Now what do I do?!

[Lilypad34]

Bit of background, Fiancé has an daughter (8) we have been together for almost 5 yrs and about 9 months ago I moved in. We're getting married in December. I have a good relationship with SD most of the time and we have her 50/50. I don't have much if anything to do with the ex.

Ex has by her own admission problems coping with dsd from what I have seen this is because both she and dp have allowed her to do as she pleases whenever she likes. Now as she's got older shes become more demanding and more attention seeking. Without droning on forever, dp & I said that we would decide together in our home our rules and discipline.

If dsd is naughty we remove 30 mins off her bedtime, this now works after nights of screaming tantrums because we were united and very calm about it. There's no shouting I don't believe in arguing with a child and slowly she's accepting the boundaries we have set.

I stopped the amount of tv she was watching because it seemed that's all she did and instead I do 'girly time' and we do have a lot of fun. Her dad also has 1-1 time with her and we also do a lot as a family. I work away every other month and when I get back we have to start all over again simply because dp was too tired to stick to our agreement or she wouldn't stop going on and on. I'm so pissed off because it was hard work to get to where we've got she went from being a demanding and in your face madam to a lovely, kind a sweet child. Actually enjoying herself.

I'm going home in a couple of days and from the conversations we have had its clear she's reverted and now probably knows dads a soft touch without me.

I'm already knackered from being away a month and she will be at home for the first 2 weeks of my time at home. Question is, how do we start again without me losing my rag?!!

This is yet another DisneyDad problem - he clearly isn't parenting his DD because he thinks it is the right thing to do, he is doing it because you want him to, and as soon as your back is turned, he reverts to DisneyDad!

The only thing I found that worked was ultimatums - I suggest you consider very carefully whether you are prepared to marry a man who doesn't understand the importance of parenting his daughter, despite the fact that he can see the behaviour it results in.

Why not tell him that until he can demonstrate his commitment to parenting in a consistent and appropriate way, that you have agreed on, you won't commit further to the relationship?

Step back, stop "parenting" his DC for him, and wait for him to demonstrate his ability to follow through on the commitment he has made to you, and more importantly, the commitment that he should have to his daughter to raise her to become a happy, confident person who makes a positive contribution to society.

Agree with NADM.
My DP is the same and I have realised that I can't parent his dc for him.
I am constantly amazed that such an intelligent man he can't see that his Disneying is what makes his dc so awful. He thinks it's only me that control them but the bottom line is that it is laziness on his part that makes them like they are.
So I detach. When they are horrible I walk away. My dc have started to do the same as they struggle with their spoilt nasty ways too. It's not ideal but the only way I can cope.
I would give him a shock. Call a halt on the wedding plans until hecan make the effort to parent his own child - after all you don't want a lifetime of this do you?

Another agreeing with NADM and Kaluki.
It is very disappointing when you think you have made such progress, and then the DisneyDad fails to keep it up once he doesn't have the constant support/nagging/reinforcement/whatever.

My family lives overseas, and once a year I take a lengthy trip home. I hate the feeling that in my absence, all the work we have both put in with the kids, and all the effort and energy put into creating a healthier family dynamic, is just 'too much' for DH, and things are allowed to slide. He and the DSCs are away for ten days right now, and he knows he needs to stick to the family rules and to the boundaries we've agreed on - he has gotten better at this over time, but I know it is still a challenge for him and frankly, I am very anxious about how it will go. Not a nice feeling.

So, yes, ultimatum, I'm afraid. Don't move forward until this is sorted.

We've talked at length and he says he knows I'm right..I'm afraid I was none too kind and told him to get a backbone and behave as a parent not a people pleaser, that it wasn't his job to be dsd friend it's his job to parent until she's an adult. Another thing I've discovered is that ex wants to take dsd to more therapy. I'm so irritated because what they both fail to see is that unless dsd's environment changes nothing will help dsd. Ex plays the helpless card continually and I'm at the point where of I bite my tongue any longer it'll bleed! I know he keeps me away from his ex because he knows I will say something!

I have told him I refuse to commit myself to a lifetime of struggle over parenting issues. I often do walk away but it's my home too and I shouldn't have to deal with her screaming her head off because she's been told no! He's never had anyone to stand up for him or someone who supports him so I think he's taken me for granted long enough!

Seems to me he is showing you what he really thinks - his agreeing with you and doing it your way when you are around is just lip service. The way he parents her when you are not there is the way he and the child's mother have chosen to parent.

Now you have a choice to make. Do you want to marry a man who parents this way and with a child who has been, and is going to be, raised like this?