feelings towards DSC-Help!

[veryhotdog]

I need to talk about my current feelings in a safe environment as I know it could come across badly to those who may not understand. There is no one in my family I would feel comfortable discussing this with and certainly not DH. DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5, and I am SP to his DS and DD from his first marriage. We have a young DD together. Over the years we have had a relatively smooth ride. I have had a great relationship with the DSC, not too many issues with DH's ex in the grand scheme of things.

Contact has been on a regular court order, no issues there either really and after such a long time it had become second nature. I had got to a place where I was comfortable that I loved the DSC in a unique way- not as a mum or dad, just as 'me'.

However.

I have been struggling in the last year or so. I feel claustrophobic and uneasy about the DSC and I don't know why! I find myself increasingly dreading their arrival and the relief when they leave is becoming more prominent. I crave time with my DH and DD because I feel relaxed and things are 'easy'. When DSC are with us everything feels more strained. I can't fathom why though. Nothing major has changed, except them getting older and DD coming along. It is not their problem, but mine. I stupidly thought that having my own child would only enhance my 'good' relationship with DSC. It seems to have done the opposite.

I am not sure if the DSC age is relevant- I am finding some of the (normal) teenage traits deeply irritating- more than I should. e.g the self-centredness and lack of excitement over anything. for instance, a suggestion of a trip to a theme park was met with "oh ok" no excitement.

The last outing we went on was spoiled by the DSC literally being obsessed with food the whole day. Huge breakfast, but then asking on and off all day where the next snack/meal was coming from (they are not starved!) Maybe that's normal for a teen,I don't know? But it makes me crave the easy, relaxed company of DP and DD alone. This is just an example.

I know I sound awful, but please be assured, I love them and hug them and put every effort into being the same as normal, but I don't understand what is happening- why are these feelings happening now, after such a long time? Any thoughts of how I can reconcile with this?

Sorry it's long.

Amberleaf, I find myself regularly thinking "why the F do I bother" during contact weekends. "joyless" is just the right description. Things that should be fun and light hearted are often dragged down.

DH would back me up re. bedtimes. My main issue is that although he backs me up and agrees with me and vice versa with regards to all 3 of the dc, it is me that enforces things. E.g Computer time- when dsc have had their go it is always me that actually tells them to come off now. Plenty of examples like that. So I am on danger of being the nagging one. I think DH will have to step in and reiterate bedtimes too.

As they get older teenagers you can't really have bedtimes- just ask them to switch lights off.

I agree. The hard bit is that they're with you, not as they would be at mum's (as a base to come and go and be with friends) but its just all of you, together....for the entire weekend. That's difficult.

Are there no buses? Could you not do an arrangement with their friend's parents? Taking it in turn to ferry around a bit?

Our skids used to stay up beyond adult bed time. Dh and I would leave them to it. You can't send them to their room, cause you want some child free adult time. When I married and moved in with dh, I sold my home. I went from having a house with 3 reception rooms to a new build, with a smallish lounge and a dining room. We were all "in" together and if I wanted a bit of peace.....I had to go to MY room.

They're adults now, who visit. So, that aspect has changed. But it was hard.

It annoys me when people on here say "well, you knew you were marrying a man with kids". Not to ME, just saying it generally. Actually, IT'S VERY HARD TRYING TO GET ON WITH THE STEPS..... IF THEY JUST OBJECT TO YOU. Would that have been a reason to quit, not be with their dad? It wasn't the kid's fault their mum had an affair and broke up their family. But equally, it wasn't mine either!

Be gentle with yourself OP. you're doing the very best you can, under difficult circumstances.

I struggle with bedtimes - my DCs are always in bed by 9 (oldest is 12) whereas teenage DSC would previously have sat up until adult bedtime.

Did reach a compromise when I moved in of teenage bedtime at 10pm, unless they're watching a film or something. I tend to try and switch the news on at 10 which kind of breaks off their routine (of slobbing in front of telly) and they usually drift off after a short while. Not sure how much longer we'll be able to enforce this - oldest is just turned 15 so I'm hoping another year or so. I hope so as I really need a short while with DP at the end of the day when they're all in bed - just to feel that we are the adults of the home.

