Is it just me or is being a step parent really difficult and frustrating?

[Pipsytwos]

I'm constantly walking on egg shells it seems. It's been 2 years that I've been living with my DSS's dad and we're expecting a baby in 1 week. I love my stepson, I really do, I really try to make him happy and feel like a big part of our home. I do think he loves me back (he's about to turn 5 and can't actually remember his parents ever having been together) Through my entire relationship with his father, the ex has made our lives really difficult, silly things really like calling me the downgrade and telling DSS that I have bugs in my hair. The horrible thing is the badmouthing of me and his daddy in front of him and we can alwasy tell when there's a lot being said because he shuts down with us and tells us we're disgusting. His ex really doesn't have any reason to complain, she had a partner prior to me getting with my partner, she's never had a late maintenance payment we have him every weekend and whenever my partner can get time off in his holidays... oh, and she's also pregnant! I thought it was getting marginally better despite my DSS still telling me things she says like me apparently resembling a dog, I have never lowered myself to bite back, I never criticize his mother in front of him. He seems so affectionate towards me when he's with us and I figured he just didn't understand the nonsense that was being said. Yest I saw him while I was with my mother, sister and nephew (nephew is the same age and they are like best friends) He was with his mum and her friends, we all said hello and he looked at us like he didn't even know us, including my nephew! Now I know the hell that will come from that little show from his mum, she'll tell everybody how he doesn't like me or my family... It's just heartbreaking, it'll all be said in front of him, he'll lap up the attention and before you know it it'll be made out that it's because of our new baby! So frustrating!

I wish it wasn't so hard, I love him and hate to think of him as struggling with his loyalties, and to be honest I hate being this figure of hate!

I have every much sympathy for you, im in a very similar situation, and what i say to myself is:

"I pity anyone who has such an obession with me when they dont even know me!"

The best thing you can do is ignore all comments DSS comes out with about you, never call his mother infront of him.

As your DSS gets older he will realize that mummy has alot to say about you, but your never nasty about her.

My step daughter has already noticed that and commented on it and shes 8years old.

Im also heavily pregnant with my first child. And the ex is very bitter about this, calling my baby an alien to the step kids etc etc.

You may feel like smacking her one inside, but dont react at all, shes showing herself up by having such hatred towards you for no reason.

When DSS says nasty things, just say to him,

"That wasnt very nice, but never mind, and then change the subject.

Believe me, he will respect you alot more than his mother as he grows when he realizes how bitter his mum is.

Step parenting is so bloody hard!!!!! Sometimes you just want to walk away and think im not putting up with this shit, but then you look at your DH/DP and realize that you love him, and nobody will come between that, and it just gives you this extra strength to carry on.

As horrible as it sounds it is a comfort to know I'm not the only one struggling with this. It makes me feel so guilty when I have to ask my partner to take him out for a little while so I can have a rest. In my head when he says these things I want to scream 'well your mummy is a bloody idiot!' but I do take the high road of just saying that it's not very nice thing to say but I'm sure his mummy is only joking.

It's just a few steps forward and massive steps back. I feel silly about it but I was quite hurt that he ignored me and my family. There he was dressed head to toes in things that either myself or my mum had got him including a brand new bike helmet (my partner just taught him to ride at the weekend) and you wouldn't have known that he has his own bedroom in my house, and sees me without fail every weekend. I know I shouldn't take it so personally and that part of it is attention seeking and part of it is protecting his mum. It's just so frustrating, surely it can't go on forever? When my DP took him back home on sun evening he was told by his ex that his son told her he hates coming to us because he doesn't get kisses and cuddles the same way she gives them... total lie! We're both very affectionate with him, and adore cuddles and story time! When he comes we always have fun plans, his main grumble with my house is that he isn't allowed to play video games and he tells us that why he loves mummy more because she lets him play all the time even when his eyes hurt and he says that she finds that funny. :(

I hate his mother, I wish she'd just get on with it now, like what's the problem? I'm dreading the backlash that comes from the baby, her partner has already mocked dss because his having a sister from us, next it'll be her name and heaven forbid her looks because no doubt she'll have my dog ugly genes in her eyes! Grrr (i can't promise I'll keep my cool when it comes to criticising my baby, I wanted to hit her partner for the gender crap! So well done you for keeping cool with the alien comments!!) These horrible women really need to let go! It's creepy! Hoping one day it'll happen before I reach the end of my tether! Sorry for the rant!

She wants a reaction, she wants to know that shes getting to you, and if you react, shes won!

My DSS told his mother that i was ruining his life! So his mother said. DH doesnt believe this for a second, but i was truely hurt, he did ask his son about it, DSS whos 10 denied it, DH knows hes telling the truth as he does a special trick with them. If DH thinks one of the kids are lying to him, he says to them that when he touches their forehead it will tell him if they are lying or not. If the children panic and dont want him to touch their head, he knows they are lying. lol They think DH has magic powers.

So anyway DSS didnt bother when DH touched his head, so DH believes that DSS never said it.

Their mother also tells them that their dad prefers me and the new baby to them. Obviously lots of reassurance is giving to the kids when they say this.

DSS also asked DH when were we splitting up!!!! We have oly been married 6 weeks!! lol

If her partner makes comments aswell then hes as bad as her, and hes very sad for being with a woman whos obsessed with her ex and his new partner.

I used to get really really wound up at first and want to smack her in the mouth, but getting angry was only not good for me, it was what she wanted.

Honestly you are better off letting EVERYTHING go over your head, and i know it hurts when shes calling your unborn or newborn baby but shes trying to get a reaction

DONT GIVE HER ONE! She isnt worth getting angry over or you feeling bitter towards your DP because of it.

I know longer get angry with DH exp now, it took me awhile to learn not to react and just shake it off.

Your have a lovely DP/DH, and soon to be a lovely newborn, she hates that.

Aww thank you, you've actually really made me feel so much better. I just have to stay calm and take a few breaths.

It is sad for them that they are so obsessed with us and that is the best way to look at it. Hopefully my dss isn't too affected by it long term and hopefully he'll see we always tried our best!

Congratulations on your baby and your marriage by the way! I hope things get better with your step children, they're very lucky to have you as a stepmother! Oh and love the trick for getting the truth :)

Kids arent stupid, he will realize when hes older.

Good luck on your new baby and long life with DP/DH!

Glad i ve made you feel better :-)

This is excellent advice and I wish I had heard this 11 years ago!! lol!! Good luck!

That woman doesn't deserve children she is emotionally abusive .. I take my hat off to you for being so level headed about it all.. My own DSS and DSD just went back to their mother after she had almost nothing to do with them for 8 years, DSD was incredibly nasty on facebook to me shortly afterwards but then i saw them face to face and she was different, tell me her mother didn't have a hand in that.. then she also told me i was banned from seeing them! Pfft