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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What you do about his ex?

20 replies

meesle · 09/08/2012 23:36

I've been a step-parent for some years now. My relationship with his ex has always been OK and she'll often come and spend some time in the house when picking up etc. The find I find really difficult is that she's very overtly flirtatious with my husband. I always turn a blind eye and don't rise to it but aftr 6 yrs I'm just reaching the point of saying something. tonight was verry difficult, she sat by his feet in a very low cut top and was very animated with lots of flirty looks. She a nice woman and I can't tell if it's to get at me, to get his attention or just innocent but I'm just feeling like a doormat and for the first time tonight I've realised what a mug I'm being. I know that this behaviour would not be acceptable if she was in my shoes. What should I do without ruining the releationship. Don't bother suggesting that I mention it to my husband, I've tried in the past and he think he's the victim!

OP posts:

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 10/08/2012 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeB0F · 10/08/2012 00:46

All you can do really is minimise the 'invite you in stuff', and bear in mind that you are in control here, not her.

20weeksandcounting · 10/08/2012 08:57

Ignore it.

newme01 · 10/08/2012 09:33

Thanks for feedback and if it is your cousin, tell her to pack it in! ;-)

AhoySailor · 10/08/2012 09:52

Ignore her ... YOU are with her ex-partner now, not her

I wouldn't let her in the house as often if it is annoying you

newme01 · 10/08/2012 10:19

See what you're saying but I don't let her in, she just kind of comes in. Don't want to ban her from the house but I've been nothing but nice and accommodating and feel like she's chucking it back in my face when she does her attention seeking displays. It would be difficult to suddenly say she can't come in and her child would notice too. Think in future I'll just leave the room whilst she gets on with her routine. Thanks for your advice though AhoySailor. Think it's partly my own fault for trying to be so friendly. Forgot to say in original post, they were split up a long time before I met him.

Kaluki · 10/08/2012 10:33

Ignore Ignore Ignore
If you don't she will know you are bothered by it and will think you are jealous of her - what an ego boost.
Your DH is with you - if he wanted to look at her cleavage he would be with her now wouldn't he!

20weeksandcounting · 10/08/2012 10:39

I wouldn't even leave the room - I'd be laughing at her pathetic attention seeking myself

AhoySailor · 10/08/2012 10:52

Does she have another partner now? ... or is she single?

Why is she allowed to just 'come in'? ... She shouldn't just be wandering in to your house, if not invited.

Why does she have to stay for so long? ... can she not just say hello, get the DC and leave.

Why does DH allow this? (her out-staying her welcome)

Has DH actually noticed his ex parading around and being flirtatious, or does he ignore her behaviour/not notice her behaviour?

Have you mentioned this to DH?

I don't think you have anything to worry about ... it's just his ex, parading about and out-staying her welcome. You could always get her out the house by saying you and DH have other things to do

newme01 · 10/08/2012 11:03

She does have a partner and she doesn't behave the same way when he's around although she's still chatty.
I can tell DH feels uncomfortable but I don't bother discussing it because it annoys him if I raise it. He thinks I'm being insecure.
I will admit, sometimes I do feel a little jealous but it's not so much about him fancying her. It's more about the fact that she'll act very friendly but then be so disrespectful and I think it's done because she knows I won't say anything and if I do it can all be passed off as me being sensitive but it's not, there is definitely a game being played.
I think she likes to come in an have a bit of control over us all but I feel like she's invading my space and in future will try to be a little less welcoming and put some boundaries in place. Thanks for all the advice. You're right, it's best not to say anything, but just to rise above it and try to limit visits! Thanks v much, so nice to get it off my chest and get support!!!!

AhoySailor · 10/08/2012 11:41

A-Ha ... now we are getting somewhere. So she doesn't behave that way when her partner is around?? ... Interesting

Was the reason for the break up between her and ex (your DH) because of her flirtatious actions towards other men?

If she acts friendly and is then disrespectful, why on earth is this woman still allowed in your house? ... your DH must get pissed off with her too, not just you, if that's her attitude towards both of you.

I wouldn't be letting this woman in the house (anyway) and certainly not if that's how she conducts herself . I'm not saying don't let her in (because as you say, you have welcomed her in and it would now look strange to bar her access now), but just get her to stay for less time ... it only takes a minute or so to collect a DC (if the DC is fully prepared before she comes)

Have you tried wearing a low-cut top (and flouncing about) when she visits your house? ... LOL only joking ... you shouldn't have to lower yourself to that ... but it could be worth a try LOL

I would restrict the amount of time she is allowed in the house, and if she starts 'acting up' or being disrespectful, get her out ... otherwise ignore her actions, it seems your DH isn't 'turned on' by it and he sees her as an irritation too

Ignore her.

