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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Paying half for "cosmetic" treatment or just suck it up and pay all?

11 replies

taxiforme · 21/07/2012 13:13

DSD is 16. DP's ExW is RP. In essence DSD has had a skin problem for a few years. Misdiagnosed as several things and was just left by exW who said that "nothing could be done". This summer DSD's legs looked really bad, scabby and scarred, but she does not help herself to be honest. DH had had enough of the laid back approach and used his work health insurance (DSD would be covered) for a dermatology appt.

Upshot is, that she has a relatively mild but irritating skin condition which is essentially very difficult to treat and can only be managed. DSD has been shaving her legs constantly and waxing (she is V dark) which has made it worse. Dermo says that usual topical steroids should work but that she could "think about" geeting laser treatment on her legs as shaving/waxing will make it worse. Much like eczema, you can control it but have to live with it (I say this as a long time sufferer).

However the laser treatment is not covered as it has been deemed cosmetic. Cost, difficult to say, is going to be about £1700-£3000 dependent on how much she has done.

Firstly, given that this is going to cost a lot of money and may only relieve as opposed to cure the condition I am not convinced this is just a bit of money making for the clinic. Six treatments at least will be required. However, on this point I have to keep my counsel. It's my DH's child and he wants the best for her.

Given that his ex has got the means to pay (exW has no mortgage whilst we have huge one which my DH took out to pay her settlement) I think that the cost of this should be shared half and half if it goes ahead. ExW says that it should be paid wholly by DH as he was the one who took her to the dermo in the first place. I dont really understand this logic. Needless to say that if it comes to it we will pay but I just wonder wwyd?

OP posts:

MrsMcEnroe · 21/07/2012 13:16

I don't actually know what I would do but I just wanted to say well done to you for being supportive of your DH's daughter and not kicking up a fuss about paying for her treatment. Sorry, I know that doesn't answer your question!

Actually - what does your DSD want to do? Does she want the treatment? Is she bothered about the way her legs look? Is she in pain? All these things are relevant I think...

MrsMcEnroe · 21/07/2012 13:17

Actually - what does your DSD want to do? Does she want the treatment? Is she bothered about the way her legs look? Is she in pain? All these things are relevant I think...

Original poster

taxiforme · 21/07/2012 13:24

No Pain as such but itchy, it clears up in the sun and on hols, poss stress related..like most skin conditions..bothered about the condition? It seems not but she is very laid back anyway.

I am a bit about it as she is not bothered about putting on cream prescribed (which would be my FIRST port of call for treatment) but the offer of having laser hair removal has really floated her boat. She spends HOURS shaving waxing plucking eyebrows ect. It is the only beauty routine she is bothered about.

Thanks for the support mrsmac

OP posts:

fireice · 21/07/2012 14:12

If it is cosmetic and DSD is really keen to have it done maybe she could pay a token amount from her pocket money? Presumably it will save her money on all the current hair removal spending?

brdgrl · 21/07/2012 14:44

I know this isn't what you have asked - but I wouldn't be doing it for my own daughter.

But having said so, I guess I can see the mother's point of view on this. If it is not a medically necessary treatment and if she isn't in agreement about paying for a cosmetic one, than why should she?

So I guess I'd at least recommend a second opinion, to clearly establish to everyone's satisfaction whether this is a cosmetic or a medically necessary treatment.

Original poster

taxiforme · 21/07/2012 15:17

thanks brd that IS what I am asking in a way.

It is very helpful to know if someone would go down the route for their child, in these circs. I dont have my own kids but I am more or less certain that in this case I would not sanction £3000 to be paid for this and also committing my daughter to 6-10 sessions in school time, taking her out for an afternoon a time.

To be honest, I would not have posted on this board about it if it WAS a medical necessity!! The fact that treatment plan is rejected by insurers tells me as much too. It's cosmetic. Having hair on your legs does not kill you.

To be honest, I think that she has not really been engaging with any treatment which is why we have got here in the first place.

I have chatted to DH and said

she needs to get her act together using the steroids
she needs to cut down the times she is shaving (every day at the mo)
review in a few months
consider treatment if the steroid is not working AND she is bothering to use it.
consider it post her A levels or at least in the summer hols next year.

OP posts:

MrsMcEnroe · 21/07/2012 15:26

That last post sounds very reasonable taxiforme .

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 21/07/2012 15:29

Op, have your and your DH researched whether the laser treatment is actually someting that your DSD's skin can tolerate? Many years ago, I considered this option, but one of the things that put me off is that the skin can react badly to the laser treatment. So, by removing the hair to help alleviate the skin condition, you could actually make it worse by the laser causing further irritation. Unless the DSD has had the skin patch test, and it's not a problem, I think that is something that you also need to research as well. I don't have a major skin problem, but the thought of having red, itchy skin after getting the hair removed put me right off.

SofiaAmes · 21/07/2012 15:41

Getting your legs lasered to remove hair can be done for far less than 1700-3000. I had my legs done for a few hundred and only 3 visits. Enough hair was removed that I went from shaving my legs twice a day to only having to shave every 2 or 3 months. Dermatologists charge much more than a local lasering shop because they are "medical professionals." Except that in my experience the machines (and the person doing it) are the same...as medical professionals do not do lasering. Just do a little research on a reputable lasering shop in the area and you can have this sorted much more cheaply. Also agree with Perspective....make sure they do a test spot (any reputable laser place will insist on this) to check that there is no adverse reaction.

WaitingForMe · 26/07/2012 16:57

I would absolutely pay for a child or stepchild of mine to have it done. I've had my confidence knocked by eczema at times and if I'd had to have hairy legs on top of it, that would've been horrible (fortunately I was able to shave mine). I think her mum sounds pretty horrible. Be the better people and just do what it takes to help her body confidence.

It won't cost up to 3k though! Go to a good salon as SofiaAmes suggests.

matana · 27/07/2012 09:09

Poor girl. DOn't know where you're based but is there a chance you could instead go through NHS channels? Might they refer her to a skin specialist for free of charge laser treatment since it's presumably having a psychological impact on her? Sorry no experience of cosmetic surgery through the NHS but just wanted to put it out there as a suggestion.

Depending on the impact on her, i would probably be inclined to part with some money. It's not the same, but when i was at school i had terrible facial acne and i remember how terrible i felt about it. I lost my confidence entirely and it took a long time to re-build it. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

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