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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Number of visits per month?

16 replies

ozstepmum · 07/03/2006 14:06

Hi All.. this is my first post on mumsnet and already I'm so glad I've found this site. I've read a lot of messages and it's such a relief to see that I am not the only one who feels this way. My situation is this: I have a 6yo sd who lives up north with her bm. My dh spends every 2-3 weekends with his daughter - leaving fri arvo and staying the weekend at his parents' place with her. This has been the routine since sd was born (his was not a love r'ship with his ex, just a 1-night stand). My dh and I have only been together 8 months and just married 2 weeks. We of course, want to spend as much time together but don't want things to change too much for sd. However, I don't want dh spending every 2nd weekend away. Is this unreasonable? I don't have any real r'ship with my sd (only seen her twice) and at first she seemed ok & excited that her dad was marrying but he recently received a letter from her saying that he doesn't love her because he loves me. We think someone has said something to her and she's feeling insecure. Should I try to spend more time with her (i.e. go up north with him) or leave their routines as they have been so she can have her dad to herself? Sorry for all the questions!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FrayedKnot · 07/03/2006 14:17

I would definitely plan to go up with him and spend time getting to know her, and vice versa, if you can.

However I think you have to pace it a little bit so you don;t overwhelm her. Perhaps teh first time you could plan a really nice activity that she would enjoy, on the Saturday, e.g. visit to the zoo, where you all go together, then allow her & your DH to do something else alone on the Sunday? Would that work?

Perhaps you could consider going up once a month, so DH goes once on his own, and once with you?

Step parenting can be difficult at times, but you have the opportunity to develop a lovely relationship with this little girl, if you want to.

HTH, Good Luck.

NotActuallyAMum · 07/03/2006 14:28

Welcome to Mumsnet ozstepmum

I too think it would be a good idea for you to try to get to know your dsd. Can totally understand why you don't want your DH spending every other weekend away but IMO there's no reason why this has to happen. It does sound like someone has said something to her though - welcome to the world of stepmums

What does your DH think?

Bozza · 07/03/2006 14:31

How far away is it?

Original poster

ozstepmum · 07/03/2006 14:42

Thanks for your messages. It's about a 4-5 drive; my DH has a half day Friday so he can go up. Frayedknot, I think your suggestion about the zoo is a good one. The trouble is that there have always been so many people around (and I felt like I've been judged). The first time we meet was at my m-in-law's 60th birthday party weekend and the next was for NYE. Perhaps it would be easier in our own home - I'm sure I'd feel more comfortable. I also think my DH also needs to adapt. The couple of times that we've all been together he has been so strained - desperately trying to make sure both of us are ok. I don't know what advice to give him tho..

OP posts:

Bozza · 07/03/2006 14:45

Could DD come to you in the hols sometimes?

NotActuallyAMum · 07/03/2006 14:48

Think you definitely need to this with just the 3 of you. I've been with my DP for 21 months and I still feel "judged" when there are other people around - whether it's his friends/family or mine

Agree with Bozza - could you have her to stay at your house during the holidays?

Original poster

ozstepmum · 07/03/2006 15:12

We're hoping to have her stay for a week during the august hols. My DH will take her camping a couple of nights just the two of them and then I can join them for some activities.
My DH and I have discussed having our own children in a couple of years so I'd really like to have an established pattern whereby everyone is pretty comfortable.

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 07/03/2006 15:19

Are you happy for them to go camping without you?

FrayedKnot · 07/03/2006 15:22

I think the first few times it may be easier for her on her "own territory", so I would stick with visiting her for a few weeks.

Has she ever visited your current home?

If not, and she is able to come down to visit on a regular basis, then perhaps you could think about asking her if she'd like to choose some special things for her room (assuming she will have a room of her own at your house) - my DH was always very insistent that dss & dsd had their own rooms, with decor & things that they had chosen, at our house. It did seem quite important to them, esp. dsd.

Original poster

ozstepmum · 07/03/2006 15:29

I'm fine with the camping thing. To be honest, part of the problem is that I don't find younger children in general very interesting and wouldn't spend a lot of time with any by choice! I know that's horrible.
She's never been to our home and I would think that she's unlikely to visit more than once a year because we do live so far away. We only have the one other room and it's also a study so we couldn't really turn it into her room but taking her shopping to buy something for it is a good idea.

OP posts:

Bozza · 07/03/2006 15:35

I would have thought that visiting you once a year is not very much. I realise that it's a bit much for just a weekend but would have thought she could come 3-4 times a year in the holidays.

Original poster

ozstepmum · 07/03/2006 15:38

The agreement my DH has with the BM is that he has her for a week in August and alternating NYE or Xmas. Apart from that it's only every second or third weekend (and that's been determined by my DH's study needs).

OP posts:

mistressmiggins · 08/03/2006 21:58

I would just like to say that my DS is nrly 4 and I can state absolutely that I have NEVER said that if daddy gets a new gf he wont love him anymore BUT DS has told me he thinks this

so your DS may be just scared and not necessarily been "talked" to

I agree - go & visit & show her that she has GAINED by her dad remarrying

FruitAndNutcase · 16/03/2006 12:54

I wish all BM's were like you MistressMiggins. Our BM regularly tells SD and SS that "daddy has too much love for me and not enough for his kids" It is so upsetting, especially when you go to pick SD (7) up from school and she is crying saying she doesnt want to go with us because "mummy says that daddy doesnt love her anymore". It makes me so angry! When confronted with it, BM doesnt deny it, infact she openly admits it!

mistressmiggins · 16/03/2006 20:41

Im no saint BUT I want to be able to stand up in 20 yrs time and say "I did the best for my children"

my Husband has hurt me so much I feel like Im dying BUT I have to rise above that and help my children - its not their fault (its not mine but thats my counsellor talking )

All I was trying to say is that children are perceptive & dont understand so sometimes they are scared and not necessarily some evil BM "putting" ideas in kids heads

incidnelty my DS told daddy on the phone 2 days ago that "Ive had a word with mummy and shes sorry she shouted at you"
I havent/didnt shout - but clearly my poor DS cant work out why daddy left and so thinks it must be cos I sometimes shout....how tempting it is to say "daddy left to shag someone else"...but I dont & never will....

FruitAndNutcase · 20/03/2006 17:19

MistressMiggins, I dont think you have anything to worry about as you sound like a wonderful mum, in fact I really dont know if I could have got through what you have been through. To be honest, in a way I could understand our BM acting the bitch like she does if my DP had done to her what your DH did to you. However, they were seperated for 4 years before we met and so I cannot understand why she poisons the kids against me/us so much. Whatever happens the kids are alway the innocent parties so why do some BMs insist on using them as missiles and bargaining tools?

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