When DH's ex is going bust... (sorry bit long)

[flowinguphill]

DH and I have a 3 yr old DS. DH has 3 DCs by his first marriage, one is grown up, but 2 are school age. Normally we have these 2 DCs each weekend.

His ex, is, we believe going bankrupt. She decided the 3 DCs had to have private education, DH has disagreed all along, but she insisted, she has paid for schooling. She is now on verge of bankruptcy and struggling to pay fees - and the DCs are in exam years. We cannot afford to pay - and do not agree with private education for the DCs. We think they would be better going to a state school - and not having such stress in their (mother's) life.

The results of the problems are:
2 DCs are behaving hideously to DH, often refusing to see him, and one in particular has screamed abuse at him on several occasions.
The DCs are monumentally stressed and we believe that home life is one argument after another.
2 DCs say that I am the cause of all the problems (can only imagine that ex has told them that DH would pay but I'm not allowing him too, or that as he has a new family now he doesn't care about them)

(This week - it'll be another issue next week) I would like advice on how to respond to the screaming. One DSD screams obscene language at DH, will not listen, responds only with arrogant, vicious, streams of abuse. I confess I have once resorted at shouting back, which I regret. I cannot stand this behaviour infront of our DS (age 3) - if I'd spoken to my father that way, I cannot even imagine the punishment I would have received.

Also how do we get DSDs to discuss changing schools. They would rather their mother lose her house than they change school.

Also how do I continue to welcome them into my home when they've said they hate me and that I'm the cause of all the problems (DH was v vocal in putting them straight on this but I've no idea if they 'heard' - they do seem to be 'brainwashed' by their mother). I have tried all along to be as welcoming as possible - but now at the back of my mind will always be that they hate me.

We both know that they are the victims of a situation caused by their mother's decisions. But we have to try to guide them in a direction we believe would be a lot better for them.

All advice very welcome, please be gentle as I'm new to this and this is my first post...
And thanks!

Maples - thank you. DH has tried on numerous occasions to explain why he/we can't pay, and we have tried discussing fears but only to rebuttals.

Will try agreeing re toddler - it's hard to know what to do at the time it happens, often in the car. Do I ignore - do I respond calmly - do I talk instead directly to toddler to reassure him?

We both find it particularly difficult to deal with 'child logic' or at least to get them to listen to/ consider our logic...

Still at least we try to discuss, and 'act as one'

Thanks

How long have they left at school if they are in exam years? If it is just one or two years would it be worth trying to fund it to save the disruption. Your DH and his ex could also go into the school to see if there is help with fees available. It would really be a kindness to the children to save more disruption in their lives.

It may not be the mother that is blaming you, I blamed my step dad for everything. looking back now as an adult my mum, dad and step mum were the cause of all my problems. Step dad was 100% blameless and a really wonderful person. Nobody influenced me to blame him at the time, I just did.

I also think you need a change of perspective, you shouldn't feel you have to welcome them into your home, do you welcome your toddler or is it his home? if the house is your DH's home then it should also be home to all his children equally, they are not outsiders.

If she were to go bankrupt and the children are in exam years the trustee in bankruptcy may agree school fees as a necessary expense for the exW and allow her to keep that portion of her income aside from any IPO so as not to disrupt the children's schooling. She may be making a mountain out of nothing here.

Has anyone tried asking the school for bursaries? That's one of the things they are for

Swatchdog I think that may be optimistic - the Trustee would look at essential income and private school fees are rarely regarded as essential, there would have to be some kind of special circumstances for that to be the case. Not sure that being in exam years is special enough, tbh. Info here on what is included in considerations - private school fees not even discussed as a possibility.

Can she think of an alternative to bankruptcy? Has she taken any legal/insolvency advice to see whether she could do an IVA?

In terms of dealing with the fall out from the children, OP, I think calm and consistent reasoning in the face of the abusive behaviour. Perhaps your DH could write to his children if they really are not listening to/digesting what he is saying about your inability to afford it.

If school is one stable thing in their lives at the moment, pulling them out to send to a different one in the middle of exam courses is not going to be a good move.Speak to the school regarding bursary help . Can you afford to make any contribution at all to the fees in the short term.