But it's not fair or right that you should be the one nagging them - nag your DP instead and get him to enforce some rules with them.

The responses on here are lovely though. I think sometimes it's really hard for a woman believe that how she feels is normal. And the worst thing is that we all have these emotions running around our heads and hearts and we feel absolutely awful for them. Then, there are those other people who run around saying things like "you knew he had a family" or "you should love DSCs as much as your own children" and that just makes it all worse.

The responses from ladies on here has been very much that it's normal to feel how you feel. It's a massive step to realise that you're not batty and that you can't just "get over it". As someone said, "you knew he had children before you married him" - fair enough but if those kids change as they get older and your relationship breaks, who is worse off then?

There is no way that anyone can say that you're not normal because I think the feelings you have to live with would be enough to break the whole relationship (and you!) if you started to feel like someone suggest - that tightening, nauseas, dread. Who wants to feel like that?! And then feel GUILTY for feeling like that?!

Be kind to yourself. If your DH is someone you can talk to about, I would chat to him. If you're prepared to go see a therapist, go chat to someone professional and see if they have any suggestion for how you can deal with it. But the bottom line seems to very much be that what you feel is NORMAL. And no amount of guilt is going to change that. Accept it as normal and see if there is a way that you can work around it. But here, you need to do these things for yourself. If you are doing them for anyone else, I fear you lose the end result and you land up doing a full circle.

Good luck. You're completely normal :)

It is completely normal with your own DCs-it is difficult when you don't get time on your own because they don't get to bed. The difference is that at home they go out or have friends around and you do get the time. You don't have to wonder what to do-you are just here in the background and not chief entertainer. Have you looked into things that could help them integrate into the village? (not easy I know)

I found the loss of my evenings really hard with my own kids so am obviously not finding it any easier with the steps.

DH lets them stay up later than I would and then they take ages to actually go to bed once bedtime actually arrives. I really try to mentally "write off" the evenings they are here (half the week) so that I don't mind but it's more than difficult!

I mostly feel like I have a non-speaking bit-part in this family and it's pretty isolating. When dsd's are here DH is just totally focused on them and I am invisible.

Thanks all.

We don't have dsc every single weekend, weekend time is split equally with their mum. When they are with us, they do occasionally see friends, but this will normally be a prearranged party or something. We've got no problems at all with them seeing friends more regularly and have actively tried to make it happen over the years. But I think they feel awkward about it. Their mum is very much part of their social circle, by that I mean that she is friends with parents of their friends and organising things is easy. I've tried very hard to encourage them to meet up with or bring friends here but they seem very unimpressed by the idea.

We are not even in a village, it's pretty remote. But obviously would drive them to meet friends or catch a bus. I also have a feeling that they might be embarrassed. I know it is a teenage past time to be embarrassed of their parents but this might be a bit different. This will sound like sour grapes but it's not- just to describe the situation really. We live in a very small house. It's what we could afford at the time and still can't afford to move at the moment. Just enough room to squeeze everyone in bedroom wise, but downstairs is tiny. It's tidy and clean but needs updating.
With their mum, they have a lovely spacious house, which is also geared up for teens- a games room, tv room etc. perfect for having your mates round. If I were them, I would probably prefer to wait for weekends I was with my mum before i invited my mates round!

We have given them presents over the years for Xmas and birthday Whiich have been geared towards entertaining themselves, e.g a NetBook, DVDs they've wanted, a kindle etc. understandably they've wanted to take these back to their mums as well which we have been happy with as we thought that they would feel more at ease if they could. But despite us reminding them often that unless they bring these type of things with them, they won't have them, they rarely do.

We do have lovely times too, I don't want to give the impression that I am totally miserable, just that i guess our individual circumstance doesn't lend itself to the teen life and probably both they and I find it frustrating.

