Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

So how is being a step parent better than a lone parent

22 replies

theredhen · 21/08/2012 12:29

For those of you who had children from a previous relationship prior to meeting your dp.

A friend recently asked me what is better about living with dp and his kids than being on my own with ds. Apart from adult company, sex and financial back up, I couldn't think of anything else! Sad

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 21/08/2012 12:35

I'm quite interested in any answers to this theredhen - I'm a lone parent and tbh, I think it would be my worst nightmare to get involved with someone else who has kids. No disrespect intended to any of the SMs who post here, but the things you put up with on a whole range of issues would make my hair turn white.

theredhen · 21/08/2012 12:54

Well I thought ds and I would gain by getting emotional support, practical help, positive role model, other kids for ds to be around and share toys etc, "fun family holidays", feeling part of a team and a "proper" family etc etc

How naive was I? Sad

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 21/08/2012 12:59

I've got to say, with all honesty, that if DH and I ever split up I wouldn't enter the "step" situation ever again

BertieBotts · 21/08/2012 13:06

Surely neither is better, they're just different... different set ups suit different people. I know a few people who have stepchildren and children from a previous relationship and all is great, but obviously the more people involved the more complicated things get and the more potential for issues.

Pluses from my totally inexperienced hypothetical only position - having a larger family without having to go through birth as many times Grin, if the children get on then that's nice for them to have stepsiblings, especially if you wanted to have children close in age but your relationship ended, for example, or a first child might benefit from gaining an older stepsibling.

If contact weekends match up, then you potentially have a mix of time spent with children and child free time. If ages are appropriate, you might have some free babysitters Grin as long as you didn't abuse this all the time.

It's probably easier to discuss parenting related things with someone who is already a parent and has experience of parenting, and they might be more up for mucking in with your DCs rather than dithering on the edge, although of course this could be a disadvantage if their parenting ideas are very different from yours. However, at least if they've already done some parenting you can discuss these things before moving in, rather than the difference between the ideas we often have before DC come along and then the reality.

Also, it's a good sign if a man has contact with his DCs, or at least, it's a red flag if he doesn't see them.

As I said though, totally hypothetical and ONLY focusing on the positives of new relationship plus stepchildren rather than new relationship or no relationship.

BertieBotts · 21/08/2012 13:07

Aww :( I'm sorry theredhen for my totally inappropriate post in that case. Do you want to share what you're finding difficult?

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 21/08/2012 13:12

theredhen, honestly, my heart goes out to those of you who have to deal with the difficulties and complexity of the step parenting situation. I realise how lucky I am to have a decent relationship with my ex's fiance, not that we are close or 'friends' but there isn't anything that I would say I've had an issue over at all. We seem to be on the same 'wavelength' when it comes to DD and my ex Grin but in a way that I can easily step back and not get too involved. I have a lot of respect for those of you who have to negotiate the massive minefield that is step parenting.

theredhen · 21/08/2012 13:20

Bertie, there's lots and most is well documented ranted about on here.

I expected to have to support dp and his kids emotionally but I didn't think I would be drained by it like I am. I expected some emotional support back but I'm having to take him to relate just to talk to me and I'm beginning to see just how un respected I am in our family.

OP posts:
glasscompletelybroken · 21/08/2012 14:06

Well you'd have to ask DH's exW that question! She thinks DH & I are living the life of Rileyt while she struggles away as a lone parent.

From where I'm sitting she has the kids half the time, does very little work, is supported largely by the government & DH and on the days she doesn't have the dc's she can pretty much please herself!

On the otherhand though, she may be lonely and I'm not!

NotaDisneyMum · 21/08/2012 14:41

I'm reluctant to post because I know what a hard time you're having. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person, but being with DP means that the good outweighs the bad Smile

As well as sharing my life with my soulmate , I can't imagine having to deal with my exH on my own, and seeing DD and DSS develop a close relationship has been wonderful Smile we scheduled some time for each of them here on their own over the holidays and they really missed each other Grin

Fooso · 21/08/2012 15:03

I think it depends on so manyt things - I didn't think in a million years I would end up in this family set up - but... I think in my case there are more positives. My son has "2 sisters" - rather than being an only child, who he gets on very well with - when I hear him upstairs with them I think the challenges are worth it.. I have always made my DP aware of the difficulties in getting used to being a SM - I still don't think he gets it sometimes... but he does try. My DS's dad is a good dad but my son also gets alot from my DP - I think I did the right thing..

Olympicnmix · 21/08/2012 15:11

I think you just listed them: adult company, financial back up and sex. These 3 are massive if you don't have them in your life (especially the sex!). However, whether they're worth trading off the negatives is your call.

Actually if that's the sum of what they were offering, I could envisage the relationship being p/t, them in their home, me in mine very happily. It would have to be the emotional support and NotADisneyMum's boaky soul-mate stuff to contemplate otherwise.

Kaluki · 21/08/2012 15:49

Well much as I Iove DP, the happiest most uncomplicated time of my life was when I was a single Mum and if I'd known then what I know now I would have never gone on that first date with DP SadSadSad because however much I love him his dc and his attitude to them is a huge problem.
On the plus side we do get every other weekend child free (which used to be a bit lonely when I was single) and it is great to have DP to share things with, financially i am better off and regular sex is always a good thing too Wink)
Our only problem is his kids and I worry that ultimately they will split us up but j know that if they do I will be fine on my own - I did ok before so I know I can and that is quite reassuring.

