feelings towards DSC-Help!

[veryhotdog]

I need to talk about my current feelings in a safe environment as I know it could come across badly to those who may not understand. There is no one in my family I would feel comfortable discussing this with and certainly not DH. DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5, and I am SP to his DS and DD from his first marriage. We have a young DD together. Over the years we have had a relatively smooth ride. I have had a great relationship with the DSC, not too many issues with DH's ex in the grand scheme of things.

Contact has been on a regular court order, no issues there either really and after such a long time it had become second nature. I had got to a place where I was comfortable that I loved the DSC in a unique way- not as a mum or dad, just as 'me'.

However.

I have been struggling in the last year or so. I feel claustrophobic and uneasy about the DSC and I don't know why! I find myself increasingly dreading their arrival and the relief when they leave is becoming more prominent. I crave time with my DH and DD because I feel relaxed and things are 'easy'. When DSC are with us everything feels more strained. I can't fathom why though. Nothing major has changed, except them getting older and DD coming along. It is not their problem, but mine. I stupidly thought that having my own child would only enhance my 'good' relationship with DSC. It seems to have done the opposite.

I am not sure if the DSC age is relevant- I am finding some of the (normal) teenage traits deeply irritating- more than I should. e.g the self-centredness and lack of excitement over anything. for instance, a suggestion of a trip to a theme park was met with "oh ok" no excitement.

The last outing we went on was spoiled by the DSC literally being obsessed with food the whole day. Huge breakfast, but then asking on and off all day where the next snack/meal was coming from (they are not starved!) Maybe that's normal for a teen,I don't know? But it makes me crave the easy, relaxed company of DP and DD alone. This is just an example.

I know I sound awful, but please be assured, I love them and hug them and put every effort into being the same as normal, but I don't understand what is happening- why are these feelings happening now, after such a long time? Any thoughts of how I can reconcile with this?

Sorry it's long.

I haven't any experience of a change in feelings for no particular reason as in my situation there have been changes that have brought it on. But I do understand what you mean about teenagers being irritating and how it's just easier without them around. It doesn't make you feel very good about yourself does it?

No, I feel awful about myself.

It has helped writing all this down and it has made me think. I am wondering if it is a culmination of years and years of stuff. As I said, we have had a smooth ride in comparison to some families but it is hard to spend years and years feeling that there is always someone else involved in DP's parenting- there has always had to be consideration for the DSC mum. We've not had a bad relationship with her, just that we've never felt free to do as we please with the children. She has disapproved of things we felt were ok, organised things for the children in our time etc etc. Low level stuff but wearing nonetheless.

I think it became the norm for us. And it has been a revelation to have a child that we and only we can make decisions for. Refreshing, and it just feels free and easy.

Still, none of that is the fault of DSC.

Just wish I could snap out of it.

and sorry, it is DH not DP although not really relevant here. We have been together a long time and if I had felt like this all those years ago, i doubt we'd still be together let alone got married.

Just frustrated and sad that I feel like this about children that I also do love. But how can I love them and wish that they weren't coming at the weekend all at the same time?

So confusing.

I'm heading out for the afternoon so a quick iPhone reply. I can feel how sad and torn you are over it all. I am often sad to think that I'll never truly have that "alpha mum" woman-if-the-house thing because there's always been another woman to consider. I would dearly love to have a big family where dh and I are at the head of it, making all the decisions for the good of the family. But it will never happen for us

I guess after a while you just come to terms with it (hopes)

I think that it is just that you get these things before you are ready for them- your own DC will be equally irritating at that age, you just have time to grow into it. At least you realise it is your problem - you just have to carry on regardless. They are phases and they pass.

Just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean WRT to consideration for DSC mum. Ours has not been a great relationship, her way or now way, which I do understand as mum, but both DP and I can't do anything without that at the back of our minds and long for decisions to be our own, mistakes and all, if that makes sense?
I don't have DC of my own, but I do teach teenagers, and if it helps, their lack of enthusiasm for things you've spent time on can be soul-destroying can't it? Don't take it to heart, although I understand, it's easier said than done (and they are also similar to human bins too).

