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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Becoming a blended family, how to ensure my ds still gets 'mummy' time

38 replies

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 17:00

Getting married next year, i have 1 ds 24/7, my fiancee has 3 ds 24/7. We're all (mostly) happy! Previously it has always just been me and my ds, ie, he's not had to share me. He can't wait for us all to move in and be part of a big family. He has coped very well with sharing me with the other 3 kids ( one in particular sticks to me like glue). We stay most weekends at my partners. My ds does get a bit jealous of one of the other kids so i do try to share myself, however my ds has plenty of time with just me at the moment.

I guess i'm just concerned he may get lost in the crowd and not get enough 'mummy' time. I may just be worrying about something that may not happen and he may feel the benefits of being in a large family outweigh this. But how can i make sure he gets time with me when he needs/wants it. He's 9, i work, and ultimately i will be responsible for all kids up tk 6 months at a time on my own, 2 of which will be too young to leave alone while myself and my ds go for a walk etc.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

purpleroses · 16/07/2012 17:35

You'll be on your own with them up to 6 months at at a time? Or have I misread that? Surely your DP isn't leaving you all for 6 months is he? Or do you mean you'll be on your own with them until 6pm each day?

If you can't leave the kids alone, you can get them settled into some activity (eg watching a film) that doesn't take too much input at some points in time to make some time with your DS.

My DD is nearly 9 and does find it hard sharing me with the new DSC - lots of reassurance, hugs, and making some time together seems to be working best.

Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 20:43

Purple - yes i do mean 6 months at a time, its down to his job

Do you live with your step kids full time?

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theredhen · 16/07/2012 21:11

Oh my goodness, I think your dp is asking a lot to expect you take on his three children for six months at a time! Who looks after them up to this point whilst he is away with work?

As for getting any time with your own child, I don't feel like I get hardly any quality time with my ds and most weeks my dsc aren't here all the time.

It's very hard to ask young children to go find something else todo whilst you do something with your ds, kids pick up on the fact that you want quality time with your child and cling to you all the more through all sorts of behaviour.

Like so many on here, I would go back to having the best of both worlds, control of my life, time with my ds, my house rules whilst also getting time as part of a big family with other children for ds to mix with.

If you do decide to move in, you need to have a decent amount of time without step children every week, have you got anyone who could give you that break?

NotaDisneyMum · 16/07/2012 21:13

What happens to his DCs while he is away at the moment?

Kaluki · 16/07/2012 21:17

Six months???
I would struggle having mine for 6 hours!
You need to make a plan now before you move in.
Who looks after them now? Can you keep this arrangement in place (even partly) so that you and your ds aren't overwhelmed by the others.
It is a LOT to ask of you (and your ds) to have 6 months at a time looking after his dc.
Good luck

orangeandlemons · 16/07/2012 21:18

Woah! That's a big task, 3 sdc full time on your own for 6 months!

I truly think your dp needs to find some way of not doing this at first. Be prepared for the fact that you and your ds may feel desperate for space and me time if that is what you are used to. You need your dp to provide this for you.

We had 3 with us full time, it takes a lot of adjustment. Sorry to have a downer, I don't want that at all, but I do think you need to think very carefully about whatyou are taking on. How does your dp do his job at the moment? Does he leave his dc for 6 months?

orangeandlemons · 16/07/2012 21:20

My tip, would be to rent out both your houses and move into rented acomodation together to trial everything.

3 dsc on your own for 6 months is a mammoth task, in ways you just can't appreciate unless you've done it

Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 21:59

Redhen - what do you call a decent amount of time?

He's managed to not go away for a while so there isn't a back up. However we know that the likelihood is he will have to work away mon - fri, i could move with him, however i think this would be worse as i'd have to give up my good job and support network i have. With the likelihood of him then having to go overseas for 6 mths and me not knowing anyone/or working etc. its slowly dawning on me, i'm mad aren't i!

OP posts:

theredhen · 16/07/2012 22:09

Well, at least an evening every week. You're not their mum, you won't feel the same about them as your own, at least not for years if you ever do. But you will feel resentment if you are deprived of something you've come to take for granted.

Being a parent of 4 kids, working full time on your own would be incredibly hard if they were your own kids but being a step parent is the hardest thing I've ever done, far harder than being a single parent.

To be honest I'm a bit shocked your partner wants to leave his full time kids for six months anyway. There mum isn't around and their dad is going to leave them for six months. I'm sure you're lovely but you're not even living together yet and he's suggesting this.

And to answer your question - yes I think you are!

orangeandlemons · 16/07/2012 22:11

Can I ask about your job? Do you think it will be possible to do your job and look after 4 dc on your own as well?

Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 22:12

Thanks redhen. My partner doesn't have a choice, its his job - military

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Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 22:13

Orange - i intend to, yes!