Okay. Sorry but first as the Step mother I think you need to step out of this.
Second if they are in exam years, then changing school is a very very bad idea. It doesn't depend on your personal beliefs it just is. Their mother should be approaching the schools to see if there are any form of bursaries or other help available.

I think you need to remove yourself and you DC from situations where they are being abusive to their father. He needs to deal with this.

Surely your DH should be speaking to his ex about this? You're assuming she's close to bankruptcy, but everything you know appears to be second-hand. Where DC are concerned it's essential that former partners communicate. Is your DH's relationship with his ex so poor that they have no communication? Getting the real story would be my first starting point.

When you say they're in exam years do you mean they're due to sit A levels and GCSEs next summer? It really sounds like your DH and his ex need to decide how to handle this and what is best for the DC. You say you can't pay, so will the DC need to start at state schools in Sept?

No wonder the DC are so angry and fearful if the adults aren't speaking and their future is all up in the air. Your DH and his ex need to decide what is going to happen and it needs to be explained to the DC. They may no longer be married, but they still have joint parental responsibility for these DC.

And, I'm sorry, but you need to step back. I'm not a step-parent, but I am a step-child and if I'd felt either of my step-parents were having a serious say in something like my schooling I'd have felt angry and resentful.

I agree that moving schools at exam time is something to be avoided at all costs. It doesn't matter whether they go to a private school, grammar school or local school. Moving them will mean that they fall behind where they should have been, although hopefully only temporarily.

However, their private schooling wasn't OP and their fathers choice, it was their Mothers and unfortunately you are now living with the consequences of her bad choices.

I think you need to keep telling the kids that you can't afford to pay for them to finish their education in their current school but could make some concessions in the form of being more pro-active in their education when they move. Giving more support with coursework, ensuring they join after school clubs etc, go and talk to the school about your and their fears etc. I think you need to stop talking about your views on private education, so that they can see you are not paying because you can't and not because of your views.

There have been several cases in the past when a county court judge has allowed school fees in exam years as necessary expenditure, so it's not that optimistic, Madam - though I'll agree it's unusual. It's also possible to get the school to help in these circumstances, though again isn't the norm.

I'd imagine that the loss of their house (I assume it is owned by the exW) would be more of an issue than changing schools though.

Would you be able to offer to help pay until the current exams are taken, but - assuming the younger one is doing GCSEs - look to move to a state sixth form?

But most private schools offer bursaries - so would look into that. Would have thought that teenagers in the mid of exams whose mum is going bankrupt would be absolutely top of their list for bursaries.

Would you be able to offer to help pay until the current exams are taken

purpleroses - if the OP is talking about a further year of private education for two children the cost could easily be in the region of £20-40k!

OP - would the grandparents on either side be in a position to help out, at least for the next year?

We too have had one of the SS's causing ructions because we refused to pay for something. It is quite horrible.

On the practical side - is anyone close to exw (or DH) a freemason - they do provide help sometimes with school fees etc if something has happened within the family.

Typical mumsnet!

Dad disagrees to private school as he can't afford it, mum insists and goes ahead anyway, mum gets into trouble financially, dad can't afford to to take over school fees, dad is clearly responsible and letting down his children sorry but most people do not have a spare £20000+ sitting around!

That said, I do understand your dsd's feelings. I was taken out of private school when my parents moved back from abroad and it was horrible. It was embarrassing that we couldn't afford to stay, which is important when you're a teenager and it was difficult settling into a new school as the 'posh kids'. We just had to get on with it though, there was no option!

Sounds horrible, poor you. Was wondering if the oldest dc, the grown up, would be able to talk to them with your DH?. He/she might be mature enough to get the financial point across.

Shame their private school didn't teach them any manners!!!
If you can't afford it then you can't. They will have to just get over it!
I fail to see how this is your fault!
But then as a stepmum you are always in the wrong by default

Olibean

I havent seen a single poster saying that. Just sympathy or practical advice

Wow, I keep re-reading. And will do...

