Somebody tell me to wise up and suck it up..

[taxiforme]

My DH has three kids I have none. We live in a small village where DH's Exw and kids live too (and her family).

My family all live miles away and I have moved into the ex MH (four years ago) which has not been easy and I often feel like a stranger in the village. I was NOT the OW btw (the marriage was ended and DHexW left about two years before I came along, she was living with someone else by then). Life can be a little lonely.

Put the hankies away..I do get out loads and have a great job (which is V stressful too). I am an outgoing and sociable person and apart from a few ups and downs (teenage step kids, Dizzy dad parenting, niggles with exW but nothing major) everything is fine.

However tonight I just feel so sad and sorry for myself. I come home from the shops laden with groceries and DH is hopping around (the kids are here). The kids were going over the road (to his exW's mother's) to see some rellies who had come from overseas. I have met them all before and I have been round for tea - there are no hard feelings towards me, they have been nothing but polite and genuinely seemed pleased when we got together- my DH was a huge part of their lives and I know they were devastated when his ExW left him (it was a 16 year marriage).

DH says "we are off" to me, clearly he is going too and I am just unpacking the shopping. "OK", I say.."shall I bring a bottle of wine or something?"

The look on his face said it all..

So off he went with the kids...the invitation did not extend to me or he was uncomfortable about me being there.

I feel like the little match girl..looking through the window..I feel like I don't belong...that his "real" family has drawn him back and I am not worthy.

Yes, I am a drama lama and perspective needed..yes I need to grow some..yes.. I know only I am responsible for how I make myself feel..but this is part of a bigger problem (my insecurity - exW will always be the mother of his children) and it reinforces my feelings as an outsider in my own home.

Can anyone empathise? Can anyone help me form something to say to my DH when he comes home to express myself? Do I need to say anything?

That's pants that he's excluding you.

Does he do that often ?

If you told him how it made you feel - what would his reaction be?

I think he would be very upset to be honest.

He is a very sweet natured guy, but does "avoid" things.

It is part of a bigger picture that I am sure most SMs can identify with. That there is this little unit which you don't belong to. Thing is..boo hoo I have no one in my little unit.

I don't think you need to suck it up at all

I think your DH is treating you very badly

That sounds horrible. I know when me and DH first got together it did feel like it was him and his dd that were the 'unit' and I was on the outside. But when we married and had our own family that was no longer the case. I certainly don't think you should just suck it up- I think you need to tell him that this was a hurtful thing for him to do. He probably doesn't even realise, but he'll know not to leave you out again.

I don't think you need to wise up or suck it up at all taxiforme ... I think you are very justified in the way you are feeling.

I don't have any children of my own either and I am sometimes (thankfully not often) put into that type of situation by my partner (as lovely as he is, he doesn't always think ahead or think certain things will upset me), or I sometimes feel excluded from the 'boys club' (my partner and his son)

Thankfully, we are both very good at communicating and we have grown together as a couple over the years, so that makes it easier to be able to sort all these little problems out ... it's his ex-wife (and biomum of the skid) which we (me and partner) need to have a united front against, not each other

Hope everything gets sorted out for you

I can empathise - but not sure I can help! I have an image in my mind of a circle with DH and his dc's inside and me hovering on the outside looking for a way in that doesn't exist.

I struggle not to feel sorry for myself at times but try to work on the buddhist theory that no-one can make you feel anything. Things happen to us that we can't change or control and we may not like it but we can try to control how we react to it. Your mind is yours alone and you can get it to work for you. It's not easy but your response could have been "with that lot out of the way I can put the shopping away in peace and then relax with a glass of wine in front of the olympics for an hour.

I know this is hard to do but what choice do we have? There will always be situations like this in my life. I am not in their little unit and can't really change that - I just have to work on dealing with it.

I can also completely empathise - no kids, geographically v close to ex.

I have been hurt in the past when I have been/felt excluded. When it happens I feel insecure and angry. DP is getting better. We are doing couple counselling which has been really really helpful for both of us to understand the other better. DP is now much better at communicating with me and vice versa. I would really recommend it - even if your relationship is pretty good.

In the meantime - keep your chin up and try to find a friend in RL who you can run to when things like this happen without her judging the situation too much.

x

"That there is this little unit which you don't belong to. Thing is..boo hoo I have no one in my little unit"

OP I think you've summed it up really well. I can really empathise with that, although probably can't help very much. Before I had my own DS I felt like this all the time when DSSs were round.

My memories from the early days still make me feel . Even in our own home, I felt very much on the periphery when they were round. This was exagerrated even further because MIL would feel it her right to land in on us during DSSs visits, which made it even more of a separate "unit" which didn't include me. I didn't recognise then what was making me feel upset/angry, but now I know this is what it was. And it was more difficult for me because my family were overseas so I didn't have a "unit" of my own. I felt very lonely and alienated.

I think you should discuss this with DH. I don't think he should have gone over. Fine if the children want to, but it seems harsh to exclude you in this way.

Yep, I can empathise too. And I don't think you ought to suck it up, I think you ought to let your DH know how you're feeling. After all - you are there because of him and the kids and unless you are able to be honest about your feelings - and get some support to feel better - it is natural that you will feel depressed and resentful.

I live on another continent from my family and closest friends. I desperately want to be closer to my family and to DD's cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles - but we won't leave here until DSCs are out of school. I have a few friends, but I am an outsider here, and sometimes I feel like one in my home as well. It is lonely even at the best of times. I do talk to DH about it and that helps, and he has learned to be more sensitive to it. But I have to be pretty frank sometimes!

Thanks for all your kind comments.

He came back early and was very contrite. I haven't had time to talk to him about it properly yet as I was called into work. I know a lot of it is to do with me coming to terms with my situation - kids won't happen to me now. DH had the snip on the instructions of his exW (then she left him!!) Added to that, the isolation.

Also I was faced with the comment last night "thats not the taxi family, mum is not there" when my 12 YO DSS saw a pic of us in FB tagged "the taxi family".

Like brdgrl we are a bit stuck here as DH does not want to move away from the kids and also his work.

It's also good to know that I am not alone on my little island..[waves at other islands in tropical sea] better to think of my/our situation as an island - with a beach bar and David Beckham in those tight trunks.

I also think you need to talk about your feelings to your DP. It doesn't necessarily mean things have to change drastically but you need to talk about how you feel and if your DP is a good man, he will listen and take on board what you are saying and want to change things to make you feel more comfortable.

I feel very isolated in my family and I do have a child but I'm massively outnumbered and living in the ex marital home of DP and his ex. I try and tell my DP how I feel and he tells me I'm being "harsh and unfair".

Sometimes we don't actually want to make big changes but we just want to heard and understood don't we?

Yes redhen you're spot on with that last comment. From recent counselling I've become aware of how feeling 'overlooked' has led to me feeling depressed. I wasn't even aware of feeling overlooked, but now I'm clear that's what a key issue is. The constant dramas, being outnumbered, so many many many conversations about someone else's problems/children/ex etc etc. Everybody always asking about and understanding DH's feeling and his problems. It's only human to feel "what about me?" sometimes. And if you never do the "what about me" bit, that leads to feeling overlooked if it continues for long enough. Yet if you say something as a step-parent, it always comes across as criticising. Actually I would just like some recognition that actually, this isn't always that great for me either.

Yup, with all the constant drama, pressure etc in my home not one of dp's family or friends has asked how I am finding things. For gods sake, I'm bringing up their grandchildren, nephews, nieces etc etc. I recently told them I was stressed with it all and they expressed surprise!

All I ever hear is poor dsc whilst my own ds doesn't even get mentioned in conversation.

Would it really hurt them to offer to do something nice with ds or to actually take the "poor dsc" out to give me a break?

I'm part of the family but only when I put up and shut up. If I dare to complain then obviously I'm selfish etc.

Sorry op, hijacking your thread a bit, but at least you can see you're not alone in feeling "not part if the family".

It is such a fine line to tread isn't it?

Taxiforme, I really think you need to explain to your DH how you feel. Is there a possibility that he actually thinks he is shielding you from having to get involved with family events? Mind you, I see it is his ex's mother - I feel sorry for you living so close to all of them. I think it is them who should "suck it up", not you. As you are now married to their daughter's ex, you are part of that extended family. They should be able to empathise with your position, and should be trying to include you, not exclude you. If they can't see that, then I think it is your DH's place to tell them. The fact that he came back early and contrite says something - I think he knows how you feel. He must do something to change this, and I would bet that is what he is scared of. Is the exMIL a decent sort, who would understand this?

Try to ignore DSS comments about family - I've read quite a bit about this, and I really believe that very often, all kids really want is their mum and dad back together - the people around the edge - like you, like me, like their mum's partner - are disposable. I don't think it's a personal dislike of any of us, it's a result of their deep and maybe unconscious desire to have their mum and dad back together. Detach, detach, detach.

Was his exW at the family get together too? How do you get on with her? In an ideal world, it should be possible for you both to be there.

God I know this feeling. It's so hard and upsetting and I dno't think anyone could understand it unless they'd been in the situation. The way I always see it is my husband is the focus of my love and attention but he needs to spread his focus amongst his children, family etc and so you always feel like you're getting out a lot less than you're putting in.
I do think it's unfair for him to go to the house without you - he should include you or not go. Hopefully if you talk to him he'll see how this feels. Ask him to imagine being in your shoes. Good luck.

You are a couple. The invite should have extended to include you..... He ought not to have attended without you unless, you'd been invited and declined said invite.

He might be a lovely guy but he's colluded in this "it's just family" situation. Not good.