Step parents relationship with mum

[Hippychicklet]

Hi, this is my first thread so please be gentle. I'm step mum to 16 and 14 DSS and DSD, who live with us 50/50. I've been with DH for 6 years, due to get married this year. Mum has a partner of 7 years and the relationship with both DSD and DSS is a testament to all, they are balanced, secure kids and are close to all 4 of us. All 4 of us do school runs, go to school events etc and until now all has been ok.

Recently DSD came to me and DH v upset (tearful) as mum was upset that DSD and I had shaved her legs together and that mum had been angry and said that this is something that only mums should do with daughters and not step parents. DSD had asked her aunty on DH side to take her to have ears pierced. Mum has now asked DSD to make sure she 'does anything important' with mum from now on including having her ears pierced and has become angry with DSD over this making DSD feel like loyalties are now split. Mum has not spoke to us about this, very unusual. DSD is very confused by all this as remember she has asked us to do this with her. I am sure she asks her mum to do loads of other stuff that we never hear about, but frankly we are just pleased she is a secure happy child and feels she can ask any of us. She paints toe nails with mum and they do girlie stuff too.

DSD and I have close relationship which has taken a long time to establish upon which I had asked for mums help with in the early days and mum was happy to oblige saying that DSD should not feel like loyalties divided and she would do whatever she could to help DSD feel secure enough to relate to me. DSD and I now have a great relationship and she talks to me openly about personal issues and we share fun times shaving each others legs, doing the makeup thing etc, shopping as you would? Have always been very mindful of how mum might feel and have always been careful to ensure that DSD understands that mum is mum and my intention is never to replace mum in any way. Not a DisneyStep Mom, as I am also quite strict as is DH. DH is extremely supportive and a fantastic Dad, close and active with both DSS and DSD.

I don't have my own children so am very conscious of how mum might feel. I have noticed lately mum has started to 'copy' things I do with DSD, buy her the same clothes (duplicating purchases), insisting DSS uses different sanitary towels for no apparent reason etc, insist she packs bags before holiday and buys all holiday clothes, even though we have already bought some and basically making things awkward. Not a problem in itself but the way it is done is making us all feel uncomfortable. As we are 50/50 DH and I take DSD to doctors and their schools are registered at our house due to location. Mum does dentist and used to have schools registered with her.

My concern is my DSD's emotional health, she is clearly feeling upset with divided loyalties and has said to me she doesn't want to upset me either. DSS has also been asked to 'pass on messages' about things she is not happy with. We don't believe this is appropriate and have asked her not to do this. DSD has me on FB as her mother as her mum is not on FB and we had problems with other children recently and she wanted me to be on their as her parent and step in, which I have done. Mum has now insisted she remove me from FB as people will think I am her mum. DSD has not done so as she doesn't see the problem. This is not the case, as we have a very small circle of friends who know absolutely I am her stepmum and all DSD friends know me as her stepmum. No option on FB for stepparent, if there was we would use it. She is obviously starting to become insecure, is it the wedding? How do DH and I deal with this with mum. We have had many conversations of late with her about this, but she is not listening and it is getting worse. We have taken away any threats, but obviously our wedding is coming up. I starting to wonder what is going on. There has never been a 'competition element' and I don't want to participate in one but now I am starting to worry about what DSD and I do together, getting her cut, shaving legs, Bridesmaid shopping - its put both DSD and me on edge. We have always shared equally between the families, but mum suddenly wants to seemingly split loyalties. It is starting to be similar with DSS. Any advice for DH and I would be greatly appreciated ... be kind :)

I think her Mum feels like she is losing her daughter and it is making her panic.
My ds is approaching his teenage years and I am feeling like I'm losing him. He isn't my baby anymore and I know the days of having a sweet lego playing little boy are numbered now. Every milestone now is a countdown to adulthood and it is heartwrenching.
As for Facebook - please take yourself off there as her mother. DP's ex set his son up on FB and put her bf as his Father and DP was devastated, it is so hurtful to be excluded so publicly and I know FB is not real life etc but for some people things like this are important.

I am sure you aren't intentionally overstepping and you sound lovely but you need to step back a little here I think and let her Mum take precedent for a while.

Hi Kaluki, thanks for this I tend to agree. I think panic has set in, quite understandably we are all seeing them grow up so fast and DH and I feel it too .... but we don't feel their emotional health should be affected, so we are always careful to say and do the right thing. We just wished it would happen the other way around. Mum is actually a very stable lovely lady under normal circumstances, so this has been a tough one. I take on board your point about FB. My poor DSD feels stuck and guilty for what she did but also feels she shouldn't have to change it as it benefits her - her mum won't go on FB. But I take your point, I need to take action.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her Mum. Can you talk to her about it? Explain why you stepped in on FB?
It would be a shame for such a good relationship to be ruined for the sake of a few misunderstandings. This would alleviate the pressure on DSD if all the adults were communicating their feelings better.