I'm only involved in schooling in that DH discusses his thoughts with me, and it does really take the two of us to create (over hours/ days) an atmosphere where they might talk/listen. but I try as much as possible to give the 3 of them time without me to discuss.

Similarly when DSD kicks off I do try to remove 3 yr old, not always possible.

WkdSM I'm glad she's not unique in causing ructions.
olibeansmummy I do understand their feelings too - they're just being so hideous they're losing my sympathy/empathy at the mo.

I just look for support/advice as a step parent, as I found the last weekend, the arguments and the anger scary. Most of the other stepmums I know think I'm amazing at it, and I thought I was doing pretty well with the DSC only to discover...

Its a shame, but a life lesson that changes happen that we can't control for. If they have to go to a new school could you possibly afford a private tutor once a week to help them with any transitions? For example different schools may be studying different texts for English exams.

Be supportive to DP but don't speak directly to the SDC's or his ExP about this if you can at all avoid it, it doesn't matter what you say to them they will think its wrong if they are in that state of mind. I would say to DP though to remind the kids not to upset their little brother, and remind them that little brother will not have private school either.

Also OP, I wouldn't be surprised one bit if they haven't told their mum they hate her too, I wouldn't take that to heart at all. My DD says it to me every time she is told "no."

If DSD's are doing exams I am guessing that they are 14+, at that age I might be tempted to show them a bank statement to prove to them that you are not just being nasty, you really can't afford it. Tell DP to tell them them you would like to treat them like young adults and discuss the matter rationally but it is impossible to do so if they do not behave like young adults.

Ask them to write down what the problems would be of changing schools and go through the list one by one. I think putting things down on paper is a great way for anyone to work out their feelings.

If they are ashamed of not being able to pay, get them to read some info about the recession and show how everyone is affected, there is no shame in this.

If it is loss of friends, discuss methods of keeping in touch with friends, and how you might go about making new ones.

so on...

Make sure you know that you and DP are there to support them, but that you will only discuss issues if they behave like the young adults which they are becoming. Let them understand that hardship will make them stronger in the long run. Do not say anything negative if you can avoid it. If they start to scream tell them you are more than willing to talk when they have calmed down.

I'm a bit gobsmacked by some of the posts on here. It is not down to your DH (and therefore you also, by being married to him) to fund the children's education. They will just have to go to state school and carry on from there. It is not the end of the world or some disastrous situation. Lots of kids, especially those whose parents are divorcing for example, have to do this. The likelihood is that they will not be behind at all, if anything they are likely (from what I see in the difference between my nephews who are privately educated and those that are not) to be further advanced (I know I am setting myself up for a flaming here, but that is my experience!).

I think you are doing the right thing by continuing to be calm, DH continuing to explain the situation. It was the mother's doing and she needs to deal with the fallout. Your DH to continue being a dad to them of course but not having to rush about trying to find extra money to make up for his ex's very bad decisions.

WRT the screaming, your DH needs to step up and start disciplining his children.

It is down to fathers to fund their children's education if at all possible. Whether that's school trips and violin lessons for a state educated child or fees for a privately educated child. However, if the father doesn't have enough money for school fees, clearly it's not possible.

OP, could dh speak to the school and try to establish what is going on and whether the school could offer any options - bursaries, scholarships, hardship funds? It's worth exploring whether anything can be done apart from pulling them out if they have exams coming up.

Agree with most of the others here.
Sometimes things happen in life that teens don't like. Changing schools, or having a change in lifestyle, will be tough for them, but honestly, we're not talking Serious Hardship here!

They'll just have to deal with it and get on with it. It is a pity that their mum overextended herself, but there you are. No way should you and DH now make things worse by over-extending yourselves.

And yes, it's a tough time for them, but they still need to have the consistency of boundaries and expectatations of behaviour. Your DH needs to deal with them and put an end at least to the scenes in front of your toddler. (I'd just be direct with DS, and say that the DSCs are unhappy and they are not behaving properly but that it is nothing to be scared of, that everyone is ok, and then let im see that the DSCs have consequences to their bad behaviour too, just like he gets a 'timeout' or whatever you do with him.)