Veryhotdog - I feel the same about my stepchildren, although unlike you we have yet to experience the 'smooth ride' stage you speak of!!!
I think it is a combination of the fact that we will accept annoying behaviour in our own dc because we have that unconditional bond with them and can discipline them how we please which is not the case with the steps.
Also like you say, there is another influence in their lives that we have no control over and their Mum calls the shots on things you would normally decide for your own dc.

I don't know what advice to give (if that is what you are after) because I feel the same way (worse actually) about mine. I am trying my hardest to love these spoilt naughty children who in normal circumstances I would avoid like the plague.

Keep posting - it does help to know you aren't the only one who feels like this.

Veryhotdog,
Almost identical here.
DSC are 18 and 16 and we have four young children too, 18 your old now lovely but two years ago was absolutely hellish. 16 year old is right in the thick of it, and they arrive next week for a fortnight.
I've been their SM for nearly 10 years, the ex is a pain in the arse, but that's another story (even seeing it from the mothers point of view I find her incredibly selfish in putting herself before her children), but now we need them to be the role models that are kids think they are. The 16 year old is going to be difficult this month, as he's smoking, swearing constantly, pushing all boundaries, just asked if his girlfriend can come and stay too for the fortnight etc etc.
So my point is, I have that feeling of dread just as you describe, and the guilt for dreading them coming is horrible isn't it? If the eldest is anything to go by, then it will suddenly get better in about a years time. BUT, then a new issue arises... You lose the selfishness of teenagers and it's replaced with outrageous cockiness! At 18 I guess you're meant to believe you can change the world and be better than anyone else, but goodnes it's trying!
Being a stepmother is politically tricky isn't it. I love and adore my SC but, and I never thought I'd write this, my DC are absolutely my priority. Guilt, guilt, guilt...
Good luck...

Thanks all.

exotic fruits- i do think there is an element of this, yes and the growing into each stage makes sense.

eletal- glad it's not just these teens!! Would like to look into the future to see how we will handle DD's teenge years! At the moment I am trying to avoid situations that I know will emphasise my feelings but I need to sort myself out. yes, it feels as though every decision is somehow connected to their mum, just little things but it all adds up. last time we had them overnight they were dropped off with a request that they went to bed early as they were doing something with her the next day . There was no problem with her mentioning this, nor us accommodating it on this occasion, but it is just an interference, however well-meaning, into our time.

Mummyinggnome and Kaluki

It helps to know others feel a similar way, and yes it is so guilt-inducing! I hope my feelings pass. It sounds like you have some challenging behaviour to deal with- dsc are OK most of the time which makes me feel worse about my growing feelings.

Does anyone else avoid doing things with the dsc because of their feelings?
of course we do things with them, but I mean avoiding certain things. One example, there was a place i wanted to take DD to- i knew she'd enjoy it. In the end i waited and took her when the dsc were not with this as I couldn't face a day of them being underwhelmed with everything, and with everything focussed on what we were eating. I wanted to enjoy DD enjoying herself.

Exactly, just having them around and a bit of play fun with a ball etc every day works, but outings etc that cost money and our basically ruined because if 'attitude' are just better off postponed for 6 months / a year, until his phase passes.
Whilst I loathe the teenage ability to stay in bed all day and awake all night, it does make life easier each morning! But, if I was their mother they wouldn't get away with that!

I think maybe you're guilt-tripping yourself unnecessarily. If there's somewhere your DD would enjoy but your DSC would moan about being dragged to - then who are you harming by taking her on her own? You'll have a better time, they don't want to come anyway, and you won't have wasted money (and resent the DSC for making you waste it) on something they don't want to do.

My DSC are a mix of teens and pre-teens and I find the pre-teens a lot eaier (my own DCs are pre-teens too) - the negativity about things that you think they ought to enjoy is really grating, and annoys me even more if I fear theat my DCs will copy the attitude (though so far that hasn't really happened)

But I do remember being a teenager and simply hating Doing Things with my family - regardless of what it was really. I wanted to be out there with friends or other people - but wasn't acutally old enough to do so - not tied down into a family unit I didn't want to be in. And a step family can't be any easier to want to be in - probably harder.

