Is living next-door to each other the ideal for couples with kids from previous relationships, instead of trying to blend families?

[Raptor]

Because DP and I are beginning to think so.

He lives with my DS (8) and me, and has his three young children with him (and therefore us) almost 50% of the time. Life is full-on. The house is always a mess. Our loyalties to our kids can be divisive. We get little time together to talk, touch base, connect, for days on end, with the relationship depending a lot on a fortnightly child-free weekend when we're able to get back on the same page.

My DS struggled ? understandably ? with our household expanding at first, but has been given a lot of understanding and time to adjust and is now coping admirably; he is fond of DP and likes company ? but even so, he still often wrestles with the set-up, and so I worry I'm putting him through too much.

DP has begun the process of trying to arrange for his eldest to live with him most of the time (I posted about this in another thread), which I support in principle, because I can see that it's in the best interests of his son. But of course, this means more upheaval for us ? and even less respite from an already exhausting living arrangement.

I feel torn between cooperating with what I think is right for DP's child, and not giving so much of myself (and forcing DS to do the same) that I effectively become depleted - emotionally, energy-wise, time-wise, sanity-wise. I'm worried about relinquishing a (reasonable ? not obsessive) sense of control over mine and DS's lives and home. I worry we're going to have little personal space/peace/calm/order/quiet/quality one-to-one time/all sorts of other stuff. I feel anxious, irritable, unsettled, and as though mine and DP's relationship is slipping away from us, because there's so little room in our increasingly children-packed lives to nurture it. And I feel resentful about the prospect of these changes, and then guilty about feeling resentful. I'm just not myself.

DP and I fantasise that perhaps the ideal solution for couples like us, with children from previous relationships who are with each of us a lot/most of the time, is to live next-door to each other. This way, no one feels 'invaded', there's no confusion over rules, there's sufficient personal space, DS isn't forced to share the only home he remembers (and his mum) with up to three other children, day in day out ? lots of potential theoretical pluses.

We could actually adapt my house (not easily ? it would be a big project) to create an annex that DP and his kids could then live in (I could pay for the work and if the relationship failed, could rent the annex out to someone else), and we're feeling more and more like we'd like to give it a go. Are we nuts? Probably. But we are both feeling the strain of the living arrangement - trying to blend one family from two can be so hard - and something has to give, and this feels like the only solution. But I also wonder if we're romanticising the idea and, in reality, we could end up like neighbours that hardly see each other.

Oh I don't know. It's good to just vent really, as I'm feeling pretty wound up about it all, but I'd be interested to know what others think.

DP and I did something like this for a while - we lived 30 seconds walk from each others houses, and maintained two homes, mainly for the DCs, but also until we were both sure that we wanted to take that next step.

It was um, weird is the best way to describe it.

Effectively, we both ended up with two homes - and inevitably - clothing, paperwork, books etc would end up in the wrong place!

Despite the subsequent dramas, I prefer living together - but it sounds like it might be the right thing for your family - assuming you are both on the same page when it comes to house rules. How would your DCs treat each home, for instance? Could they come and go as they please, or would they 'visit'?

It sounds like a good idea and nice that you are so focused on the children's needs. However, when would you & dp ever get to spend a night together? Unless you put kids in one house and you in the other...

I have been thinking along similar lines... found a house with an almost-self contained part at the top (bedroom, bathroom, living room), normal living rooms & kitchen, 2 bedrooms in middle (kids) and separate flat with 2 bedrooms on bottom floor (him). Thought that way kids would have no upheaval, he & I could be available/around yet given our opposing work schedules it should be fairly simple.
So in a nutshell you are not alone in your thinking.

I like your idea.

I always thought the Bonham Carter/ Burton set up made sense. I guess it makes even more so in your case

Thanks for posting, NotaDisneyMum.

I think we'd be on the same page with regard to house rules. I think the ideal would be that we could still do things all together - watch a movie, go out for the day, etc. But we'd also have our own living space - more than just a bedroom - to retreat to. Since DP moved in, the kitchen (I hate to be possessive, but it's my kitchen!) is always a mess, there's laundry everywhere, toys, stuff. I'm not immaculately tidy, but I felt like I had a grip on it before. I've relinquished a spare room and a home office so his children can have bedrooms, which I didn't mind doing, but now the living end of the house - which is open-plan, so you can't close any of it off - is permanent chaos. I want to potter in the kitchen or work at my laptop without kids' TV/a computer game blaring out from round the corner, and for there to be a home for everything. So I suppose I'm imagining this will be more achieveable with our own spaces.

I'm hoping we'd still have some - enough? - time together as a couple. I have come up with a design for an adjoining annex (this is my line of work) which would mean DP and I would still share a bedroom, but at one end of the hallway it would link to his/his children's space with lounge, bathroom, kitchenette and a couple of bedrooms, and the other would lead to DS's and my space. There'd be a door between the two sitting rooms, too. And ostensibly, to a future purchaser, it would seem like just one big, flexible family house; it wouldn't create an obviously odd layout. Of course I need to be careful that whatever we have in mind wouldn't detrimentally affect the value of my home.

