How to deal with stealing?

[olibeansmummy]

For as long as I've known him Dss (12) has stolen from things. He's stolen money and property from me, dh, ds, my brother, our friend's houses, school, children at school and even once at least, from a shop. When he was 9 he was spoken to by the police for stealing a scooter from another child at school and if he'd been 10 he could have been charged with theft! He also steals at his mum's house apparently.

It's got to the point where on a friday we do a 'sweep' of the house and hide anything he might steal to remove temptation. It feels awful doing it, but we figure it's better to not give him the temptation to steal than get angry when he does.

Today ds took his wallet out with him. I told him not to open it but when I wasn't there dh let ds and Dss play with the money and now 50p is missing (ds hasn't got it and it couldn't have fallen anywhere etc). Not a huge amount but stealing is stealing, although we have no proof that Dss has it this time.

Dss has a lot of issues that we're dealing with, so we need to deal with this fairly and sensitively, but if we ignore it we are effectively encouraging the stealing and he could end up in big trouble if it escalates. When found out he lies even when presented with the evidence and when the lies run out he just says 'dunno'.

Wwyd to deal with this? Not just today's incident, but in general. It's creating a lack of trust that really isn't good for anyone :(.

I've been on mumsnet long enough to know that someone will come along and say what an awful step mother I am, but I really do want to help him and improve our time with him.

Oh and just to clarify, Dss does get pocket money from us and we only speak to him about stealing when we have real proof. We have not spoken to him about today's incident.

I havent any experience on children stealing, but if that was my step child stealing from my house and family, i would tell him that he doesnt come into the house until hes learnt to stop stealing.

Sounds harsh i know, but he needs to learn that he people wont wont him in their house if hes stealing.

Id do a 6 week trial were he cant come to the house. your DH/DP will have to spend the day somewhere with him once a week or twice whichever, and then he goes back to his mums in the evening, so therefore no overnight stays or coming to the house for 6 weeks.

Explain to him what you are doing and why you are doing it. After the 6 weeks is up, you have a chat with him, explain that hes allowed back in the house and overnight stays resume as normal, but if he steals again, then it will be stopped again for 6 weeks.

I think this will stop it, and your DSS will realize that if he wants to be welcome in peoples houses then he doesnt take things.

I haven't any answers, but just to say i have exactly the same problem with a same age dss :(

plum I'm not sure I agree that a DC should be excluded from their home if they steal - it's only something that step-parents could implement, which opens the door for accusations of treating them differently - which you would be.

But, if a child is stealing, then I'd treat them like i would a much younger child who doesn't understand right from wrong - not only would I eliminate all privacy (search rooms, pockets, bags etc) but privileges of being older would be taken away too - no games consoles, earlier bedtimes, no activities suitable for their age.

Until they can behave appropriately for their age, they don't get treated as such

NADM i see what you mean about only step parents can implement that rule as you couldnt elimate the child from their "permenant home"

I suppose you could implement that rule with their non permenant home, but with their permenant home, your suggestion would work well :-)

We have totally opposing views on the two homes issue

Everybody parents different, thats why theres so much conflict on here :-)

Thanks for all your replies. We couldn't exclude him from our home tbh as he has so many other issues it wouldn't be fair and would just make other matters worse.

Your suggestion sounds good NADM, we weren't sure about searching him as its so demeaning but if he choses to steal he choses the concequences! And if he got caught by the police he'd be searched so it's better for him to learn from us than them.

It's rubbish isn't it Stepmumm :( I hate the lack of trust when he's around.

We had this issue with SS2 both while he was with us at weekends and holidays and then when he came to live full time with us. He also stole from him mum and stepdad.

Sadly, we ended up having all cash in a lock box and a padlock on our bedroom door (he would steal jewellery if he could not get cash) - even stole from a charity account we ran - stole things from a friend's son he shared a room with on hols.

Tried shaming him - ie saying to people in front of him 'Please do not put your handbag down while you are here as SS sometimes steals' - tried taking things he had obviously bought with stolen money (like computer games) off him and reselling - decucting stolen money from pocket money.

