Is this a good idea or not?

[NotaDisneyMum]

DP has been seeing DSD regularly after their estrangement of over a year and they are gradually getting to know each other again and rebuild their relationship.

One of the constraints is DSD limited text allowance. DSD has a contract phone paid for by her mum, this is in lieu of pocket money, so she hand I cash.
DSD often admits to DP that she goes over her free text allowance and her mum has had a go at her because she's been hit with high additional charges on the contract.

I have suggested to DP that he asks DSD mum how much it would cost to change DSD contract to an unlimited text plan and if it's a reasonable amount, offer to pay the difference for the duration of the contract.
As I am the only income earner in the household, it would mean that I would (in effect) be paying for it, although DP and I don't see it like that. DSD mum will know that though, and it is likely that she will tell DSD.

The problem is that DSD refuses to accept me in DPs life still - they are rebuilding their relationship independently of me - and I am happy to prioritise the expenditure because it will increase contact between DP and DSD.

Eugh - posted too soon!

So, would we be rewarding DSD for poor behaviour (continuing to reject me) or is it an acceptable first step in my becoming a part of her life again?

(autocorrect in first paragraph should say - she has no cash*)

Don't know your personal history and there's obviously some existing issues, but if you're the only income earner, you must have a way of managing finances on a 'family' basis - ie I assume DH has cards / cash etc. Could he not pre-empt any issue by giving DSD the new contract details and say something like "I'd like to be able to keep in touch with you without worrying you've hit your limit, so have reorganised my housekeeping to get you a different contract" so she knows it's from 'him' rather than you?

I don't think you would be teaching her any life skills if you do this. I don't think she will respect you anymore for it.

Would unlimited texts help DSD to keep in touch with her dad? I think it would be a nice thing to do. It will probably cost very little to get the contract changed (if the cost of the phone has already been paid off they may even move her onto a different package for free, if her mum implies that she may cancel the contract).

But I don't see why your DP can't give her the money. He's your DP and you want to support him as he builds bridges, therefore you give him the money and he gives it to his DD without needing to offer too detailed an account of where it comes from. Only real reason I can see her mum objecting would be if she thinks your DP isn't giving her enough child support for basic things and therefore shouldn't be paying for non-essentials. Though she should appreciate not having to have rows with her DD over excess texts every month or finding the money for the shortfall, if she's reasonable......

Or would another relative or one of your DP's parents like to offer to pay it for her, to support the relationship without the need for questions as to how your DP can afford it?

Oh, yes, DP would tell DSD that he was paying for it, and DSD would probably accept that - but her mum would undoubtedly make a point of telling her that her Dad isn't earning anything so "where does DSD think the money is coming from?"

Her mum is still very negative about DSD having any contact with DP - any I think she'd see this as a chance to drive a wedge - not that DP will allow that to influence his decision.

But, on the basis that DSD will be told that I've earned the money that pays for it - does it send the right message?

(as an aside, no income or benefits means that DP doesn't pay any child maintenance at the moment - unless the expectation is that I pay that as well?)

I think that unless there's some heinous reason for your sd not wanting a relationship with you, you probably would be reinforcing the message that, you can treat people badly, with no consequences.

I must be a cow because there's no way that I would support (financially) my estranged sd, to enable her to keep in touch with her dad, on the condition that I ( the stepmum) don't "exist" for her.

Also, it's not that she doesn't have use of a mobile. She has a limit in terms of contract and she's going over that limit. So, she's managing to keep in touch with some people.....but not her dad. Would it really make THAT much difference to their communicating?

That's difficult I think - I can see how the ex might think your DP has no business offering to pay for luxuries for DSD when he isn't currently contributing at all for the necesities. If she's feeling sore about it I could imagine how she might decide to exploit the fact that DSD might be unhappy about you paying for it by pointing it out.

But if her mum's attitude is one of the main reasons it's been difficult for DSD to have a good relationship with her dad, then antagonising her could fly in the face of what he wants to do.

In terms of their own contact, he could tell her she can give him a missed call any time she likes (which is free) and he can ring her back, though that's not the way most teens like to communicate really is it? My DS uses Facetime (I think that's what it's called) and some other instant messaging function which works anywhere where there's wifi - could your DP suggest that to DSD as a way of reducing her text costs?

any chance at all of getting her on a plan (we have this with O2) where she gets free calls and texts to certain numbers? We get five numbers on the plan and use four for the DSCs and DH and I, and DH's friend is #5 (so it does not have to be people who live together).

DP has absolutely no influence or control over the contract - all he can do is offer to pay the difference to alleviate the financial cost to his ex. DSD doesn't get a say either, she was told by her mum 2 years ago that she would be swapping her PAYG for a new swanky handset and contract which her mum would pay for in lieu of pocket money.

At the time, it was a bribe to encourage DSD to spend less time with DP - having made the 'offer', the only time DSD mum could take her to choose the handset was during a contact weekend, and it became a direct, instant line of communication between DSD and her mum 24/7 when DSD was here

Of course now, DSD resents it because she has no pocket money to spend and has to ask her mum for anything she might want, and she gets yelled at for using too many texts, too!

The swanky handset is long-gone; DSD is not known for taking care of her belongings. DP has recently loaned her an old handset to see her through the next few months; he has used it as an opportunity for her to prove that he can trust her to take care of other people belongings and talk to her about the consequences of not doing that once she is an adult.

Despite the fact that DSD mum incurs loads of extra charges because DSD uses over her text allowance every month, she has told DSD that the plan will be on the the same terms when it is renewed and there will continue to be consequences if she doesn't comply.