Just sit there smugly (in your low-cut top ... LOL), drinking your glass of wine , and laugh heartily at her

newme01 · 10/08/2012 11:58

Lol - the best answer yet. They split because he just grew apart but think she would have continued. It's sad isn't it, because I have thought about the low cut top thing but I think ah sod her why should I play her stupid game. Other times though I do think yeah I'll do it think 'right back atcha baby!' Thanks - I'll try the diplomatic route and then out comes the cleavage and glass of wine!!! ;-) Thanks.

BertieBotts · 10/08/2012 12:00

Ignore. If you trust him, then it's not an issue. If you think he still has feelings for her, then it is, but it's not her that's the issue, IYSWIM.

EmilieFloge · 10/08/2012 12:05

Is it possible that your DH is still seeing her, or in touch with her without your knowledge?

I have seen this happen. I hope it is not the case but I would feel very uncomfortable in your situation - she is breaking boundaries that ought to be in place. And your DH is doing nothing about it - his loylalties need sorting out, and he needs to stand up for you and the privacy/sacredness of your family life a bit.

He's letting her get away with a lot, and perhaps he enjoys it in some way. You need to make it clear that it upsets you and also, that it is not right or normal.

EmilieFloge · 10/08/2012 12:06

Don't lower yourself to trying to compete with her by how you dress etc. that will make you look very childish and a bit desperate.

I think there are better ways.

newme01 · 10/08/2012 12:38

I'm pretty sure he isn't still seeing her. I think he does fancy her physically (she in amazing shape and so most men would and fairplay to her). But just feel sometimes that there is an angry woman behind the scenes that's after a bit of revenge or a 'look at what you could have won'. I do honestly sometimes feel sorry for her, that she feels that way and I try to show I'm not threatened by letting her come in and stay as long as she likes, make her drinks etc, act indifferent and for the most part it's fine. Just every so often I think - why am I putting up with this when I know she wouldn't? You're right about the stopping to her level, but sometimes the devil wants to come out and show her what it feels like.

AhoySailor · 10/08/2012 12:48

Yes EmilieFloge, I agree ... I was joking about newme01 changing how she dress to 'compete' ... That was my 'stupid' answer to make newme01 laugh (it seems to have worked)

But seriously newme01 you do have to have a chat with DH with regards to her being disrespectful

newme01 · 10/08/2012 12:52

I will speak to DH as advised. Thanks AhoySailor, the laugh worked and I'll definitely still do the glass of wine even if I'm sat in a room on my own ;-)
Thanks all for feedback. Think I've given her silly antics enough air-time now and feel much better for having had all the great advice and feedback from you lovely people. This place is great!
Thanks again all your help and advice.

AhoySailor · 10/08/2012 14:02

You are welcome newme01, glad to have helped (even if it was just to make you laugh).

I had a chuckle to myself when you were discussing her wearing low-cut tops and I remember when me and DP first got together (all this happening within the first 6 months of me and DP getting together ... she has given up on these shenanigans now).

DP would go round to ex's house to collect/drop-off son and sometimes she would answer the door wear low-cut tops (tight clothing) and be very friendly with him (something which was totally alien to DP, because she had never been that nice and civil to him when they were together ... but she has always worn low-cut tops though). He NEVER went into her house, just stayed at the door.

DP would come home and say something like ... 'OMG, the mutton wasn't even dressed as a lamb this time, more like a hippo'.

All we did was just laugh at her pathetic flouncing about, her dress sense and her 'niceness' ... strange woman

LOL

taxiforme · 12/08/2012 18:28

Oh dear, I can only imagine the look on my DH's face if his exW and me tried to outboob each other in front of him on the steps.

If you forgive me for sounding flip but it almost sounds like a David Attenborough wildlife film..with apologies to Saint David of Africa..

"...on the plains of africa, the rejected lioness enters the established pride again..preening her err..mane..waggling her err...tail..and is she is met by the male lion's mate..it is no match..she goes back into the jungle, dejected..male lion looks on, swats a fly and thinks..god I am amazing..roar".

Its clear to me that your DH (bless him, he is only human and you are mature/grounded enough to say that she is attractive) is probably rather enjoying these two women on his territory.

She is insecure. Sweeping generalisation, but i think I am right!!

You sound sane and grounded. Just ignore her. She has been doing it. for.six. years. It hasnt worked. Just remain cool and stylish. Think what would Coco do? Or Jackie Onassis? Look fab, look cool, always have something to say. No tits required.

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