Does it ever get better?

[stopthemadness]

I have been living with DP and SKs for 3 yrs. I love DP and we will marry soon. I just wondered if things with SKs ever get easier? I really, really find it tough when they are at home (50/50 with ex) despite the efforts i make to be involved. The Disney Dad thing doesn't help. They treat the house with zero respect (one SK even smashed a window because he was annoying with his dad). They are spoiled rotten and we really have no money at the moment. I am just feeling so down as I love my DP but I hate absolutely hate living there when the SKs come over. It makes me miserable. I am not saying it is their fault. I just want to know is this something that can be improved on or will i always feel like a stranger in my own home?

It can get better, but only if your stbDH is prepared to change. Does he know how you feel? Have you told him?

You say that you love your DP, but do you respect him? If he refuses to parent his DC's, allows them to show him and you disrespect and chooses to indulge his DC's rather than contribute towards the household essentials, how much longer do you think you can love him regardless?

His parenting (or lack of) is an integral part of who he is - and even if 50% of the time, your relationship is great, that doesn't mean you should ignore the other 50%. You may find that your DP's disney attitude leads to one or more of his DC's choosing to live with him (and you) full time when they are older - so you would lose the 50% of your DP that you love as he would be DisneyDad on a fulltime basis!

You are right, it is not their fault. They are displaying the behaviour they do because it is rewarding rather than leading to negative consequences for them.

Smashing a window relieves frustration, so is rewarding for the DC. Whereas in my household, the negative consequence of smashing a window would outweigh the reward several times over, so my DC/DSC are unlikely to do it again - if there are no negative consequences for that behaviour, then the
DC is going to repeat it the next time they need to relieve their frustration.

The question is, what are you prepared to do about it? Unless you say something, nothing will change. If you do say something, your DP might make all the right noises, but won't actually follow through. Alternatively, he might tell you that is the way things are going to be, and you have to accept it. It is very unlikely that an established pattern of behaviour will change overnight, and even if your DP is committed to changing, you can expect to have many more awkward weekends and difficult conversations, reminding your DP of your boundaries. I would never, ever advise anyone to marry a disneydad. I would suggest that you put plans for marriage on hold until he can demonstrate his commitment to parenting his DC's and by respecting you by ensuring that his DC's respect you through their actions and words.

My personal opinion is that, if you hate it when the SKs are over and, that is for 50% of the time, then you shouldn't get married.

IMO and experience it doesn't get any easier.

"I hate absolutely hate living there when the SKs come over. It makes me miserable"

Please please please think about this. Don't subject yourself to something that YOU ALREADY KNOW is making you miserable. You will end up depressed. If your partner is a disney dad he is unlikely to change (please spend a lot of time reading threads on here - the disneying continues beyond 18). You will get resentful and your will have arguments about it on a regular basis.

I agree with NADM and AllNew ...
If you are struggling now it won't get any easier and there is always the threat that 50% could become 100%, especially as get older and realise that Dad is a soft touch.
I wish I had done what NADM suggests and put a hold on us moving in until he could stop the disneying. He promised he would and I believed him but its been years and he still does it.
If I had my time again I would do it all so differently.

I found it gets worse with time.

The dads don't change , and continue to let their kids away with murder . What happens in the end is your left with adults who continue to treat you like shit , just because your the stepmum , and the dads still want to bury their heads in the sand and ignore.

If you want to be an emotional punching bag with no say on how your treated in your own home then this is the life for you . And your still expected to be nice to them . God forbid you ever treat the adult steps the way they treat you ! .

Lots of marriages with steps fail , just because of the stress they ( and their parents ) cause.

but true Droves.
DP was wittering on the other day about how happy he would be if DSD wanted to come to live with us fulltime when she is older.
I felt sick at the thought and realistically it is unlikely to happen but if it does that that will be the end of us

It is veryhard at times to share your home with someone else's DC.

I struggle often with it, and it is only on weekends, not even 50/50. However, my DH is aware of how difficult I can find it/them and helps to work around it.

How old are the DSC? If they are v young then maybe you can effect some level of behaviour change in them. If older, then they will be getting less interested in coming to stay as they have outside activities and friends to spend time with.

Our situation is getting better - and I do suspect that one of the DSC will want to live with us. In fact I often think that if they both did then things would be much improved. It is the carry over from their DM's parenting which causes the issues. i.e. food issues, late nights, speaking disrespectfully to me and DH. After a day of being with us they revert to our more strict rules and it gets easier.

So stop a lot depends on howyou and your DP manage it. Each case is different. I will admit though, that sometimes I wish I had kept my own house and not jumped in so quickly. There are times when I am so angry and upset that I physically shake and have to leave the house as I feel so impotent with regard to the situation. I know it isn't just me, I have a friend who has recently become a SP too and she struggles as much as me- and she is a much calmer person in general.

Answer: you and DP need to be on the same page. He has to understand your issues, and you may have to put yourself in his shoes.

Good luck.