Just writing it, I feel as though we must be nuts to be considering a project on this scale to make our relationship/household workable ...

Anyway, I'm glad it's working for you to live with your DP now. Unlike you, I think I (we) are finding the 'subsequent dramas' too much. It also feels for us as though DP's ex still has something of a grip on our lives, and I want freedom from that too. I can see how it might look easier from the outside for us to just separate, since it's all so complicated. But he is a lovely man; a good, fair dad and kind and easy-going. We haven't (completely!) given up on trying to make it work yet.

Thanks too, treadheavily and bronze. I was busy typing when you posted!

I remember reading about the Bonham-Carter household set-up too and thinking what a good idea!

treadheavily, it's comforting to know I'm not alone in my thinking - maybe not losing it after all! The big house with flats sounds like a good idea for your family.

My thinking is that the kids don't choose a blended family. It's the adults that choose to be together - and I'm one of them, and even I'm struggling, never mind DS. I think DP's children have adjusted pretty well, probably because there are four of them in their little family, their dad's more steady and stable than their mum, and it's calmer in our house - believe it or not! - and they have lots of space to run around. The biggest upheaval has been for my DS, I think. Ultimately, I can see that he's grown from it emotionally - he has come to be so understanding and reasonable and emotionally intelligent about it really, and I'm so proud of him for that and tell him so. He assures me that overall in life - if not entirely with our household set-up - he's happy. But I feel I owe it to him (and myself) to find some equilibrium on the home front.

As someone who has moved her ds in with four dsc, I completely see where you are coming from! I too feel guilty uprooting my ds and merging him into dp's "Disney" home.

However, I think your idea sounds good in theory, but when dsc are bored and want to play with ds and his toys, are you going to be able to turn them away and tell them to go back to their part of the house?

Are the children going to end up in the home with least rules and consequences (this could mean your ds wants to be in the other part?)

The step kids are going to know that you are building an extension to segregate them from you, how could you convince them this was a good thing?

It doesn't read at all that the OP is doing this to "turn her SC away"!

I think you sound sensible and if you think this would help why not have a family meeting and discuss how everyone is feeling now and if they feel they could benefit from some changes. You don't have to tell them about the new annexe idea just yet.

I didn't mean to make it sound that I thought the op is pushing the dsc away but i can see she wants some of her own space back so she can have a good relationship with her ds rather than pushing him away for the needs and wants of three other children.

There's nothing wrong in wanting that but I don't think my dsc would understand that if I did what op is suggesting.

We wondered about doing something similar - but the biggest stumbling block was of course that the house next door wasn't for sale! We did live for two years 5 minute drive apart - and spent lots of time together, which was good as an opportunity to get used to living together, but as NDAM says earlier - it was a pain with things constantly endiing up in the wrong house, my kids having no personal space we we were round at DP's, etc. We've tried to carve out as much personal space as we can now that we're all living together - though like your DS, mine is now bedroom sharing. Extending the house sounds sensible - but I'm not sure what you'd gain by trying to make it a separate annex. The kids would want to come into the house they're used to - and you wouldn't want to be sleeping somewhere too far away from where the kids were. (You'd also need planning permission if you were building a separate annex for resdential use) How about a garden studio for the kids to hang out in? Or an extension so that everyone has their own bedroom - and then encouage quite a lot of activity to go on in bedrooms so that the rest of the house is quieter?

I think you have hit on a very workable idea. One of the hardest things to deal with in blended families is resentment of children who feel they have to share their parent with their steps. Your arrangement would minimise this pitfall.

I know someone who does this. They have got two houses and put a door in middle. They share a bedroom but there are two kitchens, livingrooms and the kids all have their own space.

The kids can come and go from which ever house but mostly the mess stays on their side.

Having just got back from our annual holiday I can honestly say I'm at a point of suggesting this, it was hell and I feel quite low at the prospect it will not change. Like you I have 1 child he has 3 of them and it has been all the more evident when away for 2 weeks.
I feel I am not parenting my son 100% the way I would if alone and feel resentment that I'm compromising too much. I work hard but feel I can't even buy Ds something without either asking him to keep it a secret or having to do the same for all, it's not as if my DS gets whatever their mother buys them but if they come here and notice he has it's 'not fair he got that'....I have next to no one on one time so as well as him being at his dads almost 50/50 I loose my precious time spread over these other kids. The ex controlling our life is also a big issue for me.
I have fantasised about still having a relashionship with DP but living part although I don't thing next door is the answer, you need a clear diferentiater otherwise the different rules and privacy etc you seek won't be there. How can you have interconnecting doors but tell your child no we are having x for tea and they are having y etc
I will give it till the new year and reasses wether to approach DP about it, he will be devastated but I think if we don't consider it and it carrys on as we are, it will finish us off any way, the resentment will leave un repairable damage. My opinion is I have just one child who is my life/sunshine and reason for everything and I want to enjoy and raise him the way I want.