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JabberJay · 16/07/2012 22:16

Wow! There's taking on step kids an there's taking on step kids. I think you must be incredibly kind and unselfish to even contemplate doing this- or maybe just a little bonkers :)

So the 6 months at a time bit is not a regular often thing?

As others have asked who currently has the dsc whilst he works away Mon-Fri? I can see it causing all sorts of problems if their mum is still
in their lives and you're being left with them for 6 months at a time!

If he's forces and this relationship is really want you want then why not move and travel with him? How on Earth will you cope keeping your job with your ds and 3 dsc to look after single handedly anyway?

ajandjjmum · 16/07/2012 22:16

What happens to his DC now Stepmum?

JabberJay · 16/07/2012 22:20

Sorry, oops- I see he is forces. Who has dsc for him at the moment?

If you really want him and want to be with him and want the kids to have time as a family (incldong your ds) it seems you need to be willing to quit your job (work from home an option in your job?) and move as he is posted around. The kids will love it, a great adventure, especially overseas postings. It's hard enough trying to keep military job and civi lifestyle, imagine how hard it will be with 3 dsc as well! They'll hardly ever see dad and you'll hardly ever see him. If it's what you want then don't do it by halves, go for it!

NotaDisneyMum · 16/07/2012 22:22

It is a huge consideration for a two parent family to subject their DCs to the upheaval of a 6 month absence of one parent - your DP is proposing to do this as a single parent, with no extended family support, leaving his DCs with his partner that he doesn't yet live with!

Just from a practical perspective - is he proposing that you secure PR for his DCs? Is that possible? Is it something you want?

I cannot see how it would be possible to prioritise your DS over your DSC in that set of circumstances - even if you had some scheduled Mum-and-son time - what if one of the DSC was ill, or had other commitments? I can imagine the resentment that would build between DCs if a DSC missed out on an activity or event so that you and your DS could have some one to one time.

Not only that, but if their Dad going away comes soon after you move in - you and your DS will, undoubtedly, be held responsible for that, and both have it thrown at you on occasion.

Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 22:23

Jabber - yes i'm bonkers

He doesn't work away at the moment but he's due a move next year. I could go with him to the new station which would be okay whilst he's around but when he's deployed i think that would be harder.

I intend to carry on working, i work part time and he will still get leave so kids sickness/holiday would need to be shared. As it is i've always covered it on my own.

OP posts:

theredhen · 16/07/2012 22:24

Yes, what happens to the children now if dp goes away? How old are the kids? Do the kids see the mum at all and if not, what is the situation?

I think if we understand the bigger picture, we can truly confirm if you're mad or not.

NotaDisneyMum · 16/07/2012 22:26

I know of several lone parents in your DPs position who have chosen boarding school as an option; is this something he has considered?

orangeandlemons · 16/07/2012 22:27

Can I just come in here. I really really don't want to piddle on your parade. BUT I do think you need to be aware of some things here. I hope it means you can plan for a happier future with your dp.

I am a stepmother to two(very easy dc). When I met my dp I had ds(also very easy). when we moved in together I had a lot of shocks.

My ds felt very overwhelmed by my dsc. He was an only, they were two, and were a team. This was quite an isolating experience for my ds. So your ds will need you more than normal. Kids fight all the time, his 3 are usedto it, your's isn't

At first we did tend to retreat into terratorial camps. My ds and I versus dp and his. This took a long time to settle

I often felt like an alien living with people I didn't really know. This was quite hard.

All of the above passed in time (about 18 months) but it is very very hard at first. And you will be dealing with this on your own with his confused and alienated dc, plus your own ds, plus your own feelings.

It is all workable and mangeable, but you need the support of dp a lot at first for everyone's sake not just yours. For about 2 years I would say tbh

Sorry. Other people may think differently, but I am just trying to get you to think about what is involved

Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 22:30

Redhen, he hasn't gone away for a while and has been at the same base working in the main regular hours. His family has helped with childcare (however due to illness this had now stopped) and he has a childminder. However, the military will only keep you in one place in a regular job for so long before moving you on. There is no mother around.

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orangeandlemons · 16/07/2012 22:30

And the housework! I have a dp who is totally domesticated, but I couldn't believe the amount of housework especially the washing!

Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 22:33

Orange, i appreciate your view, that is exactly why i posted here, i want some others experience to help me understand the future obstacles i will need to overcome. My fiancee may be able to apply to stay a bit longer and i think i may need to insist on this!

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 16/07/2012 22:33

So, what would his plan be for his DCs if you weren't in the picture?

Perhaps that should be your starting point and build your blended family around that?

Original poster

Stepmumm · 16/07/2012 22:34

Oranges, i've already insisted on an ironing service!

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