Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Considering becoming a Step-Mother

12 replies

HoneyR · 07/07/2012 14:52

I've only just joined and this is my first post so please bear with me. I'm 38 and have always been childless by choice. Recently though I've been seeing an old friend who has a couple of pre-teenaged children. I don't want a lot of responsibility for them. Do you think this is possible? I keep meeting people who seem to be saints in terms of the responsibility they take on with other people's kids.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotaDisneyMum · 07/07/2012 17:37

If you set your boundaries from the outset and your BF is happy with them, and you keep communicating about it rather than allow resentment to build on either side, then why not?

I know a lot of SM who have very little, if any, responsibility for their DSC - perhaps a meal out now and again and polite conversation over breakfast, but they are not an integral part of their DSC lives.

It would probably mean keeping separate homes - especially if they live with your BF even part of the time - but it's certainly possible.

The key factor is that both of you must be totally happy with it - otherwise the resentment will begin to destroy the relationship. Good luck!

missduff · 08/07/2012 18:02

I think a lot of it would depend on how much he has them.
Personally I have struggled with how little time I get with my DP alone, I've just had to accept it in the end, but at times it is an issue.
I think if you've never had kids it can be hard to understand exactly how important they are to a parent.
I agree I think you would need to keep separate homes, kids make mess, they play up, misbehave etc etc and at times it can be really hard to bite your tongue. If you wanted no responsibility it would mean leaving their dad to do all the telling off and discipline which may sound fine but when they've just broken your favourite vase are you going to want to just sit back and ignore it?

If I'm totally honest, knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn't chose to be a step parent again, or if I did it would only be if he didn't have them every single weekend. But then again love isn't that simple, I love my partner and if I have to live in a mad house every weekend in order to be with him then so be it.

So I suppose a lot of it depends on how much you really want to be with him?

Lilypad34 · 09/07/2012 20:31

Never in a million years did I think i'd be a step parent, to be blunt I don't really even like children! My soon to be hubby has dsd a lot of the time and it's not easy. I work away a lot of the year and time with him is precious. I don't get as much time as I'd like alone with him and it had caused some problems but at the end of the day I'll still be the one holding his hand when dsd flees the nest. I still at times make arrangements to do other things when he had her 4 days straight because she's 8 she's loud and hyper...she's 8!

I try to remember what I was like at that age and no matter how she behaves know it's not her fault she's in this situation. So I do my best to be someone she can trust, someone she can look to when she needs something. If you're committed to him you need also commit to the whole package and that includes his kids. It's not always easy but you might like it! :)

Kaluki · 10/07/2012 11:41

If I had the choice now I wouldn't do it, or if I did I wouldn't live together.
I have always loved kids but since I met DP I have discovered that not all kids are like my/my friends kids or the children in my family. DPs kids are damaged and spoilt and to be honest they are bloody hard work and spoil my time with my own dc.
But like everyone else I love DP and so far the good times with him outweigh the crap times with his dc.

zanywany · 13/07/2012 11:55

I think its possible to be in their lives without taking on responsibilty for them, they already have parents to do that for them. I think of myself as an Auntie/friend figure in my SDS lives and when they are with me my DP is responsible for them and he disciplines them although I can no longer bite my tongue when he repeadly 'sits' them on the kitchen counter instead of a chair.

Kaluki - I am in a simular position to you in that I consider myself to be very children friendly, I have lots of nieces/nephews who I adore and I get on very well with friends children. I feel alwful that I don't feel this way towards my SDS's

bradbourne · 13/07/2012 12:06

One day you might find yourself with a lot more contact than you expect. I'm talking about if something ever happened to the children's mother. Could you cope in that sort of situation?

Kaluki · 13/07/2012 12:54

Zany - what is that about sitting on kitchen worktops? DP and DSC do this and it drives me demented!!! Why would you put your bum on the place where food is prepared??? [shcok]

theredhen · 13/07/2012 13:31

Yes I get the worktop thing here too. DSD1 aged 16 literally lays from one end to the other of teh kitchen worktop whilst reading / texting and will completely ignore DP and I who are busy cooking and preparing dinner. Drives me mad that DP won't say anything to her and she is allowed to literally lie in between us whilst we try and have a conversation which she refuses to be part of but won't go and lie somewhere else, like the sofa or her bed!

zanywany · 13/07/2012 13:38

I did say something recently about the worktop as his DS is almost 2 and so I think it is dangerous, he could either fall onto the stone floor or rest his hand on the kettle behind him. Not sure it has sunk in though as later on the same day I walked into the kitchen and he was having his shoes put on, not on the counter but standing on the table!

theredhen · 13/07/2012 13:43

Do these parents not realise what they are teaching these kids and how dangerous it is for the little ones?

he 2 yr old will try and do the same in someone else's house or while they're on their own and have an accident. Why do they not realise we moan about these things for a reason - because we want these kids to be decent, well mannered, respectful, safe and healthy people!

allnewtaketwo · 13/07/2012 22:36

Good grief lying on the work top??? If that happened in my house I would quite honestly explode. I've never heard anything like it. What do you actually say when you walk into your own kitchen and a child/young adult is lying on the work top??!

zanywany · 14/07/2012 19:27

He sits him on it. We actually had a bit of a row about it last night and he said that he puts him there so that the dog can't get him. I have a soft labrador who is good with them and they love her. He had agreed reluctantly not to do it.

Flip