Different parent different rules?

[JabberJay]

Just wanted to get some opinions and advice on this one.

Dss is 4, he lives with us and his mother around half the time.

I took dss out a few weeks ago and a little boy pushed him. He came over and told me. He wasn't hurt so I told him to stay away from the child, if he does it again he's to say loudly "stop I don't like that" and tell me right away so if it continued I could find an speak with his parents. We were at soft play. Dss told me that mummy says he should do back what the child does to him. So if they push you then you push them, if they hit you then you hit them back and should he hit him back? I told him not to hit back otherwise he too would be in trouble. I didn't want to undermine his mothers "rules" but in that situation I felt I didn't have a choice.

Later I obviously explained it all to DP. He was as confused as I and assumed that Dss had misheard his mum and got the wrong idea. Later in the week we had another incident where a friend pushed him an he pushed her back. Again dss said mummy said to do it back.

Anyway. DP and EX don't speak directly. They do always write a "report/diary" after each block of days that dss is with each of us, what he's been doing, concerns etc. DP mentioned this hitting back behaviour to her and asked her to speak to dss. When we next had Dss at our house she replied via the diary that she had indeed told him to hit back if a child persistantly hurt him, but only it it was more than once (how confusing for a 4 yr old) as she doesn't want him to get bullied at school. He starts reception in September.

So, DP and I have no choice but to undermine his mums rules as far as we see it. Am I really uninformed or is this just a really crap thing to teach a child? God knows what else she might teach him as he grows up.

Anyone else had similar problems? What do/did you do?

Unless your DP and his ex can communicate, then he has no choice but to parallel parent - that is, parent his child in the way he believes is best, with no reference or comparison to his ex's way of doing things.

It is a model that isn't considered best for the DCs and rarely works long term. If your DP and his ex can't get their act together and resolve their differences, then sooner or later it is inevitable that a court will end up making the decision as to which parent becomes the DCs primary residence.

There is loads of info and research about parallel parenting on the web if you google - hopefully, if he reads it, he'll try his best to engage and compromise with his ex for the DCs sakes, even if that means he doesn't share ALL aspects of their life. If she won't reciprocate, then maybe mediation would help?

I have just seen another of your posts complaining about your dp ex using a childminder you don't know. You seem to be getting hung up on underlining the difference between your superior parenting and hers. You really need to stop looking for problems and focus on the time you have with the dc. If you continue this constant carping to her via your book you will make the relationship so bad that shared parenting will break down and this won't be in the interests of your step child. You seem to be determined to prove the ex to be a rubbish parent. Do you feel insecure with your partner?

You really have no right to undermine her rules she is his mother, and self defense is a legal right shes not actually telling him anything wrong.

My mother taught me to hit back if someone persistently hits me, I'm not a thug nor are the many of thousands of people who were taught that. Its very different to condoning violence .at that age peers retaliating can be the only way they learn that their actions have consequences.

You seem to undermine her parenting a lot if I was her I would get sick pretty quickly, and would have informed my EX p pretty soon that if you didn't show respect his childs visits would stop.

Whilst I agree that I would never tell a child it was ok to hit back, I still think you should keep quiet and stop seeking a row with your partners ex.

"God knows what else she will teach him". Urgh! Argh!

Hells bells.

You obviously know best OP. You are the authority. You are so rational and right.

At least in your mind.

I don't think her way is that unusual. I feel very sorry for this child, there seems to be constant conflict and undermining between the lot of you (well certainly from your end). I fail to understand this shared residence in a situation such as yours. The poor child must be so confused.

OP I think you spend way too much time thinking about this.

Who is to say what is the right response? Personally I don't condone violence, but I wouldn't blame anyone for hitting out in self defence.
Its about time your DP and his ex started communicating with each other like the adults they are supposed to be as this problem will arise over and over again and their child will end up one confused little boy.
I think you need to stay out of it really. I often feel a bit over things my stepdc come out with but they aren't mine so its not my place to correct them.

In my opinion, this is a really crap thing to teach a child. BUT... it is a matter of opinion and there is clearly a problem because his mother and father BOTH have equal rights and therefore equal rights to an opinion, but they don't talk to each other so there is a real risk the child will end up confused.

If I were you, I would try to stay out of things like this, get your DP to handle the conversations with the child to ensure you don't run the risk of criticising his parent and try to encourage your partner and his ex to talk stuff like this through.