DSD makeing me feel invisable and dont belong "help"

[Mandalar]

Hi im new to this but really need some advice, hopefully some of you have been down this road & understand and could probly shed some light or help me out, to cut a long story short, ive been with my DH 9 years now and married last year, i have always had a good relationship happy and fun with his dd now 13 & ds now 15, the XW has done everything she possibley can to upset this been awkward as hell and used her children as pawns to get at us, weve spent thousands in courts for orders to keep seeing them to the point we lost our house, any way dsd ran away last november and came to live with us as she was really unhappy living with her mum, which has fired up XW even more,
Since DSD has been living with us her mood swings are awful and is now treating me like im not there hardly speeks to me and wont stay in the same room as me, she even talks to my daughters alot older 23 & 28 who dont live with us but not me, for the life of me i really dont know why ive tried everything and now exhausted upset and hurt & really dont know what to do, some days i feel invisible and so alone as i tell my DH but he cant see whats happening , it feels like dsd wants me out the way, i love my dh so much and cant bare to leave but cant cope with the never ending problems regarding XW and now DSD, any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated to help me regain normality to our little family.

Hi there, does she still see her Mum? If she had completely rejected her mum in favour if Dad then she may be feeling some pretty strong emotions as this would not be a normal state. Similar to when children reject their Dads. Why was she so unhappy there?
If she does still see her Mum, maybe she feels a loyalty to her that she feels you are a threat to?
I don't really have the answers I'm afraid. Has she been spoken to about how she's feeling? If she was aware of the court battles then ultimately "ram away" from her mother then she's been through a lot. Some counselling maybe?

Her mother has had nothing to do with her in the 9 months she has been living with us, apart from one meeting and a couple of phone calls made to her mum by dsd, dsd sent her mum a christmas card and mothers day card and she sent it back, her mum also never botherd with her on her birthday, to me it feels like her mum is punishing dsd for wanting to live with her dad, dsd has a mobile by the way and can contact her mum when ever but chooses not to, when dsd lived with mum she was not allowed contact with dad in between visits via mobile or internet she was told ( not in mums time ) which i find bizarre, if she did try and mum found out the mobile or laptop was taken off them thats dsd and dss who still lives with his mum.

God sounds awful!! She's definitely acting out because of all this horrible stuff. I suppose from your point of view she should be pleased to have you in her life and therefore none of this makes sense. But it's never as simple as that. The norm is for mum and dad to both care for her and be in her life, that's not happening so expect all manner of irrational behaviour at that age. I'd get her some therapy.

Not excusing her behaviour in any way but maybe she resents you for not being her Mum. It must hurt her terribly to be rejected by her Mum in such a cruel way and I imagine she sees you being like a Mum to her, doing all the things a Mum does and it makes her resent you. Totally irrational and horrible of her I know.
Have you asked her why? Do you carry on regardless and ignore it.
I think your DH should get his head out of the sand and deal with this to be honest. Its no good him saying he can't see it, it is there. He has to face it!
Maybe you should tell him you are thinking of leaving because of it.

Agree with kaluki. Your partner needs to deal with this and support you and help his daughter with some difficult emotions. How her mum is behaving is terrible but that doesn't mean your dp can excuse her behaviour, it might be he reason behind it but that doesn't justify it, in my opinion.

Hi mandalar,

My DSS aged 14 left her mums house and came to live with us, this was about 15 months ago as the relationship with her mum had deteriorated so badly it was turning into emotional abuse.

Since she has moved in with us she has had counselling from her school counsellor and through the GP, this has helped her deal with her feelings and try and work her way through the enormous upheavel.

I would suggest your DH talks to his daughter as to why she is totally ignoring you, I agree with other posters that you are probably being used as the scapegoat in this, which of course is unacceptabale but understandable considering the age and emotional trauma your SD is going through. She is being rejected by her mum, and has no idea how to deal with this.

I would really suggest counselling, talking and lots of patience, its not really you she is angry with but your are the easiest person she can take it out on. You and your DH need to come up with a strategy which involves your SD, DH must not allow her to treat you this way.

If you can work as a team Im sure you can get through this. Its really hard, I know.

Good luck

I'm sorry to say that this sounds like a DP problem, yet again

Your DSD has run away from one parent to a home where the other parent is unwilling to set appropriate boundaries, hence her behaviour towards you getting worse and worse.
If your DP had stepped in right at the beginning, and parented his daughter, then it is unlikely that you would be living in the horrible situation that you now do.
If he doesn't see the way she is treating you, then he is failing to do his job as a Dad, and failing to respect you as his partner. How can he not notice tension and dispute in his own home between two people that he claims to love and respect? HE may be choosing not to see it - which means that he is failing both of you

Does your DSD ever get disciplined by her Dad? What does he do when she is openly rude to you or other family members? Do you have house rules/boundaries that he enforces?

Yes, your DSD is dealing with rejection by her Mum, which is traumatic enough on it's own - but she is also dealing with the perception that no matter how badly she behaves, her Dad doesn't care enough about her to enforce boundaries.

Has your DP sought any psychological support for his DD and himself in dealing with the fallout of his ex behaviour towards their daughter?