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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So today DH finally got his father's day card...

14 replies

matana · 03/07/2012 22:16

Written by his exW: "To ExH Dad, love from DD1 & DD2"

DSDs are 15 and 12. For those of you who don't know DSD1 hasn't spoken to DH since last September. Now it seems like even the youngest doesn't give a shit about him.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Kaluki · 03/07/2012 22:31

Unbelievable
That's worse than not bothering at all!
Why are these kids bought up to think its ok to treat people like this - especially their own parents.

Your poor DH

MaisieM · 03/07/2012 23:05

That's awful, your poor DH :(

My DSC haven't sent my DH a birthday or Father's day card for two years now so I sympathise fully.

Kaluki -" Why are these kids bought up to think its ok to treat people like this - especially their own parents". I wish I knew the answer to this.

brdgrl · 03/07/2012 23:07

That's awful. His ex is a cow.

HashtagJussayin · 03/07/2012 23:18

Guessing there is a back story... But I haven't given my dad a fathers day card. I bought one, actually spent some time choosing one that didn't have lovey dovey shit in it, wrote it and put it in a drawer. He is a massive cunt though...

If your dh isn't then that is sad. I wish my dad wasn't!

Original poster

matana · 04/07/2012 07:55

I just felt awfully hurt and outraged for him. He's been a great dad to them both and has seen them as regularly as his ex would allow and would no doubt have seen them more if he could have. He even tries to see the best in his ex, saying "Well, it was nice of her to do it, but i wish she hadn't because it means nothing". I suspect there is something more sinister in it though, like she is writing him out of their lives altogether because her 'family' is the only one that counts. When they were little (i've known them for the best part of ten years) i never imagined this would happen because they were such sweet kids - caring, considerate, affectionate, kind, thoughtful. On the other hand, maybe it's just normal teenage behaviour. Who knows.

OP posts:

Eliza22 · 04/07/2012 09:54

"normal teenage behaviour". God, I hate that phrase!

Unless there is a massive reason for a teen or young adult ostracising a parent, there's no excuse, NO EXCUSE for being hurtful. Not liking the fact that your mum or dad has found some happiness with another person (because the ex had an affair that ended the marriage) IS NOT AN EXCUSE.

I'm sick of hearing how teenagers can't help their behaviour because....they're teenagers. Or, because they're from a divorce situation. Shitty behaviour is just that.

Eliza22 · 04/07/2012 10:03

Oh, and Matana, I feel sorry for you and your dh.

We, as a combined family, always made a suitable fuss to ensure sd had a great birthday/Christmas....whatever "event". For as long as I've been married to her dad, she has not sent him a birthday card, Christmas card, father's day greeting. Also, no card, small gift or greeting for my son who's 11. Ever. On the morning of ds's last birthday, my son was getting into the car to go to school, and she said to me as I was just going out the door "say happy birthday to X". He was no more than 3 feet away from her......

For her birthday I was scrubbing garden furniture and setting up for her party at our house, cause her own mum flatly refused to have 25 seventeen and eighteen yr olds at her house, in the bloody rain. It took me 2 days to get rid of the mud and the downstairs loo smelled like a British Rail urinal for days....

allnewtaketwo · 04/07/2012 10:48

No recognition here of events either. DH hasn't received a Father's Day card/present from his children either. Actually he happened to call them on the day and neither of them (16 and 13) even mentioned it, despite saying they'd been out for lunch for fathers day -with their step father--

And they both just ignored DS's birthday, despite being at our house on the day.

Thoughtless teenagers who don't care about anybody turn into thoughtless adults who don't care about anybody. I can't wait..........................

Original poster

matana · 04/07/2012 12:09

We'll see what happens when DS turns 2. DSD2 actually adores him and i am thankful for that. She does tend to buy him little things out of her pocket money etc and makes a big fuss of him and plays with him when she's here. He absolutely adores her too and sees her regularly enough to be visibly happy and excited when she arrives, so i am holding on to that. DSD1 used to adore DS, but hasn't seen him since Christmas either - despite him being at the childminders most days, who lives virtually opposite their house. I've told her she can visit him there, seeing as she doesn't want to see DH, but she has chosen not to.

Re. "normal teenage behaviour" - yes, i tend to agree. I have probably been too liberal with the phrase "She's/ they are still children". There comes a point when you have to realise that that no longer applies and they really are behaving atrociously by anyone's standards.

OP posts:

Nonio · 04/07/2012 12:39

I have a SDD 16 and SDS 19. At first my DH got cards if he complied to the demands around that time. When we started say no cards and presents stopped. Now they are older they buy cards sometimes this fathers day it was a text message. I know it's crap that is late and not signed by them but at least he got a card. They both say the their Dad is great and he has always phoned them every week unfortunately your DH can only keep trying. As for you, you are like me we pick up the pieces when our DH get hurt and try not to scream.

Eliza22 · 04/07/2012 13:24

Same here....sd has two siblings. I get on well with them. They remember birthdays and events and it makes me realise that it's sd's choice. I've been the same with all three. No favouritism and she detests me, because I exist.

theredhen · 04/07/2012 13:55

I know we all love our DP's / DH's but really how much of the blame for the children's / teens /adult childs behaviour lies at the door of the Father?

I do realise that having an unhelful or plainly nasty ex who discourages contact and good behaviour towards the childs father and family has an affect on the child that won't be positive and that makes things more difficult.

However, can we really blame the inconsiderateness on the child or on the ex completely and totally?

My own DS "forgot" to get me a Mothers day card. He got me a present but left it too late to get a card, his plans changed and then he forgot about the card. I made it quite clear to him that I was disappointed in him, that I expected better, I reminded him of all I do for him etc etc. He was being a "thoughtless" teenager but I didn't just accept it and feel sad, I took action to teach him that it's important to remember. He went out at the next opportunity and bought me the biggest card in the shop.

However, when DP's children are thoughtless (at best!) and downright rude (at worst) DP hints to his kids but doesn't come right out and teach them right from wrong. His expectations of his kids are so low, he gets what he expects.

allnewtaketwo · 04/07/2012 14:53

That's a good point redhen - DH's expectations (and actually the expectations of all their family) are very low in terms of their ability to think of others. He has never ever pulled them up on this. Didn't even comment that a 16yo didn't so much as get his brother a card for his birthday, or ignore fathers day completely.

Can you imagine the poor future wives of these boys?

3teenhell · 04/07/2012 15:16

My DC were bought a card for their father and chose not to go over to his and give it to him. I won't make them, its up to them. In all honesty he is pretty useless as a dad and they don't like going there.
They all bought my DP a present out of their own money off their own backs though, as he is good to them and is always there for them.
When my DC were little and unable to get me stuff for mothers day their dad didn't bother to help them so i won't be forcing them to do anything they don't want to

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