When DH's ex is going bust... (sorry bit long)

[flowinguphill]

DH and I have a 3 yr old DS. DH has 3 DCs by his first marriage, one is grown up, but 2 are school age. Normally we have these 2 DCs each weekend.

His ex, is, we believe going bankrupt. She decided the 3 DCs had to have private education, DH has disagreed all along, but she insisted, she has paid for schooling. She is now on verge of bankruptcy and struggling to pay fees - and the DCs are in exam years. We cannot afford to pay - and do not agree with private education for the DCs. We think they would be better going to a state school - and not having such stress in their (mother's) life.

The results of the problems are:
2 DCs are behaving hideously to DH, often refusing to see him, and one in particular has screamed abuse at him on several occasions.
The DCs are monumentally stressed and we believe that home life is one argument after another.
2 DCs say that I am the cause of all the problems (can only imagine that ex has told them that DH would pay but I'm not allowing him too, or that as he has a new family now he doesn't care about them)

(This week - it'll be another issue next week) I would like advice on how to respond to the screaming. One DSD screams obscene language at DH, will not listen, responds only with arrogant, vicious, streams of abuse. I confess I have once resorted at shouting back, which I regret. I cannot stand this behaviour infront of our DS (age 3) - if I'd spoken to my father that way, I cannot even imagine the punishment I would have received.

Also how do we get DSDs to discuss changing schools. They would rather their mother lose her house than they change school.

Also how do I continue to welcome them into my home when they've said they hate me and that I'm the cause of all the problems (DH was v vocal in putting them straight on this but I've no idea if they 'heard' - they do seem to be 'brainwashed' by their mother). I have tried all along to be as welcoming as possible - but now at the back of my mind will always be that they hate me.

We both know that they are the victims of a situation caused by their mother's decisions. But we have to try to guide them in a direction we believe would be a lot better for them.

All advice very welcome, please be gentle as I'm new to this and this is my first post...
And thanks!

"we cannot afford to pay" in the context of not agreeing in principle with private education could mean many things. I cannot afford a £10k handbag but if one of my DC needed a £10k treatment for something the money would be found.

In which category do you fall: 1) not even if we remortgaged the house or 2) at a push if I sold my new car and we cancelled skiing, because my answer would be different depending on your circumstances.

Either way your DH has a duty to his DDs to do his best by them and given that they are in exam years I'm afraid that does mean doing his best to ensure continuity of education.

You need to cut your SDD's some slack as they are probably distraught at the changes facing them.

...Or maybe in one of the many other categories...we don't own a house, we haven't had a new car in seven years, we don't OWN a car, we have never been skiing in our lives, etc etc.

I'm obviously living in a different universe from some of the posters here. Sorry, but 'continuity of education' and private schooling is a privilege (at best), not a necessity. The kids, if they are in exam years, are old enough to understand that their family is going through a rough time. Frankly, they are old enough not to act like spoilt brats but to talk honestly about their disapointment and face the facts. They sound like they have been very lucky so far, and this is hardly the sort of thing which is going to ruin their lives, no matter how much it feels like that to a teenager.

Agree brdgrl.
These kids sound so entitled and spoilt.
Surely they are old enough to understand that times are hard for a lot of people now and they should be grateful for the privileges they have had so far. Why should the op and her DH stretch themselves financially to appease these badly behaved kids.

Agree Brdgrl if times are hard but I think the OP needs to define "hard" when she is implied that they wouldn't pay regardless of cost.

Because if dad could afford it then he is being an arsehole.

((((I'm also intrigued by the set of circumstances that enable a mother to afford a considerable sum in school fees and then suddenly can't....did she abruptly lose a well paying job or was maintenance reduced...))))

He is an arsehole if the can afford school feed but won't pay because he never agreed to it . By your reckoning DHs ex could enrol their Dd in public school against his wishes, than after a month say she can't afford it and DH would have to pay up (as he could afford ONE set of fees) otherwise he's an areshole! Charming.

You are exaggerating, HRN. These dcs haven't just started at a new school, they've been there for years.

Bit confused by the 'exam year' thing though, thinking about it - we are at the end of term now, in what way is this an immediate crisis? Either they have already taken their GCSEs/A-levels or they aren't going to take them until next year?

Yes I am as others are wont to do in step parenting issues. Even if it was a few years. If he hadn't agreed to it in the first place, why should he step in? Otherwise RPs could arbitrarily make decisions that affect the financial state of the NRP household whenever they wished!

Er he should step in (if he can afford to do so) because ultimately that is what would be best for his children and that is kind of what this parenting lark is all about.

Have to say though this all sounds very odd...

because the children come first before the petty squabbles of adults, HerRoyal. IF the dh can afford it, his kids come before his sense of 'wah! I didn't agree to this'. If the mother was doing something that harmed the children, their needs would come before her side of the argument just the same.

Still want OP to come back and clarify the exam years thing, though.

Agree with what Sara & Edam are saying. It isn't about your personal views on private school, the point is they're in it now & you have to do what's best for the kids. I had to change schools half-way through a-levels (a long time ago) and it really ruined my grades because the exam boards were different, had to re-take all modules from the first year etc. Really really is worth avoiding if at all possible because those grades are on your CV forever and will affect their chances of getting into uni, job prospects, etc. Those girls are right to be scared, and fear makes people (especially teenagers) angry. It's the move from one school to another that matters here, not the fact that it would be from private to state. So I agree, do whatever you possibly can to get them through the next exams before you move them. If you can't say that you did everything you could, they may never forgive you. (It wasn't their choice to go to this school either, it was their mother's, so don't punish them for her mistakes)

This kind of situation is no win for all the people, especially the children, involved; it requires that the needs of the half-siblings are compared and somehow prioritised.

Whereas if the DC's were all full-siblings, both parents would have the same commitment to them - in this case, the mother of the older DCs has a greater commitment to them, and the OP has a greater commitment to her own DC, so reaching a compromise is almost impossible. How can their Dad decide which DC's should make sacrifices for the other?

This is one of the minefields of blended families - particularly when finances become integrated. Should a step-mum financially contribute to her step-children beyond the commitment within her own home? Is a SM in any way financially responsible for her DSC, not only by handing over the cash from her own income, but also through taking on more financial responsibility for the shared household and child?

NotaDisneyMum, interesting questions. As a SM, I dont believe I am in any way financially responsible for my SDC. I am not their parent. I would never refuse them a home or see them go seriously without, but I am not responsible for financially bailing out my SDC's mum due to her bad choices/her poor financial planning, even if it impacts on SDC.

I would do my best to support DH and SDC if they were facing changes as a result of something like this, but my income would not be a resource available for consideration in these circumstances. Sounds quite harsh written down, but I couldnt let my DC go without to fund lifestyle choices for DSC and their mum. And for me, private education is a lifestyle choice.