Part to full time Disney dad.

[theredhen]

So, DP trying to do the right thing by me. Said he will make DSD tidy her room but she's been here nearly 2 weeks and he's only told her that she will need to tidy her room up "soon". She has 10 damp towels in there already and you can't see her carpet!

He said he wants to be fair to my DS and give his DSD an allowance instead of just dishing out the dosh (they are both the same age). I have given DS an allowance for about 7 years. However, he wants to give DSD an allowance of over 4 times what DS gets as she socialises more and he (we) will still buy all her clothes, toiletries etc on top. He has suggested that "we" match DSD allowance for DS and offered to pay half of my DS (we don't share finances). I just feel that yet again, DS and I have to change to suit the step children and HIS family. I'm sure DS will be happy to get a "rise" of over 4 times, but it's not because he "deserves" it or because I've had a pay rise, it's because DP wants to give this amount to HIS DD. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I am so full to the brim of stress.

He is tip toeing round her like she's made of porcelain because she's vulnerable and upset (although showing no outward signs at all) so even if they live with you, it doesn't stop them being a disney Dad does it?

He was nearly in tears yesterday sending her to see her Mum for half an hour with other family members and tried to insist on waiting outside the house so she could "escape" if need be. Telling me he didn't really want her to go and that he was frightenened she might not come back. Then 2 hours later he is sending his ex e-mails asking to know when he is going to be allowed contact with DSS and telling me that DSS should be "made" to see him and she is being unreasonable.

Just needed to offload.

Bloody hell Redhen!!!!!

Regarding the allowance - how about meeting in the middle, doubling DS and halving DSDs?
You must have the patience of a saint - I'm sure I would have exploded by now in your shoes!!

He'll agree to it, then bung her the odd extra tenner, I'm sure of it.

We're talking an allowance of £20 per week just for hanging out with mates in town really. Mobile phone contract paid on top (ds has payg) as well as lots of clothes and toiletries, stuff for room, and lots of after school clubs. Dp has said its just for school holidays and we will re adjust in sept.

Maybe I've just been really tight with ds who has been getting £18 per month?

I just think I feel railroaded into doing what he wants rather than what I want - again.

Well to put into perspective - I give DS (nearly 13) £15.00 a month which his Dad matches. So he gets £30 a month but he has to pay for his phone credit, all school stuff (stationery etc) and the other crap that boys buy (lego, cards, comics etc)
DS2 (just turned 9) gets £10 from each of us a month but he doesn't have a phone and doesn't need much school stuff yet.
DP agreed to give his the same but he does buy them stuff on top, which pisses me off too!

What I also forgot about is that dad has a monthly job that pays her £85 per month! She didn't bother to do it last month and left he sister to do the lot. Dp says he wants to encourage her to do it but giving her sm income of £20 per week cash plus everything else on top is hardly encouraging a work ethic is it?

• dsd not dad.

Well would you work for £85 a month if someone was going to give you the money for free? Nobody would!!!
Do these men have no logic at all?????

The allowance plan sounds crazy...especially since it sounds as though you can't rely on him even to stick to that, or to limit the expenditures om her toiletries, etc...

DSD (17) gets £25/week - which is INSANE especially given that neither DH or I has a fulltime job! BUT - it is still an improvement over how things were before, for two reasons:
1.) £15 of that is only given IF she does her chores that week (if we were doing it all over, DH and I agree that we would make it not just about chores, but 'for good behaviour' more generally!)
2.) We only buy "essentials" for her - she has to pay for everything else. That does include some basic toiletries - like, we buy deodorant, but she has to buy body sprays or perfumes. We buy her face wash, but only a 'basic' store brand - if she wanted Clinique or something, she'd be on her own for that. We buy socks and underwear, and an occasional other required item; she buys most of her other clothes.
It works (not perfectly, but as I say, it is an improvement) because DH is totally locked in to it. If he were still giving her an extra tenner when she runs short, that kind of thing, it would be a mess. (He is softer about the chores than we agreed - letting her make them up if she forgets, that kind of thing - but is getting better.)