Are there things that the DSC do like doing? Cinema? Eating out if they're always looking for the next meal? Learning to cook? Sports?

I make a concerted effort to take my dc out on their own, even though they are similar in age to the dsc because a) I think it is important for the kids to spend time with their respective parents alone, b) The dsc spoil exciting days out for my dc with eye rolling and general moaning and whinging and c) my own kids behave themselves (mostly!)
I am taking my boys away for a week on our own in the summer. Is this something you could get away with? I realise it is harder for you to do this because you and your DH have a child between you but it would give you a break and some breathing space.

How old is your dd? I feel very similar about Dss and have done since having ds (3). We have our own little routines/ ways all week then Dss appears on fri and everything is turned upside down. I think it's worse that we only have 1 child as in the week we spend lots of time together and at the weekend Dss hates it when me/ dh do an activity alone with ds and will try anything to put a stop to it

I think the trouble is you can never feel the same about your sks as you do about your own child. Some might, but many can't. For example when Dss hurts ds I just cannot be impartial, it makes my blood boil. So I let dh deal with (frequent) incidents like that.

He is also very prone to sulking and tbh it does out us off going out with him as he only seems to misbehave or sulk.

I think the key is to keep smiling and don't let the sks know how you feel. Don't feel bad about taking your own child out when the sks aren't there, you are entitled to do what you want with your child!

veryhotdog I remember feeling like this with my dss. He lived with us and my eldest dd was ten years younger and quite little when we got together. I think we sort of develop as parents along with our children so I was used to under 10s but not so good with 15 year olds which made it hard to deal with my ds. However, now that my dds are teens I realise that teens are a pain in the butt quite often and it is ok to find them such.

WIth big age gaps it is quite normal to do different activities with younger ones - can't see the problem. I suppose with teenagers coming to stay things are a bit more contrived anyway. My dss saw less of his mum in his teens as he wanted to be out with friends rather than spending the weekend at her house (she lived 20 miles away).

I have felt that way in all the 10 years I've known my dss's . Please don't feel guilty, your feeling are very normal I think.

I get that feeling of dread, it's sometimes like a sick feeling or a tight feeling in my chest . Like a big grey cloud that looms. That sounds awful but it's true. Weekends without them are so free and easy I love it.

Now they're teenagers the access weekends are so contrived. They come everywhere with us while they're here and don't see friends at all outside of school. Sorry this doesn't exactly help you, but I suppose I'm saying I understand.

I used to have similar feelings when my DSD was a teenager and was coming to stay. I had no experience of teens and didn't have the 'mothers love' to see me through when she refused to get out of bed, did big sighs or behaved in a perfectly normal, but intensely irritating teenage way.

If it helps, I'm out the other side now and it does get better when they're past this phase. Now I genuinely look forward to her coming to stay and she's turned from a grumpy teen to a lovely bright young woman who is a pleasure to be around.

Thanks for the replies. It really is a relief to know others are in a similar boat. My dd is just 4 and yes,when the dsc are not with us we have our own rhythm and routine. It then gets very disrupted at the weekend. It's like having visitors every time they are here. They are not visitors of course, it's their home too, but because there is the differences in routine, rules etc, then to me it does feel like having visitors regularly. DH works a lot, and I do most of the entertaining but sometimes I do pack the dsc off to the cinema with him which gives me a couple of hours break.

I also find it hard when dsc do anything which impacts negatively on dd. I realise that normally siblings will fall out, be mean to each other. Dsc are not deliberately unkind to dd. just indifferent sometimes. Which is hard when dd has been so excited to see them.

The time we spend with dsc is contrived. We are in a funny stage where we are still following a contact order set down years ago. But we are flexible if there is something one of the dsc want to attend. I wonder what the next stage is? Maybe someone who has got older teens can enlighten me? I feel uncomfortable with the idea of completely ad-hoc contact.

My eldest DSD is 15 - the contact order put in place means that she and younger siblings come to us every weekend - but relations between her parents are sufficiently flexible that she kind of uses this as a basis and adjusts it whenever it suits her - we live nearer her school so she comes round a bit in the week, and if there are parties she wants to attend, she'll choose which house to stay at at the weekend depending who's nearerst. She did also decide to opt out of a holiday we had booked recently, which wasn't really OK with us though.

