Different behaviours when step kids are around.

[theredhen]

Many of you will be unsurprised to hear I am not coping very well with having DSD(14) living with us. In some ways she is very easy partly because she is out all day (when I'm at work) and then either follows DS around or sits in her room alone. She is not really getting involved in "family" life at all. She's certainly not "hassling" me. She's not talking about her feelings or emotions to anyone at home.

DS normally loves the opportunity to play board games, but because DSD "poo poo-ed" it, DS does too now. We would normally have 1 night a fortnight when DP goes out to ourselves to watch a film at home or do other things together. We would be out in the garden most evenings, kicking a ball around or him helping with gardening for 20 mins etc. All that has gone now because DSD is following him about and making fun of him for doing all that stuff. Of course, when he is entrenched in a computer game, she goes to her room and leaves him alone. I'm finding more and more that DS is grumpy and just wants to sit on a computer.

I always used to "write off" DSC weekends with DS and let him just get on with DSC, but now we have DSD living with us, I can't "write off" spending any quality time with DS at all, or live my life hoping DSD will go out for the evening.

I find myself creeping around in the mornings, trying not to wake DSD so I can get 5 mins before work with DS alone.

I've had a few days "holiday" with DS visiting our family, and it was so nice and DS and I were "ourselves" without having to worry about everyone else. Funnily enough he didn't miss his computer games at all and interacted with everyone really well.

DP, of course, is not helping by allowing DSD to stay out all week (when I'm at work and DS is therefore home alone) and then insisting DSD stay home at weekends and evenings! I had a moan and he apologised, but I doubt anything will change.

And then there is DP behaviour. Him coming in from work and running upstairs to see DSD whilst simultaneously ignoring or semi ignoring DS. Him spending a minimum of 40 mins driving DSD around everyday (despite him telling me this wouldn't happen and if DSD wanted to live with us, she would have to get lifts / bike / or not go out everyday) whilst telling DS to take a bike or that he has to wait for me to come home from work to pick him up.

She is also, of course, getting masses of DP and I time in the form of us discussing her mental state, her Mum being in contact and us "deciding" on what contact she should have with her Mum, maternal family etc. Everyone we talk to feels sorry for her and although I do too and am worried for her state of mind, I am finding I am begruding spending so much emotional energy on her, and then of course, there's the impending court case for contact with other kids, the never ending bitterness from the ex wife, bad behaviour from other DSC and all the other stuff that goes on.

I do try and involve DSD and am treating her the same "on the surface" but obviously I am resentful that this young lady is getting sooo much attention whilst DS is getting even less of my time.

So, do you find your relaxed home life changes when DSC arrive, or is it just me being uptight or because DP is not supporting me in my need to spend quality time with DS?

Short answer? I think your DP is not supporting you. He pressured you into this change in circumstances, he made promises about how it would be managed which he is now not keeping, and he isn't really listening or responding to your concerns - which by the way are very legitimate.

I really feel for you and am pretty angry on your behalf - things were already tough and you were being asked for too much compromise before - now this new thing is just piling it on and removing your last 'refuges'.

I wouldn't be able to stick it, I know. :(

I agree with brdgrl!
He is pushing you too far.
I get less time with the boys when DSC are here but they are happy playing and enjoy DSCs company.

Do you pull her up when she sneers? Do you think she is a bit jealous of how close you and ds are?
I Don't know how you do it redhen, I really don't

I know exactly how you are feeling Redhen - it changes overnight... I used to get very stressed and resentful (and sometimes still do)... but... my DS took it all in his stride - I think I worried about how he was feeling and he wasn't stressing at all about the changes he experienced. Unfortunately it will be much harder to get the quality one - on -one time with your DS now - but that is something you may have to accept... but speak to him - it will make you feel better.. If he is anything like my DS he said "I'm fine mum - stop worrying" - also the whole sitting on computer games etc will happen whether your DSD was there or not I think... :)

Fooso, I hear what you're saying but when dsd isnt around ds is a lot less keen to sit on the computer. And certainly when we were away he was like a different young man. I do think dsd is a bit jealous but apart from giving her even more of my time, how do I fix that and is it my place to fix it anyway?

Also ds says he is fine and says he doesn't get stressed by it all like I do!

However, he says that but behaves differently when dsc are around ( and when dp is around) to how he is one to one or with other people.

I have battled with this .... I regularly question whether I did the right thing by effectively giving my DS a new family. For your own happiness I think you should do your best to try and find things you could do with both the kids maybe? She may sneer to start with - but do you think deep down she would like that...?

Oh yes dp is up for doing things during the week now whereas we always had to wait for weekends when his kids were here. Now we have one of his children here full time, it's ok to go out during the week and do "family" things.

I am really trying but am so full of resentment.

Redhen.
Your DP is so unreasonable.
I hate that my DP won't do much with just my DC and takes a step back from family stuff, but when his DC are around he is Mr Family Man!

Grrr

What's sad is that he actually is "trying to do the right thing" and thinks he's trying to be one big nice family and make everyone feel included, then simultaneously doesn't bother to tell me dsd whereabouts on a day to day basis - have posted about this in teenagers. Its like the pocket money thing where he wants me to increase ds pocket money four fold so dsd gets what he decides she "needs". He thinks by not just giving her the money and "discussing" it with me, that it makes it better. When actually it just shows that we are bottom of the heap and always the ones to compromise.

Redhen and kaluki- The issue of dh switching to 'family mode' as soon as one or more of his dc's are on scene (despite mine having been around earlier) causes so much resentment for me. He will pull all the stops out to try & please them, in contrast he has no problem whatsoever saying 'no' to my dcs. This is eating away at my marriage. My heart sinks when I hear him come home, ignoring my ds to spend time with his ds. Dss has no respect whatsoever for dh, only bothering when he wants money- whereas my ds adores dh but has to settle for the crumbs of attention he is thrown. I strggle so much with this, but when I try and discuss it with dh he says I am imagining it. How do you get over your feelings of resentment?

With difficulty!

My DC have gone away now for the weekend and DSC are still here and my instinct is to treat them with the same indifference he treats my kids. I know that is lowering myself but I find it hard to do the family thing with his kids when he won't do the same with mine

I am enjoying having a 7 wk break from ss who lives here full time as he is with his mother who lives far away. My own kids are away with heir dad so it's just me, dh and the dog. This is mentally more of a break than any holiday could be, as there is no resentment festering over his preferential treatment of this kids, and it has made me realise just how much of my emotional energy is wasted. Kaluki i lower myself all the time (petty though it sounds) to highlight to him how it feels.

7 weeks - lucky you!