As for getting her to tidy her room...one of the first things I did when we all moved in together was to get rid of most of the 'extra' bedding and towels. We kept enough for guests, but I put those away separately. We all have two towels now, and we each have our own colour. (There are a few old towels that people can take swimming or to the beach, too.) It might sound mad, but it worked - DSS can't continue to stack up damp, moldy towels in his room any more. We just had too much stuff, and it made it easy for the kids to "get a new one" any time they couldn't find a clean towel/pan/bowl...

sorry, i have forgotten - what age is DSD?

She's 14

Well, that seems like a lot of money to me, for a 14 year-old. And will there be increases with age? And especially if you guys will carry on buying her whatever clothing and toiletries she thinks she "needs".

I know that what we give DSS and DSD is far above the norm. They do go to a school with wealthier kids and claim that they get less of everything than their peers (I don't actually believe this, for the most part, and more importantly, I don't actually care) - It might be worth talking to some of the other parents of DSD's peers to get a sense of how they handle it - not because you have to do the same, but it might be an eye-opener for your DP!
You might also want to show him this 2011 story, it has a link to data on pocket money averages by region and age:
It says £7.61 is the average for 14 year-olds.
That fits with what I have read otherwise, about giving half the child's age.

...and yes, because we give her too much, DSD has no interest in getting a job. She gets EMA which is only to be used for educational expenses, and I think she imagines that between the EMA and our negligible contribution, she is somehow going to have enough for university, without working. She won't. I really wish DH would have a 'frank talk' with her about it all, as I don't think she will take it well from me.

Last summer we gently suggested a few places she might look for a part-time job. She did nothing about it at all, and DH didn't really press her on it. Last month a family friend was visiting, and she let it slip that DSD had told her how we were 'hassling' her to get a job. I think it was mentioned a half-dozen times. It does annoy me, as she isn't really working very hard at anything - school, home, or a job - and we are just making that too easy for her, but then she is playing up to this woman as if we are slave-drivers! Guess that is just teenage-ness. /end hijack.

Redhen, is your DP terrified DSD will go back to living at her mother?s unless her every whim is indulged? I recall he wasn?t keen on having her full time, but as it sounds like this has almost happened by ?accident?, ie a temporary stay that has morphed into a longer term situation, has he actually talked to you about what he wants to happen?

It rather sounds like no one has ?officially? agreed to her moving in with you, although it?s sort of happened anyway ???.. simply because she?s never gone home.

Exactly, dp ex has found her a nice little job (I wish ds could get one) and yet she won't do it because she won't need to and I won't be able to offer it to ds because he won't want to do it either if I match dp idea of fair pocket money.

So fed up of everything being an issue and me backing down all the damn time for the sake of peace and not upsetting the "troubled" step kids. If these two excuses for parents sorted themselves out, they wouldn't be troubled children.

redhen what a nightmare - how much more is there left for him to throw at you?

sounds like you're going to blow soon - not before time, IMO, but I fear that it's not going to be pretty!

I think I must have the longest fuse in the world!

I agree with all that has been said, apart from the fact that your dp has said this arrangemnent is only for the summer hols. I have a 14 yr old dd who has cost me a fortune the last couple of weeks going out for lunch with her friends ect and buying 'essential' items for camp. It sounds a lot of money but it's a challenging age group to entertain. I also have a 12 yr ds who spends practically nothing as he has not started 'hanging out' with his friends in a major way. I am not justifying it at all, just saying that it is not abnormal.

I have a 14 yr old dd who has cost me a fortune the last couple of weeks going out for lunch with her friends ect and buying 'essential' items for camp. It sounds a lot of money but it's a challenging age group to entertain.

Sorry, I know finances are a highly personal area, but why do you let this happen? We are on our second 14 year old now, and I can't see paying for them to 'go out to lunch' with friends all summer long! I don'teel you have to provide them? I don't get to go out to lunch regularly myself, and I work! Or if the camp tems aren't essential , why feel you have to provide her with them?

sorry for random typo sentence there...