So if your teens do likewise you may be seeing them more, or less, and probably at less predictable times - like you say more ad hoc. DP and I are kind of alright about this - and mainly just tell her that she must tell us which meals she'll be here for but it does make the household less predictable. The plus side though is that at 15 she very much has her own life - we don't feel much need to be entertaining her as she's off out with her mates a lot of the time.

Reading through this thread confirmed what i've felt since becoming a sm- that although i feel bad for tolerating bad behaviour in my own kids and struggling to tolerate it with my step kids- this is what we are biologically programmed to do. There is no bond like the maternal, and yes, it is extremely unfair on step-kids (especially younger) who do not ask to be put in this situation. I think it depends a lot on their age when you get them; mine were teens who were very close to their mother and did not want or expect maternal feelings from me, although i tried my hardest to show them kindness and love. I guess what i'm trying to say op is that you shouldn't give yourslf too hard a time because your feelings are natural.

I felt like you. But I had good reason in that my youngest sd (and at one point my middle dss) ignored me. Would barely look at me and sniggered at any attempt to make things "nice" for them.

The middle one, my dsd has now changed toward me. He's 22 now and and lives at some distance but is a pleasure to have when he visits. The eldest, my dsd, at 23, is and always has been just lovely and I have a very real affection for her. The youngest was and has continued to be a nightmare. My heart used to sink (when things were really bad) when the car pulled up, with her in it.

I know how you feel. You are not alone. I don't really know what to suggest. Sorry. But when things are stressful, it's NOT WRONG to wish it away. I think that your wanting it to be just you dh, and your dd is natural if you're dealing with "just can't be othered with anything" teens. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Middle one....dss! He's not a girl!

Again, thank you for the lovely replies. There must be so many of us step parents who approach the weekend/contact time with a sinking heart. I take my hat off to those who don't. My main pleasure is the joy on DD's face as they walk through the door.
Last weekend was ok. Enjoyable at times and both dsc reasonably cheerful and helpful.
I don't know how I see the contact changing in our case as the dsc get older. We live out in the country, no immediate bus routes, no friends just down the road etc. so the dsc come to see us only, rather than use our house a base to live their own lives iykwim. I think personally I would rather keep the contact guidelines we have but just get more
And more flexible within those guidelines. That way, at least we would know when we could book stuff in that wouldn't be suitable to do when they were around rather than be taken by surprise each weekend.

Another thing, those with teens- step or otherwise- how do you manage your evening time? Our days with dsc are quite intense as they don't entertain themselves well. Then they tend to sit up quite late with us and by the time they have gone to bed DH and I usually go up ourselves as we are tired . Sometimes we crave some time alone just to chill out, enjoy a drink together etc. how do you manage this with older children? They have access to books and age appropriate films in their rooms as well as handheld consoles. Is it ok to give teens a time that you want them upstairs by, even though they may not go to bed at that time? I think the lack of adult time at weekends doesn't help.

Don't beat yourself up! My own teens are joyless twats at times and I often think 'why the F do I bother'!

Re evenings; if I allowed it mine would sit up with me all night. You and DH need adult time. Set a time that they must be in their room not sleeping but up there all the same. Would your DH back you up with that?

You don't sound mean at all. Quite the opposite actually.

You are really just thrown into living with older children before you are ready. I would have had my own children in bed early until they left home, if I could! They get to the stage where they are up longer than you and you can't send them to their rooms. We just used to go to bed first. Can't you just go to your room and leave them downstairs?
Your problem is that it isn't a normal life when they visit. It is intense because they have no life other than visiting you. Normally you would just be a base and they would be out and about.
If you put yourselves in their shoes it is difficult. Friends must be doing things and they can't join in because they are away for the weekend. Much as they want to see the parent it leaves them with a lot of time to fill when they are not exactly family and not exactly visitors. e.g have you tried letting them cook a meal - mow the lawn etc?
Have you discussed it with them? Asked them now that they are older what they would like? When they are younger they are more like parcels to be deposited but it needs to change and be far more flexible as they get older.
The one thing is that the time will go and they will be young adults with lives of their own.