Long story so will try to summarise. ExDH and I split when DS was 2 yo. We split care between us initially and then when DS started pre-school, it was closer to exDh so DS spent the week with his dad and Friday to Sunday with me. Worked well for all, exDh and I always amicable, never a bad word said about either parent etc.
I remarried, have two dc's, exDh did likewise, also 2 dc's. There were obviously reasons that we split - exDh was never around much and that continues today. He works (or if you listen to gossip) goes to the pub most evenings/tries it on with most females in the vicinity. The relationship my DS (now 14) has with his Step -Mum is strained. Pure speculation but she seems to struggle given the absence of my exDh, something the dcs have witnessed arguements about. As time as gone on, she seems to take her frustration out on my DS. Don't get me wrong, he is a teenager so I am not suggesting perfection but he has admitted that there are times when he worries about what he is coming home to and that obviously makes him very unhappy.
This seems to be escalating and whereas a few months ago, DS confessed that he had been considering asking if he could live with me full time, he couldn't stand the thought of leaving his db and DS alone with her. He also didn't know how his Dad would feel.
More recently though, he has admitted that his Dad is at home very little and he is not sure that he would actually mind that much. This has been heart-breaking to hear because that is an awful thought /realisation for any child. DS admits that he can tell he has started to 'push back' when his SM starts having a go because he thought if it got really bad he would have an excuse to say he wants to leave.
I have been round in circles trying to decide what to do for the best. We have discussed ways to be understanding of the situation to perhaps reduce the attacks on him, we have considered talking to exDh but the concern is that when exDh has ever told SM to back off, it only happens whilst he is around but she is even worse when he isn't and unfortunately that is quite a lot of the time.
DS starts Year 10 in September and needs to support and a stable environment - I can't stand that he is this upset. I know I have to accept that I only have his word for it and stories can be massaged but some of her behaviour is something that I and others have witnessed so I can not say I am surprised.
How long do you keep doing something that you thought was for the good of your DS so that he had access to both parents if it feels detrimental?
Possibly hopelessly over-reacting but temptation to haul him out of there overwhelming - he is so kind hearted and always puts everyone else's feelings before his own, it just doesn't seem fair.