Part to full time Disney dad.

[theredhen]

So, DP trying to do the right thing by me. Said he will make DSD tidy her room but she's been here nearly 2 weeks and he's only told her that she will need to tidy her room up "soon". She has 10 damp towels in there already and you can't see her carpet!

He said he wants to be fair to my DS and give his DSD an allowance instead of just dishing out the dosh (they are both the same age). I have given DS an allowance for about 7 years. However, he wants to give DSD an allowance of over 4 times what DS gets as she socialises more and he (we) will still buy all her clothes, toiletries etc on top. He has suggested that "we" match DSD allowance for DS and offered to pay half of my DS (we don't share finances). I just feel that yet again, DS and I have to change to suit the step children and HIS family. I'm sure DS will be happy to get a "rise" of over 4 times, but it's not because he "deserves" it or because I've had a pay rise, it's because DP wants to give this amount to HIS DD. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I am so full to the brim of stress.

He is tip toeing round her like she's made of porcelain because she's vulnerable and upset (although showing no outward signs at all) so even if they live with you, it doesn't stop them being a disney Dad does it?

He was nearly in tears yesterday sending her to see her Mum for half an hour with other family members and tried to insist on waiting outside the house so she could "escape" if need be. Telling me he didn't really want her to go and that he was frightenened she might not come back. Then 2 hours later he is sending his ex e-mails asking to know when he is going to be allowed contact with DSS and telling me that DSS should be "made" to see him and she is being unreasonable.

Just needed to offload.

Dp is saying he will agree boundaries with me but then he will allow his dc to break those boundaries while I will stick to them.

He is the one saying that he doesn't want different rules for all the kids and that my ds should have the same rules as his dc.

Doesn't make any sense at all.

Yup - my DP is the same - I KNOW that there are some things that he just isn't motivated enough to stick to no matter how committed he is when we talk about them . He says he'll try his best - and then gets angry with himself when I highlight how his actions have subsequently contradicted his words.

Yes, it's frustrating, but something I can live with - he's doing his best

But there is one thing in trying to do something and having good intentions from the start and then not quite fulfilling those intentions because it's "easier" to give in etc. It's like going on a diet and then having a cream cake after a week. You tried but it was easier to give in. We all have times when we give in or don't get everything right.

But what I am talking about here is DP actively saying we can sit down and discuss all the rules we like, but he is doing it his way and I can get stuffed if I think he is going to compromise one jot. DP is saying you can say I'm on a diet but actually I'm going to eat cream cakes all day but if it makes you feel better to say I'm on a diet, then go ahead.

It really does sound like youre fighting a battle you can't possibly win

I apologise in advance if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but if you feel that your DP is never going to relinquish control have you tried keeping everything seperate? I know you said finances are already seperate but what if you just lived together but each dealt with your own children your own way, so if your DP didn't want to ask his dd to tidy her room then fine but he's the one that had to deal with it/ clean it himself, if his dc needed anything then he'd have to buy it/get it/wash it himself. And any plans you made with your ds were between you and your ds, you each did the running round lifts etc for your own dc?

Don't get me wrong I know it's hardly an ideal way to live, but I think things sound so unfair to you as they stand

It may be possible for the adults in one house to have different rules for different children, but i do not think it is possible for the children themselves, without causing the inevitable resentment.

Has he said that he won't compromise?

Because its two very different things to say - I'll try but I cant make any promises rather than we can talk to we're blue in the face but I won't try

If he's actually said the latter, then I don't see any point in relationship counselling - unless he's using it as part of an exit strategy?

Well he's saying he'll agree rules but then it's unlikely he will be able to stick to them. He might be able to, I suppose it depends on whether his kids push the boundaries or not. It doesn't make things dissimilar to how they are already only we have never really sat down with kids and made things crystal clear. I suppose they don't really know where the boundaries are at the moment as they change all the time and different rules for different kids etc

If we then sit down and set out boundaries for all the kids and then dp breaks them for his kids it will teach them my boundaries are to be broken and they get preferential treatment over my ds.

Not sure what is worse for kids, no boundaries or boundaries which they know are meaningless.

I don't necessarily want a perfect life with a perfect set of rules but I can't help thinking if dp had any respect for me he would want to compromise like I do because he would want us to work.

And he took far too much pleasure from thinking I was upset after counselling.