This would be the answer to my prayers. If only I could find 2 homes next to each other or within strolling distance.

My DP has has major hints about DsD moving in but the difference in parenting is far to obvious for me to agree. I just keep doing the non-committal hghmmmm, and praying he doesn't see it through at this moment in time. Far too Disney dad for his own, (and daughters) good. He does not have a clue that the 'sunshine and lollipops' experience will not continue if she live here full time.

Ray,

Your post sums up all of my feelings.

I know just what you mean about holidays, buying things and the resentment.

DP (not yet living together) was chatting to someone who does this, think kids are all older teens / adults now, but been together around 10-15 years, so they were much younger. 2 children on one side, 3 on the other.

I can see considerable merits in the situation. While I can see lots of positives to living with my dp, I have got used over the last 4+ years to my own space, and having complete control in my household.
Problem would be finding a suitable building (and then funding it!).

So sorry for not responding to others' posts sooner. I've just realised this thread got further posts.

Ray75, I can relate to your post so much. I find it's my DS who has to keep bending - things we might have always done just the two of us now have to involve one or more step-children; amounts of pocket money have to be tweaked to be fair; he has a friend over for a sleepover and wants the two of them to just hang out, and DP's eldest (who considers my DS his best friend) is right there in DS's space, wanting to join in on the playing. Eldest DSS wants what DS wants, wants to be the same thing as DS when he grows up, wants the same friends as DS ... it's a lot of compromise to expect of DS. And I just lose my cool from feeling so out of control of my own space/home environment. So something's got to give.

greenwichgroove, that arrangement sounds perfect!

theredhen, I wouldn't want to give the impression of rejecting DSSs. I think there's a difference between suggesting I don't want them, and saying I need my space and so does DS - so do we all - and we all need to respect that. My ideal would be that the children could join together and play as much as they want (which they do already), but also be able to say actually, I want a bit of quiet and time on my own for a bit so I'm going to hang out in our 'zone' for a while. I don't think that's unreasonable, or unkind. The kids know we are not a 'together'/'normal' family, and it takes the pressure off to not try to be.

I think if DP is likely to have his eldest even more, DS is going to feel stifled (DS says DP's eldest is taking over his life!) if we don't change the house somehow.

Thank you all for posting.

Raptor, your situation sounds very much like mine and I can relate very much to so much of what you say. Dsc "taking over" and your ds losing time with mum and feeling "swallowed up" by it all. My ds never complains though.

I wasn't trying to say you're being nasty but I know how my dsc would complain if they thought ds was doing something without them. It doesn't seem to matter, they have mum, dad, grandparents etc running around after them, heaven forbid ds actually does something without them!

If you can make it work, I think you have the perfect solution.

I think more help in the house (cleaner etc) would be a better solution!

How would a cleaner provide the OPs DS with the solitude and one-to-one time that the OP says he misses out on?

By relieving parents of domestic duties so that they can spend more time with their children.

But if you're in one big house, it's almost impossible (or it is in mine, anyway) to get one to one time with your own children.

That's an organisational issue, not a structural issue. All our DCs get plenty of one-on-one time because we organise our family life that way.

When there's 5 kids, it's really hard, although I do admit dp could be more helpful in the instigation of one to one time in our situation.

I think it also depends on the kids, all dp kids are able to spend one to one time with dp (albeit small amounts) but dsc cling to either me or ds like glue,I suspect because they are jealous of ds and I.

Ditto theredhen. It depends on the ages of the children too. And there's no way DP and I could afford additional help at home with domestic duties, beyond a cleaner once a fortnight which we had for a while. We both work, but for charities, and third sector pay is low. And a fortnightly cleaner doesn't dent the day-to-day washing, cooking, washing up, sweeping up, tidying up, etc.

But I don't think this is so much about chores, but about personal space/the need for solitude/territory - fairly primal stuff. I agree with theredhen. I do get one-to-one time with DS, but not as much as I used to, and DP's eldest tries to muscle in on a lot of this (no doubt partly because he has a poor relationship with his own mum). But beyond this, it's the shere noise, mess, whining, tantrums, etc. Sometimes I (and DS) just need peace from this; freedom from it - to be able to opt out temporarily.

I think I'm a good step-mum; DP's kids are all fond of me, like coming here, we have fun, we have rules, etc. BUT I'm not super-human; I love DP but I never chose/planned to have four young children. And I need somewhere, a sanctuary I can call mine and DS's, that I can retreat to to regain my perspective and sanity from time to time. This is impossible at the moment - hence my plan.

your plan sounds awesome!!! I wish i had the money to implement that here, we exist as one big 'happy' family but i go quietly (actually, ok, not so quietly!!) insane as my personal space feels invaded, I have learned to cope with it through certain ways, they go away for the summer and it feels so relaxing having my own space again. a solution like this sounds ideal but i have always said if we could afford a great big house, where I could have my own little private couple of rooms and bathroom, life would be sweet, it clearly is me with the issues, but as a mother i am the glue which keeps us all together, or at least the one who does most of the work!!!