Help with boy refusing to meet new partner - after 3 YEARS!

[SwedishKaz]

My best friend divorced her DH over three years ago. She met a new partner within six months of the split and is very happy in her new relationship.
However, Ex-DH did not take it well. He has been threatening to kill himself, he uses the children against her and all sorts of stupidness.

ANYHOOT, I am the god-mother of her middle child. He is 12 years old, and has been taken his dad side through thick and thin. He still refuses to meet with new partner eventhough it's been so long.
I want to speak with him, and make him understand how much he's hurting his mother, and how utterly RIDICULOUS he's being. I just don't know HOW to approach him. Do I just blurt it out? Any suggestions, please?

Just to add, that the other two children (age 15 and 10) are perfectly happy with the situation and love the new partner. When they do stuff together, the middle-child goes to stay with his dad, or his grandparents. He's missing out on holidays and other fun stuff.

I expect he will feel he is being disloyal to his Dad by meeting this man. Maybe he is frightened that he might actually like him. Probably lots swilling around his head aswell as all the hormonal stuff.

Give him time, I wouldnt pressure him.

Thanks SecondhandRose. I just feel that he's had a very long time already, and I'm sure he DOES feel disloyal to his dad. That is one of the issues I want to discuss with him. He is the most stubborn child I know though, so it won't be easy.
His mum has been very patient, but it's preventing her from moving in with the man she loves. It also splits the family up.

Please don't tell him he is being ridiculous. I really feel strongly that children should not be made to meet new partners if they don't want. Hopefully his mum it taking him on holidays without her partner and with his siblings, parents choosing to divorce shouldn't mean he misses out on everything just because he is unhappy.

Obviously there will be loads more details than you are able to post and you sound like you really mean well but the poor boy sounds like he either is or could become very isolated.

His Mum made a commitment to her children before she met her new partner, I hate the fact that children are expected to put their parents feelings first and this line

" but it's preventing her from moving in with the man she loves. It also splits the family up."

just makes my skin crawl. This 12 year old boy did not split the family up, his parents did.

But it sounds like this 12 yr old is basically being allowed to dictate the lives of his mother, her new partner and the two other children - why is everyone tip toeing round him? Countless children are in blended families, and if there's genuinely no good reason to do otherwise, then the lady in question should be able to move her life forward, and not put her life on hold to indulge this stubborn child.

What would happen, for example, if the lady wanted to move house, build an extension, have another baby etc etc - should she seek permission from a 12 yr old first? When you're that age, there are some parts of your life where, quite rightly, the adults should make the decisions.

It sounds like your godson has become alienated from his mum, which is not unusual as many children experience feelings of loyalty conflict after their parents separate, especially if they feel emotionally responsible for one parent, often due to their fragility. Regardless of whether or not they have any relationship at present, it is clearly not a natural mother/child relationship if he has rejected his mums choice of partner - hence the term alienation.

There is a lot of excellent support material available from the USA, and the UK is beginning to catch up - the Centre for Separated Families have been doing research into alienation and a UK book is due to be released soon.

Before you speak to your godson, I would suggest you read up about the issue yourself, so you have a better understanding, and perhaps share some of it with his parents, if you can?

Try the book Divorce Poison, by Dr Richard Warshak, and he has also produced a DVD called Welcome Back Pluto, which you can mail order from the USA.
Karen Woodall from the Centre for Separated Families has been blogging about Alienation recently, so check that out, too.

I really feel strongly that children should not be made to meet new partners if they don't want - what a ridiculous argument!- would they also not have to meet new cousins, siblings, brother and sister in laws, teachers or any other new people in their life if they didn't want to? The comitment the mother made was to be his mother all of her life - not to never introduce anyone else into it.

Three years is a very long time to let a relationship go on whilst leaving one child out of it (or allowing him to exclude himself). I think you or his mother (or ideally his dad...) need to sit down with him to tell him that it is now time for him to meet him. He doesn't have to feel close to him, just to be polite to him for a start and give him a chace to get to know him. Not as a new stepdad, just as his mother's boyfriend.

My DP's DS1 didn't want to meet me at first - he went and hid in his room when I was round and refused to come down (he was 11 then). Fortunately there was no alternative option presented to him and he was forced to accept that I existed. DP and I didn't require him to be overly friendly or keen on me - or expect me to be in any way a parent to him, but did require basic politeness (which he had to be picked up on several times). But over the last two years he has gradually got used to me. I enjoy his company these days, and he seems relaxed around me.

12 year olds are not adults, and nor is this one acting in a very mature fashion - so as the parent your friend can expect basic politeness from her DS. If I was her DP I'd be a bit pissed off that she'd let the situation go on for so long already.

Purpleroses - superb post.

He's 12 years old, why is he being given this sort of choice? I suspect the adults feel guilty about having a relationship and are projecting this onto the child who now feels he can dictate how the adults in his life live their lives.

Nobody is saying he has to like anyone but surely we all have to meet people we don't want to or do things we don't want to do.

If he's been allowed to behave like this for 3 years, to be honest, it's going to be pretty impossible to undo this behaviour and it really needs to come from his Mother.

Just bumping this up, as we haven't heard back from the OP.

I think you need to tell him that he can meet nad get along with the new partner and that will not mean he is disloyal to his Dad.

However I think that his Mum is wrong to have let this go on so long. He is being allowed to be in charge and he shouldn't be.