Hit a wall...can't stand to be in the same room as DSD

[PipIsOutNow]

Ok bit of a long one so bear with me.

Dsd is 8 yo I've been with her dad for 6 and a half years so she was still in nappies when we met. Her mother has always been cometely useless, dsd has always lived with us. Her mother will go months and months with no contact and see her a handful of times a year. She pays no maintenance for her and to be quite honest she has been nothing but a pain in the arse for the 6 years I've been with dp. (but that's another story!)

Since the moment dp and I got together I have taken on the mother role. Dsd and I were always really close, her dad works nights so I would always be the sole cater of her. This was never a problem and I always treated her and felt as if she was my own. I had my own ds 2 years ago and things didn't change at all. I still felt the same and carried on as we always had.

BUT!!! The past few months I've got to the stage where I can't stand the sight of her. She's become nasty and spiteful to ds, no one disciplines her apart from me and nobody expects that by the age of 8 she should be expected to cut up her own food, dress herself, brush her hair - stupid things but basic in my opinion. Everyone in dp's family have way over compensated for the fact that her mother has never been in the picture and turned her into a useless, pampered brat!!! I can't stand it!!! She doesn't even have a bed time when dp is here. Stays up with us on the weekends which drives me insane. Dp has reluctantly started sending her to bed when I tell him but he needs to do it of his own accord I think. She doesn't get pocket money either, just has what she wants when she wants it!!! I've had enough!!! Dp and I have got very different ideas of parenting and what I don't want is for ds to be brought up my way when dsd gets away with murder!

I'm now pregnant again (14 weeks) and I don't know if the hormones are making everything worse but I just can't stand the kid. She acts like a complete angel infront of her father but as soon as he's in work she's a spiteful, selfish, useless brat! Dp and I are constantly arguing over it. I don't want her anywhere near me or ds!

What do I do? Do u think that il feel differently after the pregnancy? I really can't see a way out at the mo.

Thank u for reading...

Wow - from the title I thought this post would be about a teenager!

She is only 8. You've said some really harsh things here. Your problem is not her, it's your DP's lack of discipline and if she wasn't your oldest DC you'd realise that. I think you need to repost this in parenting, as this child is effectively your own.

I agree with wellwisher. Your problem is with your DP, his lack of discipline and your conflicting parenting styles.

Wow, found your post rather shocking in the way that you talk about her.

However, you need to have a very frank discussion about parenting this very little girl, as things will only get worse when the new baby arrives.

Have you only felt like this since you`ve been pregnant?

Sorry, see that you already have a ds.

Thanks for your reply. I understand that some of the things I've said are harsh but I can't help the way I feel. I may have brought her up but she is not my child and never will be. I'm trying to be honest about my feelings as I really don't know what to do. I can't speak to anyone in RL about this. I've been on at dp for years to discipline her and nothing ever changes.

The child has had a stable caring home with, effectively, two parents. So she hasn't been deprived through her mother being absent, though emtionally it may create issues in some way.

She is behaving exactly how any child would who is getting mixed messages about what is or isn't acceptable. ultra-leniency when dad is around and stricter when mum is around, combined with cosseting from her dad's family.

It would be a miracle if she didn't play up for you, the stricter parent!

The adults in the scenario are the problem and some frank discussions need to be had asap if this isn't going to impact massively on you, especially with another child on the way when your resources will be divided still further and you feel even less supported.

You and DP need to form a united team and agree how to parent, then approach his family together and see if they can't see how they are not helping.

She sounds like she is basically a good kid and if the adults can sort themselves out will probably stop playing them off against each other - which is what is happening. :(

To get to this stage where you feel this way things must have been difficult for some time I presume? But, I am slightly confused, if you have been in this girls life for six years are you not effectively her mother (day to day)? How does it work with discipline with your DS, have you been bringing him up and then your DP has been the only one discipling your DSD? because that just wouldnt work.

Sorry, not grilling but dont want to give advice when I dont really understand the dynamics of your relationship.

Thank u Jenner!!! U hit the nail on the head. She has always and is still very well cared for. She doesn't know the way I feel although she does know that I have different standards and expectations from her father.

Her father and I just don't agree at all on parenting styles which is why I'm getting more and more frustrated. I really don't know what else to do or say to him to get him realise how difficult the situation is. I don't want her to feel left out or treated differently, I never have. The danger I have now is that my own dc will feel as if they are treated differently. Bringing up step children is far harder than bringing up your own child!

Boohoo - I have been bringing up both of them and am the only parent who disciplines both of them. Dp is very good at being everyone's best friend but when it comes to parenting he just doesn't have a clue. He's 12 years older than me as well. I'm not saying I'm the perfect parent as I have found parenting one of the toughest challenges ever but I just expect simple things like manners, bed time, value of money, sharing etc to be instilled in our children for their own benefit as well as ours.

Pip, I know, it is more difficult to bring up SC, sometimes a thankless task! But, surely your DP treats both DC the same or is he giving her more leeway than your DS? Is that because shes older or because he feels he owes her something?

I think the only way that blended parenting works is if you are both together, he needs to really understand this and it does sound as though you are doing more day to day parenting than he does, so he needs to take your lead on things.

Major sit down with him I think! Is there anyone who could help back you up ie grandparents etc?

Sorry x posts. Tell him!!!! You sound like your fine and doing a great job, hes the one that needs to listen, for DSDs sake (and ultimately his!). It does sound more like a parenting problem than a step parenting problem, if he just wants to be good cop to the children.

You have to agree on styles! Without this you are lost!

If the opposing parenting style situation continues the dsd will see that parenting decisions are not only questionable but debatable. This totally undermines any authority you may have.