I dont think £20 for a 14 year old girl is a huge amount of money. If you want to negotiate make an agrement from that amount of money she has to get her own make up and deodorant plus niceties. If you dont want your son to go up with that much then dont go there but honestly as long as you are clear on this covers stuff like her wanting to go to the cinema with friends I think it is a fair amount of money to have to spend (obviously providing your dh can afford to I would not suggest she should have so if he was unable to)

Make sure she has chores to do for the money though have a clear agreement of what it is meant to cover. But £20 is a trip to mac D a new eyeshadow and a drink & muffin in starbucks and then £5 left for general crips and drinks as you wander around. If she wants a cinema trip she will have to miss out on Mac D/Starbucks for a week or two.

I agree with Kaluki - I'd never want to sit down to discuss the actual
amounts of pocket money kids receive with the kids themselves! There'll obviously say as much as possible. It's not like discussing general house rules about how you all treat one another where they might have some useful contribution to make - it's simply a decision that parents should make.

But I do think that reducing the amount of pocket money given is going to be very difficult for you DP (or for DSD to accept without, as she will see it, any good reason other than you being bad cop). Better to try and crack down on the giving extra when she runs out. Instead of giving her more, couldn't he give her a loan instead on the odd ocassion? or encourage her to borrow from another sibling who will be unlikely to forget the debt? And try and get a clear set of things that she is expected to buy with the £20 - clothes, toiletries, etc. You could increase your DS's pocket money to the same level if you also increase the number of things he's expected to fund from it, without it feeling like you've just signed up to their rules.

Sounds like your DP needs some strategies in mind for how to deal with her running out of money that won't be too strict for him to manage, but will serve the purpose of her learning that his wallet isn't endless.

As time has gone on, it doesn't really matter about the pocket money amount, I was thinking along the lines of making ds save some of it whatever the amount given ended up being.

Not convinced about the kids being involved in the decision making but there you go.

I think the significant thing is what I've known all along, that dp wants me in his life but I'm not to have any real say over his children or my home. And also that he's not interested in building a good relationship with my ds.

Is it just his actions or has he intimated he is not interested in building a relationship with your ds? I think that you have to make it clear to him that he cannot possibly expect any more than that from you with regards to his children.

With regards to pocket money, i have a ds of 12 and dd 14. Dd has a social life, whereas the only thing ds spends his money on is computer games. Whereas i am only to happy to say no to dd for 'things' she needs, i find it harder to make her stay in when all her friends are meeting up for a pizza. She loaths accepting money from me and cannot wait to get a part-time job. But i chose the school she attends with girls who do spend money socialising, so i do not feel it is right to make her feel excluded.

My point is that different children of differing sexes/ages need different ammounts of money. I think your idea of giving your ds a reduced ammount whilst saving the rest for him for when he needs it one day is a very good one. It doesn't solve the feeling you have of having no control in your own home, but may be a short term solution to this particular problem.

I dont understand why you are putting yourself through this.

You know that whatever you agree, he is going to give her extra so why go through the charade.

I'm not going to. After he's said what he's said there is no point. It's just an exercise in teaching the kids that we don't have boundaries to be respected. I have no intention if trying to suggest anything now.

Is it not up to him how much money he gives his own daughter?
Why be so tight with your son?

Krumbum,

I give DS what I do which goes back to when I was on my own with him and didn't have loads of spare cash. Not much has changed as I don't share finances with DP, so hence why DS gets the amount he does.

DP is entitled to give his children whatever he wants to, however, we are supposed to be working towards a "blended family" and pocket money is what our counsellor has suggested we initially look at as a starting point.

How can you be a blended family if you don't share finances? It's not an equal partnership.
Surely it is unfair to ask you to increase DSs pocket money when you are effectively on a single parents income!
It seems that your DP wants you and DS to blend into his family without making any compromises himself!
So unfair

To be fair to dp, it's really my idea to keep finances seperate. We share the bills, he pays some, I pay some, we pay for our own cars, he pays for luxuries. It isn't all bad but I think I don't want to share finances because, again, there will be no boundaries and nothing enforced. So I would fully expect dp to spend the extra income on things he/his kids need whilst I lose my say..... Again.

I see what you mean. Not ideal either way is it!

It's about the only thing I do feel I have "control" over, in some ways I'm shooting myself in the foot as dp earns loads more than me but at least he can never say I'm only after his wallet.