I just don't know - DSD has come a long way in terms of her relationship with DP, and if DP had an income, or we were certain that DSD mum wouldn't highlight that he doesn't, then we'd just do it - but the fact that she'll know it is a gesture from me seems to have as many positive aspects as it does negatives !

I suppose based on all of this, it is too much to ask that your DP and his ex might be able to have a conversation and agree on a phone situation that might work for all concerned? Does your DSD have a relationship with your DP's parents? Might they be able to offer a birthday present improvement?

To be honest, in what you've hinted at here, I would probably bite my frustration and just leave things well alone and be glad that DSD and DP are in some kind of contact. I wouldn't want to facilitate her attitude to you being any more contemptuous and would just accept that her phone isn't always a reliable means of her being in touch although at least she can sometimes. And would make sure she had thought of purpleroses idea about giving a missed call if she ever wanted to chat and didn't have the credit / texts. A phone in credit isn't a necessity for life, she can make contact for free.

I wouldn't offer at all. But then I am obviously not as nice as you are
My view would be that if she can't accept you in his life why on earth should you pay for her phone contract. She either accepts you or she doesn't. She can't take your money and still treat you badly.
I'm sure she could text her dad if she wanted to - maybe send a few less texts to her mates or like Purple says she could always drop call him and he can call her back.

Kaluki, I agree. I'd just NOT get involved with the whole phone thing. The girl treats op with contemp. She HAS a phone but uses her credit, and more besides, but doesn't keep in touch with dad. Throwing more cash at the problem, won't sort this out.

Leaving aside the issue of whether the DSD would view this as you paying for the enhanced contract, or your DH, what kind of contract does she currently have i.e. how many texts are allowed, and how many is she going over by each month? How much of a difference in price each month is it between the current contract and what would have to be paid for unlimted texts?

I'm inclined to say don't do it, for many of the reasons others have stated as your DSD clearly has such little regard for anything that you do do vicariously for her through your support of her dad, but also because I think that some limits for teens are actually a good thing and this kind of thing i.e. going over the number of texts you get in your allowance, should be something that tells her she needs to change how she is using her allowance. Unless it's so restrictive that it's impossible not to go over the limit, I think there is a lesson in there somewhere that your DSD won't actually learn if your DH does this i.e. pushed to get a better allowance through a more expensive contract.

I understand your OH's reasons for think of doing this, but I'm not sure it's the right thing in this situation. From what you have said about your DSD, I suspect the increase in texts wouldn't benefit your OH so much as it would her circle of friends.

How many texts does Dsd get already?How many do you expect to receive? One now and again or several per day?

My DSD gets unlimited texts all paid for by mu dp but still more often than not doesn't bother replying to texts or calls.

Oh poo, should have answered after reading OP because my initial response has changed due to you persuasive lot

Initial response was that it is such a great thing that they are working on their relationship after all that has gone on, if you can help your DH in that way then you should. View it as helping him, not whether she deserves it or not and all the other stuff attached to it. If Mum makes a big deal of it, let her! It will all add to DSD's view of her mum as she realises more and more that Dad is the normal one - hopefully.

However People are right when they ask if it will actually be of any help. I mean, she has texts now, yet she is choosing to use them on other people. Why would she suddenly want to text dad just because she has more credits?

I don't know.

?My view would be that if she can?t accept you in his life, why on earth should you pay for her phone contract. She either accepts you or she doesn?t. She can?t take your money and still treat you badly.?

Totally agree.

I get what is being said about will it make any difference and would DSD bother to text DP even if she had unlimited.

Her mum (apparently) scrutinises the bill to see what numbers have been called/texted - and DSD says that she is worried that she'd be in even more trouble if any of the texts that went over her limit were to DP, more so than if they are to friends, if you see what I mean?

Her limit gives her 10 texts a day - which for a sociable 14 year old teenage girl is not alot IMO, especially one who is subjected to regular house arrest weekend stays at her grandmothers house in OAP-bungalow-ville - miles from her friends -because of her mums shift work.

My feeling is that she probably would reply if DP texted her and asked how her day was or if she fancied taking the dog out later. He wants to try and keep things informal - she's not one for planning in advance and DP doesn't want to establish a set contact pattern - at DSD age, it isn't practical or age appropriate, really.

I don't know how much it would cost to upgrade her existing contract to unlimited texts - but DP can get her a SIM only contract on a rolling monthly basis for £10 a month with unlimited texts which he is also considering if DSD is prepared to change her number and incur her mums wrath!

Kaluki, Petal02 and others.... You speak sense (and agree with me!

The mum sounds bonkers..... She ought not to be cross if the girl contacts her dad. That's the kind of childish shite that causes kids to go off the rails. It's HER phone. Unless she's using it to do something illegal or "bad for her" the mum should butt out.

I still maintain though, that pushing more cash at the problem, is not the answer in this instance. And if the girl won't accept you, it SHOULD be against sd's principles to accept your money/help.

I don't post here very often, but do lurk a lot. I have asimilar problem with my oldest DSD, she tries to pretend I don't exist.
However, I do think this would be a nice idea- I suspect she would not really be bothered by who pays the extra money anyway, knowing teens (2 myself, DP 3!).
I DO NOT think her mum would agree to it, though- I see this as a control issue that she has over your DSD (why else would she not have increased contract herself if extra charges apply all the time?) and she will not want to give up the control it gives her over your DSD, and, by extension, your DH and his contact with her.
Do not be too hard on her regarding texts- I don't think mine would waste a text on me, either, if their limit was that narrow, at that age BFFs definitely come way way ahead of mums/ dads/ siblings, estranged or not!
If you can afford it, I would do it- providing her mum lets you
There is of course the possibility she uses 2 SIMS and keeps one secret from her mum, but that I would not advocate!