handovers at a police station to avoid conflict and therefore make it as clm as possible for the kids. But even DP didn't think her family would start a row in a police station! Her brother is going to be arrested so hopefully this will make them realize they can't keep behaving this way in front of the children.

A court will consider her behaviour at handover abusive to the DCs - and if your DP won't acknowledge that and continues to actively support her abuse of them in this way by facilitating equal contact then more fool him.

If it ends up in court at a later date, it's quite likely that your DPs ex would use his current lack of positive action to support her case that he's not bothered about them and her behaviour was driven by love and concern for them while in his care.

The sooner this is all put in front of a judge and those DCs are protected from the repeated emotional abuse that you have described, the better - and if your DP chooses not to, then he's failing them too

Court orders won't stop something this intractable.

I agree, I think (having spoken to a very well regarded solicitor about a situation with my ex) that court should be the last resort because of the tension and stress caused. I think too many people start the process in the heat of the moment when mediation, or even just taking some time to cool down, would suffice and put the family under much less strain both emotionally and financially. But there is violence here, and if your DH really thinks that the children aren't being harmed then he's blind. Or potentially not really happy with having them 100% of the time.

The courts simply must get involved. The adults in the situation clearly aren't managing things properly and the children deserve better. But this is of course up to your boyfriend. Solicitors will off a free half hour session why don't you get him to go along - alone. I understand that you want to support him but I really believe (as do other posters on here and we all have A LOT of expereince from years and years of trial and error) that your involvement in this will inflame things.

Stay at home, cook a nice meal, get the kids to bed early and pour him a nice glass of wine - rub his shoulders, listen to him.... that's the best support you can give.

I find "psychopathic" a very odd word for a professional person to use to describe someone who isn't mentally ill...