Any ideas?

[bananatrifle]

My dp's 5 year old DD has recently been saying some hurtful things to her dad, things like she doesn't want to come here at the weekends or see him during the week and that she wants to stay with her mum and that he's the worst daddy in the world (it couldn't be further from the truth).

We're trying to deal with this as sensitively as possible and trying to work out what's brought this on.

Any ideas from anyone as to what this could be about? My guess is that she's got to the age that she's worked out her mummy and daddy aren't together and she has a very strong bond with her mum, which is great, and maybe she feels torn with her loyalty.

Any other thoughts and how best to deal with this?

Thanks

I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to offer sympathy and support. From other posts I have read here, I think that being seen to be "loyal" to individual parents can be a big issue for kids in these circumstances. I agree that quite possibly until now she has never really registered the fact that her parents don't live together as anything unusual, but she's reached the age where she's just becoming aware of it.

My DP and his ex split up when their DS was a year old, and when I came on the scene he was 4. I was amazed at how well adjusted he was at switching between the two households and how he seemed so completely at ease with the whole situation. But when he reached the age of 6, he started to wobble a bit - particularly in transition moments. One week there would be tears and saying he didn't want to go to daddy's house, he wanted to stay with mummy. Then the next time it would happen in the reverse sense, and he would cry and cry when he had to go back to mummy's.

It was/is really heartbreaking - he's just turned 7 but I don't think these issues have completely gone away yet. He's on a month-long holiday with his mum and her family at the moment, and we did a Skype with him the other day. Whilst we were sorting the webcams out there was a moment where we could see him but he couldn't see us, and he was all happy and smiley and excited to be on holiday. And then when our cam started working and he saw his dad, he looked like he'd been hit with a ton of bricks and got quite upset, saying he wanted to come back here and spend the rest of the holiday with his dad :-(

So, the upshot of all this is that DP and his ex have a policy of "calm sympathy and hugs" with DSS in these situations. They never try to persuade him that he's being silly or that he shouldn't say that he doesn't want to be here. They both just say that yes of course it's difficult, of course you miss your mummy/daddy, and try to stay very calm with him. They also help him call the other parent if he's particularly upset. He does then seem to calm down quite quickly - like I said it's really the moments of transition, i.e. arrivals/departures where he gets upset. Is this the case with your DD, or is it more constant? I'd also be interested to know if DP has talked to his ex about it, and what her attitude is...

Thanks for the sympathy and advice. It is just during the transition moments and at times he has had to peel her off her mum. He does want to talk to his ex about it but needs to do it face to face, preferably when the DCs aren't there, which needs to be organised.

I think you're right about the calm sympathy and hugs bit and that it is ok for her to miss her mum. The other part to this is that it's almost the reverse (without the screaming abdabs) with his older DS who would rather be with his DF all the time, and my dp's ex has had difficulties with it from her end too.

They have talked about it and done what they can to reassure him and let him talk about how he feels, and I think maybe a part of what DSD is feeling might have come from some overheard conversations going on.

My dp's doing his best to cope with this and does so very well in front of her, but behind the scenes he's really hurt by it and I think is worried that he'll lose her. I've been doing my best to reassure him that it's just a phase she's going through and that she's lucky to have him as a dad (he truly is an amazingly kind, loving person).

One thing she did say to him was that her mum's new husband is her dad. Ouch.

God, the whole peeling-them-away bit is horrible to witness isn't it? As well as feeling terrible for DSS, I always feel gutted for DP when DSS is crying and saying he only wants his mummy. It's such a visceral punch in the gut. I'm amazed at how well DP can cope with it and stay so calm and soothing. And then when it happens in reverse, again (this is terrible) I can sometimes feel a fleeting moment of smugness creep in. Which is awful. I think DP is a better person than me.

Anyway, with your DSD if it's just the transition moments and she and your DP have a good relationship the rest of the time, I would tend to think it's pretty understandable behaviour. The "dad" thing though...yeah, ouch. My DSS has never said anything like this, though ironically his 3yo half sister (his mum's child with her new DP) calls both her real dad and my DP "papa"! She's clearly just confused because that's how her brother always refers to him. So again...could it be a symptom of genuine confusion over what to call all these various people in her life, or maybe she is just testing your DP? I really don't know, but I would tend to think that your DP has got to keep on staying calm whatever happens, and not show his hurt. She's so very, very young...

It sounds like there are decent channels of communication between your DP and his ex, which has got to be a good thing. How often do you have the children at your house?

They're with us every weekend (apart from the odd one or two in the year), DP sees them mid week and we have them for half the school holidays.

I think you're right about the whole confusion bit, and it's easier for us to work it out as we have the emotional intelligence and the vocabulary to arrange things in our minds and to share with others.

Thanks for your help, it's been a great help to know someone else's views on this and that we're not alone!!

Hope it gets better for you too.