Help needed Coping with a meeting with estranged Stepchildren

[SummerBreak]

I am a regular here taking a break from MN during the summer holiday, but something has come up that I need a pep talk about as I'm feeling beyond anxious about it.

The back ground is I have two late teens stepchildren who have not visited for about 4 months following a very brief and very unexpected falling out I had with them. It was all very mundane really but triggered the elder of the two to spew a load of verbal abuse at me - the bottom line being they believe I have been trying to drive them out for years, not allow them to see their Dad, and want them out of the way so I can play happy families with my children and their Dad.

All of this is untrue - I have poured everything into doing the right thing for them for years and I'm sorry to say but the phrases he used were word for word what their mother has thrown at DH time and time again, - so I can't help but think it's something they have been fed by her.

Anyway since the initial falling out DH has tried contacting them to talk it over and it's been put off again and again (for various reasons by them) until he met with them last week. The upshot of that was that they are still saying they have a problem with me, they think I am putting DH in the middle making it difficult for them to have a relationship with them, and that he sides with me for a quiet life (that is so far from the truth it's a joke).

So now all four of us are going to meet today to try to sort something out and get back to 'normal' - I don't know what normal is anymore since I have come to the realisation that they have disliked me all this time (while I have been doing everything for them by the way) and that although I have been in their lives since they were very young, I am irrelevant to them.

I feel defeated in a way, there is so much I want to say to them but it's pointless - I know that nothing I can say will convince them they are wrong about me. I am going to listen to what they have to say but I really really don't know what to say back. I think I'm just going to sit there in silence or probably cry the whole time.

I know this is a big ask, but any tips for keeping me sane in preparation for and during this difficult meeting?

How did you get on summer?

Here's the outcome I posted in the other thread in chat

Well the meeting happened, they were an hour late which wasn't a good start and then lurked in the hall not wanting to come in and sit down. Eventually they did and I and DH sat and listened.

There was quite a deal of going round in circles as you would expect, but the upshot is they insist that there problem with me is that I have been trying to stop their relationship with dad etc (as per the OP).

I asked them specifically what they feel I have done to make them feel this way ( compared with solid examples of me putting their feelings before the needs of my own children) and the elder one said that their mum couldn't come round anymore and dad wasn't going round to their house . I asked what they thought this had to do with me? and asked them to look at the fact that since he was driving (nearly two years) what reason did he think there was for each to be at one another's houses but reiterated that I had certainly not made the faintest suggestion that this was what I had directed, - they said that's not how mum sees it, - I suggested they discuss that with her then and set aside that particular gripe with me in the meantime.

So apart from that they claimed they didn't feel at home here, I said its a great shame they feel that way as I truly have done everything I could to make them feel the opposite (listing off solid examples again)

I remained calm, didn't cry but did get a bit of a lip tremble at one point. I asked what they thought I could do/ or could have done differently, they at this point started back from square one about driving out etc so at this point I tried to explain the way I cared for them and honestly always thought about their feelings and how hard it was to adjust to two different households etc, and how I was bewildered to find they had disliked me so much for so long, - basically poured my heart out a bit (but didn't go on too much) . But they completely ignored every word and started again! At this point DH said hang on have you not taken in anything summer has just said - you have just completely ignored her, - they replied 'well that's not the way it is'. I said I accept that might not be the way they perceive it and I'm sorry they see it that way, they repeated, no that's not the way it is.

So after all that we're still on a stand off it seems - I had to go and pick the children up (as they were so late in arriving we had run out of time) and I left them with DH to wrap things up as best he could, - i had already suggested inviting them for lunch so he did, so they are going to let us know when they can make it.

Sorry for the essay, I know it's all a lot of nothing in the end but it's good to get it down in writing so to speak.

Thanks for letting me mull over it, it helped me keep very calm which was great, - they actually said they were dreading coming over because they thought it would be a massive row.

the elder one said that their mum couldn't come round anymore and dad wasn't going round to their house

These are older teens, whose parents have been separated from some years, and yet they expect their parents to remain social friends?

Sorry to say it, but that sounds really weird - surely at their age, they should be aware of the dynamics of adult relationships?

I'm sorry it wasn't more positive, but it seems that there are some really deep issues to be sorted out here by their parents - and you've just got caught up in the middle of it

You sound as if you are being scapegoated for their parents moving on with their lives. They need to grow up a but there. Have they wound each other up into a 'so unfair' frenzy.

They may not feel at home because it's not their joint parents house iyswim. There's not much you can do about that other than carry on being welcoming etc.

I think you were right to ask them what you could have done differently. If they carry on ask them what they would like to 've different from now on - it sounds like they don't actually know. And if you show willing but they have nothing to ask well.... they may quietly stop with the amateur dramatics.

They sound throughly entitled and unpleasant teenagers. Concentrate on your positive relationships, you won't win with these two if they've convinced themselves.

It also sounds like their mother has done her fair share of stirring, I hope she's proud of them

Summer, I hope that things work out with your skids but remember that none of this is your fault and you have done nothing wrong.

I'm several years further on than you with a similar situation. My skids decided that they hated me (couldn't give DH a reason when asked) so I detached from the whole situation. I haven't seen them or had any contact at all for 4 years now. DH sees them on his own away from our house. He never sees them overnight, during weekends or at Christmas.

Your skids are old enough to know what they want and can't be forced to have a relationship with you. Ultimately, they are the ones that will miss out. You need to sit down and discuss how and when your DH will see them on his own.

My life is much more enjoyable without skids being nasty and hurtful. If they ever change their minds I'll meet up with them but I won't hold my breath!