EverybodyKnows · 21/08/2012 16:05

It's a tough one to answer redhen because there are as much different scenarios as there are blended families.

In my case : having a life partner, sharing household chores etc, sex on tap Grin and my lovely DH bringing me coffee in bed on the weekends.

For my DD: 2 big sisters, having a great male parent/father figure (Ex is abroad) , having a secure family unit.

As for the ExW - I've just decided to detach, disengage myself and focus my energy on looking after our family - I know we do a great job and what they do is frankly, none of my business (unless a situation would be harmful to DSDs) or concern as we will never see eye to eye. I'm polite, helpful but distant and I like it that way.

In the first years I resented being a step parent as it was so hard but now, nearly 8 years later, it's made me a better person and a confident parent.

So I guess, overall, it's much better than living in my tiny flat, being tired and lonely.

theredhen · 22/08/2012 07:54

It's good to read some positives. Smile

I think I wanted the sole mate, to be part of a team and a family. Whereas the reality is that dp wants a pecking order and to always know he's at the top. I don't think he does it on purpose but even so.

Being able to communicate honestly and openly has to be the single most important thing in any relationship, but especially in step families where there is so much more potential for conflict.

OP posts:
EverybodyKnows · 22/08/2012 10:42

exactly redhen good communication is the key - it was a tough learning curve for me and DH - and still work at it.

zanywany · 22/08/2012 10:50

I am new to step parenting and I find it soooo much harder than being a single Mum. I thought I would be better of financially but when my fiancee moves back in that won't be the case at all as I will lose my tax credits. Sex on tap and adult company is brilliant but on the downside having to cope with having his 2 children stay at the weekend when I find it soo hard to like them bond with them is bloody hard. My DD shares her small room with them and that isn't working bit I'm running out of space.

His ex is starting to get very critical of me too which I find hard to deal with as up until now we have got on OK. Says I am making her DC's unhappy when in reality they cry when they leave my house as they don't want to go home (so I guess I must be doing something right in their eyes)

I thought that meeting someone with children was the best thing to do as he would 'understand' children more. Wish I had known how much more it would compicate things.

EverybodyKnows · 22/08/2012 11:40

zany the first few years are usually very trying. It took us ages to find the balance and the right strategies to adapt to our new family setup.

The best advice I've received on here is to try and detach from the Ex and their opinion. I used to torture myself, second guess every thing I did only to realise that I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't so I just work at making our family life happy & secure and it does pay off. My DSDs are very close to me now and know I'm not replacing their mum, I'm a bonus parent in their lives.

As long as you do right by the children, always present a united front, things will come into place.

Venting here helps too !

zanywany · 22/08/2012 12:07

This step parenting thread has been my saviour to be honest. I was really struggling with the fact that I don't seem to bond with them like them. I have lots of nieces/nephews who I adore and I am very close to friends children. I would call myself a 'child friendly' person who adores kids so its been a shock to not feel that way aboout the person's kids who I am marrying next year. I know its early days but I am impatient.

Will try and detach from his ex's comments as I find them hurtful. She ranted about how iresponsible I am to have got pregnant when we both have children and how we aren't suited as a couple. (even though she was accidently pregnant only 6 weeks into their relationship and we are engaged and baby is planned)

My fiancee has temporarily moved out and we are taking this time to talk openly and honestly and to talk about parenting/house rules etc so I am hoping we are on the right track

EverybodyKnows · 22/08/2012 12:10

I wish you the best of luck Zany Thanks

theredhen · 22/08/2012 12:35

Zany, good luck with the discussions and giving you both a bit of breathing space by him moving out.

OP posts:
Eliza22 · 22/08/2012 14:28

I'm never sorry I got together with my second husband. He is a good man. I love him. However, if I could remove the sadness and frustration that is his youngest daughter (18, not a little girl) I would. His other two kids have been fine. The youngest a manipulative and thoughtless young woman who, we're she not my dh's daughter, I would have absolutely no time for. My son still describes her as his "step sister" but he hasn't seen her, in over a year. To be fair, she ignored him and me most of the time she WAS here.

Would I do it again? If dh got squashed under a bus? No. I'd not put myself through the hope of being part of a family setting or at the very least being welcomed as a decent, kind person again. I wouldn't put my son through it, either.

I don't know what to say to you. There must be hoarders of us who's happiness depends on whether step kids accept us or not. Dreadful.

purpleroses · 22/08/2012 20:02

Having made the change from lone parent to step family very recently the things that were better before were:

  • Autonomy over my own home and everything in it (food, possessions, etc)
  • Freedom to decide what I did with my kids and when

The things that were worse were:

  • Loneliness in the evenings
  • noone to say "how was your day?" or to cook you a meal or make you a cup of tea
  • Being in and out of messy short term relationships and hating seeing my DCs get caught up in that (not an issue if you're completely comitted to remaining single for the next 10 years I guess)
  • Feeling left out when friends mostly had someone special in their lives and I didn't. Lack of self esteem from trying to find reasons why I was single and they weren't.

The things that I like now are:

  • Having someone to come home to
  • Having lots of people around for company
- Seeing the kids enjoy being part of a big tribe - Nicer house, more money, financial security if I was to lose my job - Making plans to grow old together

The things I don't like so much are:

  • Feeling I'm not always treated as one of the adults of the house
  • Having to live by other people's rules
  • Chaos and fights between too many kids
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread