Don't want to be the bad cop all the time...help!

[spg1983]

Hi, I'm married and 10w pregnant with first child, DH has a son aged 6 who stays with us every weekend and half of all school hols. Things have been great with nice amicable relationships between all parties. DH's ex is engaged and her partner is lovely and really good with DSS.

DSS is normally a really polite and well-behaved boy, so much so that we've not ever really had to discipline him, i.e. no naughty steps etc. He is the kind of child you can have a reasoned conversation with, explain consequences, others' point of view etc if he does something which is slightly naughty and he will understand and not do it again. The rules we have are pretty basic, mainly do as you are asked without being cheeky/stalling, eat only at the table, don't jump about on furniture, tidy up stuff you've got out. DH and I are very careful to also follow these rules and be good role models.

However, in the last few weekends, he's been much more difficult. It may just be me getting all stressy because I'm envisaging a future with a tiny baby added to the mix - please tell me if this is the case! DSS doesn't know about baby yet so it's not something that can be affecting his behaviour. He has started answering back, telling us to wait when we've asked him to do something (even if we've given him a 2 minute warning), ignoring instructions, grumbling, and what worries me most is that he's suddenly become really boisterous and literally cannot sit still for more than 30 seconds. This is not an exaggeration! He used to be super-sensitive and scared of lots of silly things but is now more confident - this is obviously good but I'm not sure about the physical manifestation! It's got so bad that he seriously injured his mum last week - she was taken to hospital in an ambulance and is now immobilised for 6 weeks. I've invented a permanent tummy-ache so that he doesn't involve me in his crazy leaping about and hurt me. Unfortunately his dad loves that kind of thing and it only ends when one of them is injured...

Anyway, my issue is that I am picking up on this and I feel that I'm constantly nagging at DSS. This is partly because the instances of jumping on furniture/not tidying up/answering back are getting more frequent but also because he's not responding to the first warning any more. I mentioned this to DH, the fact that I feel awful about constantly being on DSS's back and asked DH if he thought I was being too harsh and he said that he agreed with me every time I said something and backed me up. I told him that I felt we should share the discipline (as we always used to) and although he says he agrees with me he added that he doesn't realise that DSS is being naughty until I've highlighted it and by then it's dealt with - he feels that stepping in at that point would undermine me.

I feel that I want DH to take an equal share of the discipline, I have been in DSS's life since he was 1 and DH has always been really careful to involve me on a 50/50 basis in terms of 'parenting' while DSS is with us. The situation is either that DH is overly relying on me or that I'm more stressy/sensitive because of new baby or DSS is getting more challenging. I just can't make up my mind what's happening - help! I feel that I'm wrecking my relationship with DSS :(

Your dp is being "fun" dad and not seeing bad behaviour is he? It's almost like you already gave two children and you're the only adult.

You need to sit him down and explain that he's the parent to your dss and he needs to parent him!

I suspect, like many absent fathers, he's frightened of upsetting his son for fear he may not want to come and "visit" but if he doesn't step up to the plate, he might not lose his son but he might lose you!

Yeah, I think you're right with the "not seeing" bad behaviour bit. DH is a great dad but can sometimes be a bit up and down depending on how he's feeling, what's going on around us etc whereas I try really hard to stay consistent, no matter if I'm ill or in the middle of something else. In the past we've maybe let DSS break one of the rules (i.e. having lunch on a lap tray) when we were getting married and had wedding stuff all over the table, but every mealtime since then (it was more than a year ago!) he's reminded us of the fact he ate off his lap whilst watching TV that one time, and has been a bit of a nightmare at mealtimes. It's just not worth breaking the consistency and I think that's possibly why DSS is pushing things a bit - DH has a v stressful job during term time (he works with v badly behaved children) and is good at carrying through the structure and discipline of his working day to apply what's necessary to parent his child. But in the holidays, he literally switches off, and I think that's what we're seeing here. I do the same job as DH but not at such a high level so things are less stressy and easier for me but I'm of the belief that you just keep going, for the child's sake :(

this book might give you a bit of insight into why he has changed so much this year. I've got no helpful advice about your DH and will leave it to much more experienced posters than me! But just from a purely developmental stage, six is hard work. However a lot of what you describe, defiance, pushing the boundaries etc is normal for this stage (normal doesn't mean easy though!) and it might be reassuring to have a flick through the book to see where your DSS is at, and where he's going.