This is exactly why dp has decided on £20 per week, he dismisses the earnings completely and has decided she "needs" £20 a week which is actually only to be spent on food when hanging around the streets with her mates. Heaven forbid she eat lunch before she goes or takes a packed lunch everyday (like I do because I can't afford to eat out).

My ds will decide that he "needs" a state of the art gaming computer, doesn't mean I have to fund it to stop him getting upset!

brdgrl i do agree with you wholeheartedly in principal, but in practice it is not easy to explain to a 14 yr old that although all her friends are all meeting up for a pizza, she can't go. And items that are non-essential to me are essential to her. It's only for a short period of time as they are all away soon. Like redhen's dp, my dh 'spoils' the dc and sometimes i get tired of playing scrouge. I realise by this i am not being as good a parent as i aspire to be.

So I brought this subject up at counselling, and we talked at length about the pocket money situation.

Counsellor wants us to sit down and work out a compromise for all. He wants us to include the kids in the process and decision making.

We talked a lot about boundaries and dp being less "airy fairy" with his kids. All sounds good in theory.

However, I have told dp and the counsellor that I don't trust dp to go through with the boundary process and counsellor said that this is a good place to start as its less confrontational than some other issues. If one of us lets the process down, then we can discuss it.

However, in the car on the way home, I again said to dp, "what happens if dsd runs out of money and then gets opportunity to go somewhere nice but doesn't have enough money to go". His words were "well, I'd have all the best intentions to stick to things" and that he wants to "try" to do this. He said he couldn't make any promises.

I feel physically sick at the thought of sitting down with dp, ds and dsc and allowing them to all decide some extravagant figure whilst I get to be bad cop, hopefully get some compromise only to have dp undermine me and give dsc more money behind my back.

There are some other issues regarding money and dsc and dp fiddling things to ensure they get more than they are entitled to. Nothing illegal, just immoral, in my opinion. I can't go into details.

What also came up is that maybe I have some control issues over my ds. Ie. I don't want to relinquish control over ds to hand to dp. So I know that anything I say about not wanting to discuss pocket money with kids is going to be said that its because I'm scared of letting go. But I really feel now that I don't want to have this discussion with the kids, it will be a farce as far as I'm concerned, and teach the dsc that I am not to be respected or listened to because ultimately dp is in charge when/if he gives them extra. Whilst I will be sticking to the rules.

Truth is I don't trust my dp to parent ANY of the children properly and be fair to them.

The first thing he said when we got out of counselling was that he was glad I didn't get all my own way and I asked him if he was glad that I got a "telling off" and he admitted he was glad and that he's always said that it's "my way" or no way.

Counsellor has said that by having two sets of rules in house, it just makes the other parent cling on even more to "their" rules as it feels like a loss of control to give in. I really think this is what I am feeling and I feel damned if I should give in on this because we're not playing the same game.

Ah shit, you have a hard road ahead of you. Good luck

I think it is a ridiculous idea to let the dc join in the pocket money discussion. You and DP should discuss it between you and tell the dc the outcome as a fait accompli. No negotiations! These are children - they will just want as much money as they can get!!!
Your DP doesn't seem like he wants to change at all - just wants the counsellor to tell you that you are wrong and he is right.
I really feel for you Redhen. You are trying so hard to make this work against the odds but it must be like banging your head against a brick wall sometimes

I think I'm coming to the conclusion I'm living with a man who has to be in complete control all the time.

truth is, I don't trust him to parent any of the DCs

I think this is the fundamental issue between you.

You're going to have to be honest with yourself.

Is your lack of trust because he puts the DCs at risk, or abuses them - or is it just that he does things differently to the way you would?

Can you compromise and accept that you will parent each of your DCs in different ways and allow him to do that without resentment, or is the single, united family a non-negotiable for you?