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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help needed Coping with a meeting with estranged Stepchildren

31 replies

SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 09:07

I am a regular here taking a break from MN during the summer holiday, but something has come up that I need a pep talk about as I'm feeling beyond anxious about it.

The back ground is I have two late teens stepchildren who have not visited for about 4 months following a very brief and very unexpected falling out I had with them. It was all very mundane really but triggered the elder of the two to spew a load of verbal abuse at me - the bottom line being they believe I have been trying to drive them out for years, not allow them to see their Dad, and want them out of the way so I can play happy families with my children and their Dad.

All of this is untrue - I have poured everything into doing the right thing for them for years and I'm sorry to say but the phrases he used were word for word what their mother has thrown at DH time and time again, - so I can't help but think it's something they have been fed by her.

Anyway since the initial falling out DH has tried contacting them to talk it over and it's been put off again and again (for various reasons by them) until he met with them last week. The upshot of that was that they are still saying they have a problem with me, they think I am putting DH in the middle making it difficult for them to have a relationship with them, and that he sides with me for a quiet life (that is so far from the truth it's a joke).

So now all four of us are going to meet today to try to sort something out and get back to 'normal' - I don't know what normal is anymore since I have come to the realisation that they have disliked me all this time (while I have been doing everything for them by the way) and that although I have been in their lives since they were very young, I am irrelevant to them.

I feel defeated in a way, there is so much I want to say to them but it's pointless - I know that nothing I can say will convince them they are wrong about me. I am going to listen to what they have to say but I really really don't know what to say back. I think I'm just going to sit there in silence or probably cry the whole time.

I know this is a big ask, but any tips for keeping me sane in preparation for and during this difficult meeting?

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 09/08/2012 09:32

Rescue remedy.

Other than that - set your objective; whether it be to get your pov across, or just to sit through the meeting without getting defensive - and hold that at the forefront of your mind all the way through.

I would be looking to your DP to take the lead - if he doesn't expect his DCs to respect you, then your problem is with him, not them Sad

Good luck!

Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 09:40

Rescue remedy-yes! Definitely need that, I feel so anxious and jangly about it.

Getting through the meeting without being defensive and / or crying -yes

DH is as confused by this as I am I think, but yes he does expect respect. I have been saying I can't believe I've done all I've done for them over the years and all the time they've hated me - he says he doesn't believe they do, but why say it?

Thank you NADM that does help, off to get some rescue remedy too!

OP posts:
20weeksandcounting · 09/08/2012 09:43

dont do it, really, let him see them then decide at some point if you want to see them on your terms

20weeksandcounting · 09/08/2012 09:45

they havent hated you for years but they are teenagers and so inherently all memememememememememememememe

teenagers say this sort of stuff, but in your average day to day household its dismissed with the contempt it deserves and they dont get to wield power with it

NigellaTufnel · 09/08/2012 09:54

I don't think that they really mean it. Ask yourself, when you were making them dinner on a wet afternoon in February after ferrying them about somewhere, doing normal things, were they sulking and saying "I hate you"?

Nope.

My point is they are teenagers, therefore addicted to drama and they have cast you as the wicked stepmother in some Skins like scenario in their heads.

You know that all the little acts if love you have shown them will help them back to you.

And you DH should be clear that he is happy to hear what they sat but will will not let them treat you in a disrespectful manner

Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 09:57

dont do it, really, let him see them then decide at some point if you want to see them on your terms

That is what I feel in my gut that I want to do in this situation - but it seems crazy to go from regular contact/overnight stays (rigidly stuck to but that's another thread) for years and years to DH having to meet his children outside the home - it looks to everyone looking on that it's just me being difficult, and being exactly what they are portraying me to be.

Having said that I don't know how it's ever going to go back to how it was, besides they are practically adults now (loosely used).

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 10:05

I do hope they look back and see me for what I was rather than this wicked stepmother in their drama !

The weird thing is that they/ he mainly, called me so many things that truly don't apply to me but more their mother drama queen, argumentative, confrontational, volatile etc. It was honestly like he was talking about her, like he was thrashing through an argument with me that was meant for her Confused. And it was a one off, I said at the time 'i don't know where this is coming from, as far as I'm concerned this is the first time we've ever had crossed words'

I've been trying to make sense out of it for months, perhaps that's where I'm going wrong!

OP posts:
MrsJREwing · 09/08/2012 10:08

Say sorry mean it, look at yourself and your behaviour.

Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 10:10

Eh? Say sorry for what exactly? Confused

OP posts:
KickTheGuru · 09/08/2012 10:12

And you DH should be clear that he is happy to hear what they sat but will will not let them treat you in a disrespectful manner

Agree totally. AND they are practically adults - so they need to take responsibility for their actions.

You can't be walked over just because they are the product of a failed marriage. Don't allow this to become some kind of bashing thing against you. As hard as you try to make sure that they have a home with you, they need to meet you half way as well

KickTheGuru · 09/08/2012 10:14

Ignore this uselessly pathetic comment: Say sorry mean it, look at yourself and your behaviour.

theredhen · 09/08/2012 10:26

You and your DP really need to be strong on this. You need to be adult about this and be strong, any tears or anger from you will "justify" their actions. I know it's hard, but try to rise above it, even though you might want to scream at them that they are selfish so and so's! Grin

You need to continue to be kind and behave like an adult but you and your DP expect respect in return from your DSC. If they can't do this and insist on using you as some sort of scapegoat, then they have to have a relationship with their father without you and accept the consequences of that in that there will be no summerbreak making things lovely and comfortable for them.

Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 10:33

As ever redhen you have got to the heart of it. I do feel like I'm being made a scapegoat - e.g if they have poor results in their exams it will be All My Fault.

And yes, I feel like saying if you feel that way about me then you can do your own shopping,washing, cooking, clearing up etc etc.

OP posts:
AhoySailor · 09/08/2012 10:34

Summerbreak maybe it was just ss having a huge rant at you because that's what he really wants to say to his mum.

Not your fault!!

If you have the back up from your other half, then that is half the battle won already.

Listen to what the step kids have to say (while you sit quietly, not getting defensive or talking over them ... 'swan on the water, quiet on the top of the water, thrashing madly underneath') ... then I would say, 'I have listened to you and what your feelings are for me and I am sad that you feel this way about me' ... words to that effect. Then I would let your DH have the final say

Good luck, hope all goes well

Smile
Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 10:39

Thank you, I am beginning to calm.

Swan on the water - check.

OP posts:
KickTheGuru · 09/08/2012 10:47

I liked that swan on the water

Does your DH support you?

theredhen · 09/08/2012 10:49

Remember that some people do this all their lives. When things don't go their way, they blame everyone else. My own DS can be a bit like this, he's the only one who ever had lego that didn't fit together properly or a computer that crashed etc. and his Dad has the same mentality. If he was late for work, it was never his fault he didn't get up early enough, it was the weather, the traffic, the old man crossing the road at the wrong time....

I've never let my DS "get away with it" in blaming anyone or everyone else and always explain that his own actions and determination are what makes him as a person.

I think kids from "broken" homes have the perfect excuse to blame the difficulties in life on their "situation" and often the step parent too. Just remember that by blaming you, they are not looking at themselves. It's easier to blame those around you, than look at yourself and make changes to your own behaviour.

Graceparkhill · 09/08/2012 10:58

I agree with what others have said about the dramatic life of teens.

I would forget ( I know) all that was said in the heat of the moment and use this meeting as an opportunity to move on.

They are in the transition phase to being adults and need to be encouraged to let go of the past and move forwards to a new more grown up relationship with you and your DH.

I would agree some ground rules at the start of the meeting eg

Only one person speaks at a time/ no interrupting / no verbal abuse - whatever

seems appropriate and can be mutually agreed and then as someone said a

clear set of ( not too many) achievable objectives.

One objective might just be to clear the air and agree another time to meet.
You don't have to resolve everything at the one sitting- just use it as

springboard .
Good luck!

MrsJREwing · 09/08/2012 11:09

I couldn't agree more than with redhelens last sentence.

allnewtaketwo · 09/08/2012 11:16

MrsJREwing - do you know the OP personally or do you always make such broad brush assumptions as to peoples' past behaviour and faults?

Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 11:24

MrsJREwing why are you so convinced that I need to apologise and look at my own behaviour? What from anything I have posted makes you think I intend to point the finger and blame anyone or indeed that my own 'behaviour' is flawed here?

You know absolutely nothing of the past 13 years in my family, with these children, nothing. I am asking for help to handle a difficult meeting, I am having this meeting because I want us all to be able to move on.

You are goading with your loaded posts, do stop it.

OP posts:
theredhen · 09/08/2012 11:25

Of course op should look at her own behaviour but do should the children just as much. From what op has written, she has been doing everything she can for dsc whilst they are now throwing it all back in her face.

Seems some people are making assumptions based on their own experiences and not what has been written here by op.

Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 11:31

Thank you redhen, i appreciate everyone needs to be responsible for their actions and behaviour which is why we are having this meeting, i will be listening to what they have to say - doing the best i can for them which is what hand on heart i have always tried to do.

If I didn't care I could easily say forget it, I give up - obviously continue to see your Dad but it'll have to be without me and out of the home - but I haven't.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreak · 09/08/2012 11:34

I have invested too much in this family to just give up at the last hurdle, which is probably what it is a hiccup as they are becoming adults.

OP posts:
witchofmiddx · 09/08/2012 21:37

Summerbreak i am in a similar situation to you with my two elder ss. Despite their mother suddenly taking off to live at the other end of the country just before elder ss gcse's last year, leading him to drop out of school to follow her, i am blamed for everything that is wrong in their lives, simply for "taking" their dad (long after exw affair/divorce). We had a meeting (with exw present) to try & iron out the bad feeling on their part, but they clammed up & wouldn't communicate.

I think as in your case it seems to be a more recent upset (as opposed to years of resentment), you have a better chance of getting somewhere with the meeting than i did. But the first rule of the meeting has to be respect for all parties. Your dh has to back you up on this. The second rule is not simply to focus on the negatives of the past (although you will hear their concerns), but to focus on what you ALL want to see from eachother to make things better.

You made a very good point about their ages and the end of this era in sight. My steps are away for a few weeks and the breathing space is tantalizingly showing me the pipe dream of when it'll just be me & my dh rattling around...

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