New to all this!

[HelpMe2012]

Hello! Hoping for some information as very recently moved in with boyfriend whose children stay with us every other weekend.
I understand he had quite an acrimonious divorce from their mother so communication between them even re the children is extremely limited.
I've had this explained to me but not sure I fully understand all of the terminology. His ex wife is the resident parent but they were married so he has parental responsibility. I understand that their contact time every other weekend is court ordered.
What does this all mean? My boyfriend doesn't seem to fully understand it all either... I want to help him as he would like more input and contact with his children but doesn't seem to think he is allowed.
In his position, what information is he entitled to from the schools regarding the children, what info should his ex wife give him, what input is he allowed into their lives for example choice of school, moving to another area, speaking to them on the phone between contact etc...
I understand that he is paying the CSA advised amount of money to his ex wife each week but I know he can't afford more than that as he is on a low wage as it is...
He seems rather brow beaten by his ex, and misled by his divorce solicitor that he has no right to any info re the children and should be lucky that he gets the small amount of contact he does.
Is he entitled to more or less and should he be doing more or less (I know he can't financially, and his ex doesn't seem to want non-financial help from him).
Hope you can clear up the terminology and regulations for me!
p.s. any advice on my journey would be much appreciated. x

His ex is the Resident parent (RP) - that means the children essentially live with her.
Your boyfriend has parental responsibility (PR) (you're correct that he will have it if he was married to his ex) which means he has a say in things such as schooling, medical care, etc.

If the contact he has is court ordered and he wants more, there are two ways he could get this:

• He could try and get his ex to agree to more time with them (but you say this is unlikely)
• He could reapply to court to get a bit more. I think every other weekend and some time (either an overnight or evening visit) in the other week, or midweek every week is quite common, so he could ask for that. Most court orders make some additional arrangements for the holidays too - does his? Presumably it should all be documented somewhere if it's been to court.

The contact is all a separate issue from maintenance - if he's paying the CSA advised amount, then that should be fine and won't need to alter unless his income alters. If he starts having the children at least one night a week more though it could potentially go down (by 1/7 for each regular night he has them) - he shoud be aware that his ex may fear it going down and resisit further contact for this reason.

He's fully entitled to be involved in decisions over his kids' schooling and medical care - though obviously this needs to be in agreement with his ex. He's also entitled to be kept informed of things at school. Most schools have an email system where you can get letters by email or else will allow him to give the class teacher a supply of stamped addressed envelopes for sending him letters. He can make an appointment to meet the kids teachers if he wants to discuss how they're getting on. Similarly, GPs should share anything he wants to know with him as their parent.

It's quite hard as someone coming into this anew to figure it all out and know how much to push to support your partner, and how much to leave him to it. I've figured it's often best to tread quite carefully and slowly, and leave things as they are if they're not an absolute disaster. Especially if you've only very recently moved in, it's probably not a great time to rock the boat.

Thankyou Purpleroses. My boyfriend is not involved my his ex in anything. It all seems to be on her terms. Is he legally allowed to be involved in decisions re schooling etc as she is talking about moving the kids to a new town to get a bigger council house and that would mean moving schools, and he seems to think that she doesnt have to consult him on this.
The court order specifies every other weekend and one week a year in a school holiday. Apparently it took a long time and lots of money to get that. Right now he cant afford any further legal fees.

Should read BY his ex not MY his ex!

Hi HelpMe, I've just found this on the internet about PR, which looks quite helpful.

www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/parental-responsibility

It seems to me to say that she can go ahead and make day-to-day decisions (eg DS not well, she takes him to the doctor) but not the more major ones (eg change of school)

I'm finding it useful and have just bookmarked it! The problem with family law is there appears to be very little enforcement or penalty for non-compliance - DH's court order says he should have DSS (his DS that is, my DSS!!) for 2 wkends out of 3, however we should have had him last weekend and it seems she can get away with this. Legal proceedings are indeed pricy!

I find it difficult to know how much to be involved in the whole process in general, but despite the acrimony DSS is a lovely boy whose company I genuinely enjoy (we have a joke that he was part of a buy-one-get-one-free offer when I married DH!) and you do sound lovely. I think each SM/Sfamily make things work in their own way, what might work for some wouldn't for others. I hope it works out for you all!