Becoming a blended family, how to ensure my ds still gets 'mummy' time

[Stepmumm]

Getting married next year, i have 1 ds 24/7, my fiancee has 3 ds 24/7. We're all (mostly) happy! Previously it has always just been me and my ds, ie, he's not had to share me. He can't wait for us all to move in and be part of a big family. He has coped very well with sharing me with the other 3 kids ( one in particular sticks to me like glue). We stay most weekends at my partners. My ds does get a bit jealous of one of the other kids so i do try to share myself, however my ds has plenty of time with just me at the moment.

I guess i'm just concerned he may get lost in the crowd and not get enough 'mummy' time. I may just be worrying about something that may not happen and he may feel the benefits of being in a large family outweigh this. But how can i make sure he gets time with me when he needs/wants it. He's 9, i work, and ultimately i will be responsible for all kids up tk 6 months at a time on my own, 2 of which will be too young to leave alone while myself and my ds go for a walk etc.

Not a disney- he would have to leave his job or put the kids in care

Not a disney - yes that has been talked about

I have someone do the cleaning and I'm lucky that dp is very good in a practical sense but it's the emotional side that is soooo hard.

I do understand your dp job means he doesn't really have much choice, what would he do if you weren't around?

And I second the point made about washing, I never used to understand why people moaned about washing, now I do!

I think as a mother the thought of kids being in care is a horrible thought (despite knowing some lovely foster carers) and I understand why you want to help him but it's such a big ask. I really feel for you.

I'm glad to hear that you aren't thinking of quitting your job and becoming a full-time carer for the kids - that would definitely qualify as bonkers.

But like almost all the other posters, I'm concerned for you. This set-up is going to be really difficult for you, your DS, and also the DSCs.

I don't think there is anything wrong with (in fact I think it is perhaps the most 'right' thing!) taking the approach NADM suggest - if you were not in the picture, what arrangements would your DP make? You say he'd have to choose between leaving his job and putting the children into care...I know this is a hard thing for me to say when I don't know the full story, but honestly? A man with the care of three kids? If there is any chance of him moving to a different career, he sort of needs to, surely? And if not - then you cannot be the fall back plan, not from the start of your life together,

I have two DSCs, who live with us 100% of the time. I also have one DD with my DH. We did not move in together until she was six months old, because of the difficulty in blending our families. And when we did - oh my god. My DSCs are teens and so are somewhat more self-sufficient than smaller kids - but the changes to my life have been STAGGERING. It's everything - the work, the worry, the losses of time and privacy and social life and concentration for work... My DP is here and is very involved both with the kids and with the household tasks - and it is still very tough. You may also find yourself dealing (as I have) with kids with "issues", with their father away so much, and that will make more demands on you - and yes, take away from your DS.

I don't mean to sound negative, but please don't underestimate what an adjustment this will be for you and especially your DS - and for the DSCs, too.

Brdgrl, I second what you are saying.

The adjustment is staggering, staggering beyond belief, and impossible too predict or foresee any problems. All the ones we predicted didn't happen, and ones we didn't did.

The one that really staggered us, was I used expensive shampoo for my hair, and used to keep it in the bedroom rather than the bathroom. Eldest DSS went MAD aboutthis . Really mad, it took about a year for this to be resolved! So small and insignificant and impossible to predict.

It took two of us 7 months to resolve this. Dp had to do all the talking as sometimes it HAS to come from the natural parent. You will have 3 dssc without your dp. My concern would also be for your ds who will feel swamped and will need a lot of mummy time.

My DS found it tough when my DP and his DC's moved in with us. It definitely helped having DP there - it enabled us to have our own time with our kids. It would have been a much harder transition if DP had not been there - you will be there main carer and you will struggle to give your DS special time - and ease him into this new family situation... it can work - but as other mums have said it needs time -with ALL of you together.... Now - a few years on - I could cope with my DP going away for a few months x

I think perhaps the best way to understand is like this.

When you move in together no matter how long you have been together and no matter how well you all get on, you are different families, and I think it's fair to say that you remain seprerate families for some time. The melding and blurring together happens very very gradually. This period of readjustment takes a lot of time for EVERYONE. I cried every night for the first 3 months, and I had a lovely supportive dp and 2 very very easy scc It is slow, halting and disruptive and I once read somewhere that blended families need more pyschologial space than normal families which I think is very very true. You must have your dp's support during this.

One word of advice, if you do move in, your ds must have his own room. He is used to beingon his own, and will find it very traumatic to suddenly have to share.

Can I just clarify? If you don't step in here, are you saying your DP will have to put his children in care? Is his choice between his job or his dc?

OP- Surely your DP wouldn't put his 3 children, with no mother
around, into care for the sake of his career? Would you want to marry a man who put his career over his own 3 children? It wouldn't bode well for how he is likely to treat his new wife and his new step
son would it.

That's what I wondered Jabber. Unless I got hold of the wrong end of the stick?

OP, has the mother passed away?

Just a point about the forces, you can't always leave at the drop of a hat, even if it would leave your children in a predicament. You often need to give at least a year's notice.

Is it literally as black and White as you portray; would the children really need to go into care if you weren't around when he gets posted? Would no other relatives help?

I come from a forces back ground - dad and all brothers in forces - so I realise you don't get to pick and choose your postings.

But the one positive in all this - if you decide to go ahead with this, at least you'd be in charge of the household during your DP's absence, you wouldn't have to deal with Disney parenting or a manipulative ex ......

In extremely exceptional circumstances (such as someone's 3 children being taken into care in order to work because their mother passed away) he'd be able to get out of giving his year notice on welfare grounds.

I have 3dsc and 2dd. both dh and I are forces. A point that has not yet been raised is that your dsc will need extra support during the deployment of dad.not only is he away, but in their mind in constant danger. My dsc worried like mad about me in Bosnia and afghan. Might have outed myself here :)