Ok more to the story ... mum knew about the issue on FB and we agreed between the 4 of us and in fact she suggested that I go on FB to keep an eye. I'm the only one of the 4 of us who has an account. DH and I kept her updated on what was going on. The relationship with mum has started to become strained, very uncomfortable with this as has been good up until recently. This is what makes this more confusing. I think your first point was the correct one, she is panicking now and probably thinks she has made a mistake - we need to improve communication. I have withdrawn more not wanting potential conflict in front of the children, but maybe we need to talk when they are not around - thank you Kaluki very helpful :)

Have you ckecked FB recently? - stepmother does seem to be an option on my FB page. You can also just tick someone as family and not specify the relation. I also think you should definitely change it - it's not so much wither DSD's mum goes on there, it's that other people she knows will do.

I'd guess the difficulties might be to be with DSD getting older and you doing things that might seem unimportant to you (eg shaving legs) but that her DM sees as important landmarks in her DD's growing up. Maybe her mum is finding it hard to see her DD growing up. I doubt she wants to upset her - does she realise she has?

Yes, I am listed as "stepmother" to my DSD on FB.

I agree - the troubles seem to be, or to have started with, issues around DSD becoming a woman - like purpleroses says, it sounds like the mum is struggling with that. And perhaps she wants to make sure she knows what is going on in DSD's life at a time when daughters usually pull away from their mums anyway...

Given your past history of positive communication, I agree with Kaluki - you should talk directly with the mum about it; it may be time to redraw that understood 'agreement', or at least make sure you both understand it the same way.

Hi brdgrl, thanks for the advice. I am on FB and need some help changing this over. Any advice on where to look or how to do this?? Agreed understanding, perception and reality very important, in fact vital. We tend to just trundle on sometimes thinking all is ok, when actually the other person isn't thinking that at all :)

yippee all done - DSS and DSD are now on FB as Stepdaughter and Stepson - thank you - this must have changed when they updated timelines, so thank you. Will keep you updated with communication progress ......

I hope you get this sorted, it seems like a shame to spoil what is a good relationship hippy. I have to say that we share lots in common and I have noticed some of the things you have, too.

I also have no kids of my own, I married my DH recently and have teenage SKs. It is very difficult to draw the line. I was desp recently to take my eldest (16) DSD to have her nails and hair done for her prom (mum is very tight with money - she is VERY well off and CAN afford it btw, no mortgage and doesnt need to work) but stepped back as I thought would be going too far. I did feel sorry for her though, when all her friends had been to the beautician together and looked super groomed (shallow, yes..but sorry, its how we roll for prom night).

I am sure that the advice from Brdgrl is spot on and mum is feeling like she is losing control. In my situation mum has been a SAH and doesnt seem to have much going on in her life (I appreciate I dont know, but this is my impression). Recently there has been a step up in the control thing, like you- in so far as we have heard that she has asked DSD1 not to apply for any universities too far away!

The wedding is an important milestone as the perception is and you have chosen to show everyone you have officially become a "family" or a "unit".

Hi taxiforme, good to see that we are not alone and yes I think the family unit coming together might be an issue for her, but I understand she does not want to get married again, so it really is her choice. Ironically she had an affair and is still with the new partner, having left my DH. I do wonder bizarrely whether there is some jealousy about the wedding here, never explicitly shown though.

Sometimes you wonder whether you are overreacting and then it just goes on too long. Yes we had a similar problem with College for DSS. Mum not a SAH in fact we have the opposite problem, so this must be really difficult for you. Your DSD1 must have felt very left out re the Prom. Did she ask her mum to have nails done and mum said no? It is such a tightrope to balance .... Who ever said step parenting was easy, in some ways its much harder.

Interested to know whether you ignore the controlling behaviour or whether you confront the issue gently with mum?

I think that there are some things like getting earrings pierced or going for a wax, rather than shaving at home, are things that the biological mother and father have to discuss and agreed upon before getting it done, especially if they have a good relationship. BM might not have wanted for DSD to have her earrings pierced yet. Some of these milestones in a child's life should be discussed beforehand before it gets done.

If her mother said no and goes to you and you said yes, then you are going against her mother's wishes.

passion - your post highlights how difficult being a SM is and how no matter how hard we try, it's almost inevitable that we'll get it wrong!

I don't consider 'waxing' in a salon to be something I'd talk to DDs dad about beforehand - whereas you, and other mums, may well do.
So if I apply my own values to my relationship with my DSC, I am likely to inadvertently overstep and do something to upset her, because her values, boundaries and expectations are different to mine!
And even if I take the lead from my DP - what is the likelihood that he and his ex will agree?

Minefield!!!!