Authority is not the same as power. Power is the ability to make someone do as you say through (whatever) means at your disposal. Authority is the ability to command someones willingness to do as you say, which is usually the product of respect for you and your legitimate claim to have the authority to give instructions (etc) and recognition of the fairness of it.

Without authority you may as well piss in the wind, and this can only get worse as she gets older and her peers and wider world awareness etc exert greater and greater influence.

Which style of parenting holds sway is arguably less important than the fact that both parents are jointly behind it and each other

That said, the style has to be one which both parents can believe in and thus uphold, so some frank and heartfelt discussion needs to happen sharpish.

First both of you need to recognise that divided parents are a problem, and even if your DP currently feels it is fine because it is you who is feeling the brunt of this, he needs to consider the bigger picture - that if you are both experiencing different sides to the dsd that in itself is a problem. Though your dp is less directly affected he needs to recognise that a harmonious household is important and if the mum in it is not happy, then no-one is in reality. Three children will be depending on this.

You and DP need to talk, and see that there is a problem, that there is only one way forward and that is shoulder to shoulder, and then you can negotiate ground rules you can both believe in, and start to get some consistent messages going to the dsd which should improve things no end.

Boohoo he treats her differently because he feels as if he should because of the situation with her biological mother. But everyone acting as if the world owes her a favour is making the situation impossible.

I do everything for her. He works nights all week and is in bed in the days so I am her sole carer so kind of feel as if I should at least have his support on parenting both of them but especially dsd!!

Grandparents are even worse than dp. They treat her as if she's had such a rubbish life and that she should be spoilt all the time to make up for it.

I think that I'm starting to resent her because I don't get any support from anyone when I really need it. Do u think this is the problem?

Wow thank u for a fantastic post Jenner!!! Think il show this to dp! He wanders around without a care in the world. Im sick of being the bad guy but if I don't discipline her no one will. I will definitely speak to him (again) and explain to him that nothing will get better until he starts acting like a parent instead of a best friend. I'm not expecting him to have the kids marching like the von trapps and I'm really not that strict but like u said, whatever authority I try to have is meaningless unless he is by my side.

I have said to him in the past that even if he disagrees with something I've said to at lest back me up in front of dsd and tell me that he disagrees when she's not listening. He constantly undermines me and defends her which is infuriating and I know will only get worse when she's a teenager.

Thank u so much for the advice. I have a lot to ponder over before I speak to him later.

Not surprised you are feeling resentment, but she is the wrong target for it. Your DP first and the GP's second are the real culprits.

Look at all those stories of people dealt a bad hand in life and succeeded precisely because those around them, made them feel that their bad hand was not the guiding light for all their future and that they could take control and turn it around. If all their attention for her is informed by their pity for her situation they are selling her short and should be helping her to see the blessings she has which are many and expecting her to come good, not need continuous overt sympathy.

Her boundaries need to be the same no matter which parent is in the room. It is very unsettling even as an adult if goalposts keep moving.

So for a child whose parents are at odds with one another and what is or isn't ok depends on which pair of eyes witnesses your actions must be rather unnerving and hardly conducive to being respectful.

Hope you can get your DP to see some changes are needed. Change is not easy and requires effort so many people resist it, but if he can see the value he should be able to do it.

You both love her and your other two children so it shouldn't be impossible to want to do what is best for the whole family not just the path of least resistance for him.

I hear you Pip, think you have it really difficult, and yes of course you will resent her if your DP and his GP dont get on board with you.

At the end of the day, to all intents and purposes you are that little girls mother, you are the one who cares, feeds, listens and talks to on a daily basis. Jeez, it sounds rather than having a rubbish life she is incrediably lucky and her life started when you came along. Am feeling rather angry for you, DP and the GPs need to stop singling her out for treats and start treating her exactly the same as your other DC for her sake!, yes, I would be resentful too!

If your DP does not listen, I would direct him to this thread, so that he can have a bit of food for thought

Really hope it all works out for you.

Thank u so much for such fantastic advice and words of wisdom. Feeling lots better and as if there can actually be a resolution!

Really glad you feel better and think it has been useful. :)

I didn't find your post shocking, honesty is important and if you can't get things off your chest you'll explode!

I had the same issues with DF and Dsd (8) for a while I resented her, just her presence made me annoyed then I realised its my other half I resent for being the Disney one for not disciplining her at times when it was needed.

Dsd is a child and it's not her fault she behaves the way she does so I sat down with my OH and we together discussed what we though was appropriate and on the issues we didn't agree on we worked out a middle ground.

My issue is I never wanted children but fell in love with a man who already had one, it was easy at first until she turned 7, but I'm marrying this man I love and in promising to love him I also promise to love dsd. One day she will have her own life and while it's not easy I have to remember this is my choice to be with him and so I now take each day as it comes and try to relax. It sounds like you're doing a fab job I think the only way is to communicate with your OH as often as you can.

You're being harsh on yourself and expecting to always like her as otherwise people would be horrified. The step thing is irrelevant; you would feel the same if you were the birth mother. As others say you and your dh need to have united front in order to move forward.

OP, I wonder if you shouldn't tell your DP that she IS in fact your daughter, or as good as. And AS her mum, this is what she needs.

Because her bio mum is gone, but she has a mum, you. And a good one at that, from what I am reading. I am also a Step mum, my DSD primarily lives with her mum, but I seem to be the one who wants to be organized. DP is wonderful but feels bad that DSD doesn't get to see him everyday, so he's a little lenient.

We have discussed this and are ow on the same page as far as parenting, and it has helped a lot!

But if you keep letting DP and the family treat her like she's a poor thing with no mum, it's not going to get better. Tell them she IS your daughter, and you're her Mum and this is how parenting will be. (with input from DP, of course!)

I suspect your DSD will appreciate it too, having someone stand up for her will make a difference!