Nothing worked, I'm sorry to say. Apparently some kids grow out of it - some do not.

I believe he stopped for a while when he was at boarding school (long story) but restarted when he left.

Oh dear wkdsm that doesn't sound good! It is a worry as Dss has been stealing since he was at least 6 :( we have a secret drawer in our room that we hide things we don't want to be stolen in that Dss doesn't know about which has worked ok so far but I worry he'll find it and also ds can't have his favourite things when Dss is here as we have to hide them.

Ok, deep breath.

• your DSS is 12
• he has stolen from you and it appears from anywhere and anybody he can
• he has already been in trouble with the police/school
• this has now been going on for about 3 years

Ultimately, from what you have said, the evidence suggests this will carry on and he will get into trouble sooner or later as you said. It appears that, from your OP, that your DSS is stealing whenever/from whoever he gets the opportunity. This, in my view, needs professional input. I would have no idea what to do in your circumstances without knowing what is causing this self destructive/ attention seeking/anti-social behaviour.

I think in the short term being stoic, presenting a calm and kind, but clear authoritative united front to him about this behaviour and protecting your and your other DC/DSC's possessions is about all you can do.

I think this is serious. It compromises you, your/his relationships with others, your security in your own home. It is destructive and appears not to be a phase.

I think you are being very brave and very sympathetic. Most of us reading your OP are secretly thinking "FFS I wouldn't want him in my house.." and on that point I understand plum's draconian point. What are the views of your DH/DP? What about speaking to the school? You have said very little about his general behaviour? Is it is one "problem" or part of a bigger picture of issues which you have hinted at?

I would try and get DH/DP to consider getting him referred to a specialist asap.

Sorry..for 3 years, read 6 years!!

littlesugaplum would you throw out your own child from your house for stealing from you?
no, I thought not.
in the stepchild's mind, perhaps he has been robbed too.

nelly robbed of what, exactly? And by whom?

Have you asked him why he feels the need to take things that don't belong to him? Or would he pretend he didn't know what you were talking about?

nelly I take it you mean he feels robbed off his father maybe?

If thats the case, thats still no excuse for his behaviour!

With him being a step child, thats why i suggested what i did, as if he was your own child, you have alot more authority over him.

Any child of mine that behaved like this would be dealt with very severley!

Step parents may find it difficult to enforce such severeness.

Its not a case of .. "would you do this to your own child" as its very different when its your own child than if its a step child or family member etc

Thanks for your thoughtful response Taxiforme. I agree that Dss needs professional help, but have no idea where to get it! He sees a paediatrician for his behaviour ( yes there are many, many issues) but he has been less than useless. He has offered no useful advice what so ever about any of dss's issues .

This is the biggest issue I think though as like you say he could get into big trouble and it affects our family life dramatically. The thing that made me realise this was that when I told my sister about another stealing incident, she told me that after her wedding when we brought Dss to her house her dh had gone to check their wedding present money as Dss had had spent a long time at the toilet. Thankfully it was all there but Dss was only going to into the toilet as dbil went upstairs so he had been snooping or doing something he shouldn't have been. Dsis and dbil are not judgemental people so it just goes to show that no one trusts him in their house and makes us not want to take him anywhere that he could steal.

I think the main cause is immaturity ie an 'I see it, I want it attitude'. He doesnt know, or can't articulate why he does it, his stock answer for everything is 'dunno'. This is where professional help could help hopefully.

I presume NADM that nellyjob means that Dss feels he's been robbed of his father ( a common assumption I've noticed) which is NOT the case at all here.

Cross post littlesugaplum!

Dss feels he's been robbed of his father ( a common assumption I've noticed) which is NOT the case at all here
but in his mind he might feel that, is what I meant, whatever the adult reality.

Olibean..the problem is, no matter how much you care and support (which is vital, don't get me wrong) this has to come from his parents.

If the child psyc is no good, try for a second opinion and a new referral.

Do you know what I would do? Start with his GP, he/she won't have the answers but they might signpost you in the right direction, and keep asking. This could be a mental health issue, of course. I don't think TBH it could be rolled up as immaturity. It must be desparate for you to feel like this when you take him anywhere.