Thanks for all the comments and highlighting what a minefield this is. Whilst I appreciate mums feelings, I don't believe they are with DSD's best intentions at heart, they are about her own feelings of loss. One thing that strikes me here which I think I need to say is that throughout all this we are trying to avoid our DSD become a 'possession' upon which mum or DH makes all the decisions. We don't believe bringing a child up in this way is healthy. All 4 of us parent DSD and DSS equally and we trust each other (until recently?).

DSD has made choices about her own development which none of us disagree with and therefore why should we, being the step parent and dad who effectively parent her 50% of the time take second place? Of course, we know there are feelings here and nobody wants to intentionally upset mum. However my DSD should not be used as an item of possession for any of the parents to play or have total control over. My DSD is the priority I believe that if my DSD is to be brought up balanced and guilt free and decides she wants me to take her to do something that I shouldn't have to ask permission of mum unless of course it is something dangerous or harmful (skydiving or the like!). Doesn't this send my DSD the message that my judgement is flawed and that mum must be consulted on everything? It is not as if I/we are making those decisions for DSD and 'persuading her to do them'. DSD is coming to me/us to ask me to do something with her of her own accord because of our strong relationship. She has a healthy relationship with all 4 of us.

Mum doesn't ask dad necessarily about things to do with DSD but this has never been an issue because we have a high level of trust. I know for a fact DSD asks her mum to do things in equal measure without reference to dad, but that does not cause DH or I concern at all as we largely trust mums judgement. I don't believe mum in this instance has the 'right' over her birth child who wishes to make balanced decisions of her own. In fact I would actively encourage my DSD to make those decisions without any feelings of guilt or split loyalties otherwise this will raise an emotionally challenged DSD.

I think it needs to be said that step parenting is a huge challenge but I frequently feel like I am not able to make decisions to join in with my DSD because I didn't give birth to her. We choose as step parents to take on this responsibility for the good of the children, so why are we asked to play second fiddle?

My DSD is the priority I believe that if my DSD is to be brought up balanced and guilt free and decides she wants me to take her to do something that I shouldn't have to ask permission of mum unless of course it is something dangerous or harmful (skydiving or the like!). Doesn't this send my DSD the message that my judgement is flawed and that mum must be consulted on everything?
I'm sorry, but you have lost me here. I actually can't agree with you. And I do think, based on your post, that this seems not to be working for your family any longer. I can understand the mother's apparent feelings of exclusion much better now.

I firmly believe that step-parents are entitled to set rules within their own home and to have a relationship with the step-children that is one of an authority figure (rather than a 'friend' or a 'peer'). I also believe that the relationship can be one of affection or love, although it is not necessarily so.

But where the mother (or father) is alive, actively involved, and has not been deemed unfit - I do think the stepparent should demonstrate respect for their role - for the children's sake. Of course you should not have to ask her mum's permission for everything. And ideally, the two parents are discussing together issues like dating ages, ear piercing, tattoos, etc...but if there is no communication or inadequate communication between the two parents, then I think it is certainly unwise for the stepmother to make those decisions herself (or to make the decision with her DP and then carry it out.)

Every situation is different, and like NADM says, it can be difficult when what seems like a big deal to one woman is not to another (my mom was very strict that we were not to shave our legs as young teenagers! lots of other women wouldn't give a crap.). But when one is aware that there is friction, or that something is important to the mother, than I think it is right to allow the parents to make that call. Being a stepmother in most cases isn't the same as being a mum.

Hippy, it sounds like up until now things have been working well but that they are changing now that dsd is maturing rapidly. Even though you have been in dsd's life for a long time you aren't her mother and I think that you are in danger of stepping over the line albeit unintentionally.

Issues such as ear piercing, personal care and clothes are all big decisions for mothers and I can understand that dsd's mother wants to make these decisions with her dd. As a mother, I'm already thinking about when these issues will arise with my own dd and how I want to deal with them. Perhaps dsd's mother has been thinking about these kinds of issues for years too but when the time comes you're stepping into her role.

Completely agree with dsd's mother's upset over fb too.

I hope that this doesn't come across too harsh but I think that you're more likely to get people's honest opinions on this site. I'm not a step mother btw.

x posted.

The fact that dsd's mother does not like you making these decisions is in no way a criticism of you. It's that she wants to make the decisions with her daughter.

Sorry - I have to agree with previous poster. Your posts read as though you are over stepping the mark at times. You speak a lot about what you desire for DSD but you're not acknowledging what her Mum might want. I also think for communication to have "broken" something must have happened which either you're not divulging or aren't aware of. You talk of always having excellent communication lines, but now you're not speaking? Find out why. You're as guilty for not challenging Mum's behaviour if DSD is becoming upset. I might add that saying you're an "equal parent" tends to indicate your own view of your position but I can't see many Mum's being happy about that despite how well you all get on. This attitude might be the cause of the upset.

The Facebook thing shouldn't have happened at all and being the only one on there you should have nipped that in the bud. You're not her Mum and if you ever have your own children you'll realise how hurtful that would have been to DSD's Mum.