The time we spend together with dsc is contrived. We are in a funny stage where we are still following a contact order set down years ago. What is the next stage? Can someone with older teens enlighten me?

I don?t want to depress you, but like some other posters, the contact order still reigns supreme well into the teenager years. DSS is 18 next month, and its only in the last six weeks have I managed to persuade DH that it really needs to change ? and I?m wary that the rota may be re-introduced once DSS goes back to college in September, simpl;y becase we can no longer use ?holidays? an excuse.

Like you, we live out in the country, with no real bus routes, so DSS has to be ferried backwards and forwards to our house, for his protracted ?residentials.? He doesn?t have friends or any social life, so when he?s with us, it?s intensive ?Daddy time? and nothing that vaguely resembles real life. By now, I too would have expected DSS to be fairly independent, popping in and out to see his Dad when he?s not doing other stuff. But in the absence of this elusive ?other stuff? he insists on having a set amount of hours with his Dad each week. The public transport situation (or lack of) doesn?t help. A variation to contact hours can usually only be requested if we?re literally out of the country. I?ve often arranged for us to go abroad (ie the Jubilee weekend) if I realise it falls on an access weekend, simply because the contact weekend is automatically extended to include any Bank Holidays, and the thought of watching Man-child clinging to his Daddy from Thursday 4pm til the end of the Tuesday 5 June bank holiday, and then coming back again on Wednesday for his midweek night, was too much to bear, so we left the country.

Sadly the access rota has almost indoctrinated DSS to believe that the schedule should be followed to the letter, like night follows day and we have bizarre situations (such as DSS having to be transported by taxi to/from our empty house if we?re out on an access evening) simply to achieve rota compliance.

On access weekends he has to come everywhere with us, even down to supermarket shopping, as DH (with the very best intentions) likes us to do things together, even though I protest that ?together? families don?t operate like The Waltons. We have to try and source parent/child activities, DH always hopes we can find an activity that suits everyone, but it?s hard to find something parent/child friendly when the child in question is nearly 18 (and over 6ft, which makes it seem even more weird).

I?m not alone in my situation, access rotas breed kids that can?t think for themselves. Add manipulative exes (who like the rota because they know its stupid and is bound to cause problems for DH) and Disney Dads, and you can (sort of ) see how it worked out like this.

I do understand your feelings. l have had terrible problems in the past with my now adult SS. Things got so bad he ended up sending me abusive threatening texts at the drop of a hat 'dont go in my fucking room today , ok !' was one example and speaking to me like dirt in my own home and refusing to accept any authority from me in my own home. Things came to a head when l came in one day to find he had set up a secure home network (or whatever it is - not a techie sorry) entitled 'Touchthisandurfuckingdead' and l couldnt get internet access on my laptop as he had somehow blocked me out. He blinded his DF with technology and said it was only while he downloaded something and it weakened the signal when we were both on it ( arent I terrible me using internet which l pay for in my own home! ) and it was only a joke blah blah.

Teenagers are just so difficult to cope with (he was older but still in that 'stage') at the best of times as Amberleaf and othershave stated . With the best will in the world, if they are someone elses children, no matter how fond of them you are, this behaviour seems doubly intrusive/unacceptable. I dont think you ever feel that total unconditional love to see you through the tough times that you get with your own, unless you meet them at a very young age maybe.

I wish l had your sense to post on here as 'somewhere safe.' l currently have a thread going on AIBU about my 'Entitled Stepson(yes l know l know shouldve known better) where l am being called 'hideous' 'disgraceful' 'disgusting' etc etc for daring to express that l resent my above mentioned SS using his 'cant say no' dad the way he does and our home. l even dared mention it was my home before it was DHs. Yes the Stepmother bashers are out in force on that one. You really cant win, but ignore, you sound as if you are doing a wonderful job - you are just being honest. Just stay away from AIBU .

I think that contact orders are at fault-it really isn't sensible to have the same one for ever-they need to change with the needs of the DC.