Sharing key events

[SidelinedMum]

I'm a regular poster here as a SM, but want to ask other SM a question from a mum's perspective so have name changed to avoid being outed!

My ex and I have recently had a breakdown in communication - and I'm feeling increasingly sidelined from my DDs life (she's a young teen).

Ex has told me that he believes that he has the right to select who DD shares significant/milestone life events with when he is in his care, and that he expects her to accept her SM (whose been in her life for 2 years) at special events and activities because she (SM) is his partner and that is how their family works.
He has gone on to say that as I also have a partner, then I am expecting the same of DD.

My DP and I don't expect DD to share those key events in her life with her StepDad - he doesn't get involved with things like parents evenings, Awards ceremonies and the like - although more recently, DD has asked if he would go along.

What do other people do? Do you share those events with your DSC because you're their parents partner - or do you stay out of it?

When she is in his care, oops!

sorry not step mum, but Im a resedent parent to my dd. I do tend to agree with your ex if Im honest. In my case we dont have shared care, I arrange all the events etc (because he is a bit useles sometimes) but I do always invite my exp and his partner. however I think parents evening or medical appintments for instance are a bit different it would be very unmanigable to have all four of you piling in at once.

However ultimatly I do think this has to be the choice of your dd and her alone to make given her age. If she is asking your dH I hope he is showing an interest to be involved. If she saying she does not want his Dp to be involved i would respect that and ask him not labour the point as this will Also affect thier relationship.

Hi

I am a SM and I'm very involved in DSS's life. I have been with DH since DSS was 18 months old, and in that time we have all worked hard to create a relationship where things are amicable and so we can all co-parent.

I always attend parents evenings, and some dr's appts (yes, it can be crowded but it works for us), and have been an active participant in discussions e.g about what school DSS would go to.

It's only really over the past year (and from reading on threads on here) that i've realised how unusual this is, and that there are many people (both mums and SMs) who would feel that I am overstepping. Our view has always been a sort of 'the more people there are to love a child the better', and I know that I am very lucky to have an amicable relationship with DSS's mum where I am welcome in his life. If she hadn't wanted me to be so involved then I think I would have been disappointed, but respected that.

I know that there are far many cases, for a whole variety of reasons, where this wouldn't work, but it's what works for us, and I think that's a key thing - step families can be hard, and there's definitely no one right way of doing things. There are so many variables, that it has to be a (often through trial and error) what works for you!

Thanks for your replies - I appreciate that it works differently for different families - I suppose my concern is my ex's insistence that this is the status quo in his home - and that DD has to like it or lump it! He places equal status on his partner in DDs life as himself in terms of these events and considers it inevitable that his partner will be there - whereas DP and myself consider each event separately, rather than assume DD will welcome his presence.

Is it a male/female thing? My dds stepmum is more involved than my partner is as a stepdad. Why else are you feeling sidelined?

I find that all a but strange zippy, my dds stepmum is awesome and I think the world of her. When I'm not around, she is dds mum. She is a 'step-in' mum. But when I'm there... Why on earth does dd need two mums!?
Three adults, at a doctors appointment? Really?
I guess if it works for you though... You're doing better than we are.

mama I've got a thread in lone parents - basically, he seems to be looking for the slightest opportunity to 'take control' of aspects of DDs life; he even described himself as "in charge" of DDs dental care when I asked him for the name of the dentist he was taking her to!
He has monopolised her transfer to secondary school - he wouldn't let her spend any time looking round the schools she visited with me as she was there with him and his DW and then at a parents evening this week, he completed and signed all the registration and permissions forms for DD - and didn't tell me about them (the school did) or include my details in the parents names box

I think he has heard horror stories of dads being excluded from their DCs lives (his DW exH experienced this) so is on the offensive with me all the time we've tried mediation etc, nothing has made a difference - I don't think I've got any choice but to see a solicitor as DD is starting to resent his dominance in her life - for instance, she doesn't want him to be at her school uniform fitting, but he has said unless he can come to the one I arrange, he'll arrange a separate one for her - and he's gone ahead and booked it for a time she's in his care

Sidelined, is it the case that your ex is seeing how his wife behaved towards her ex, and somehow thinks you will do the same? Or is it your ex's DW's ex's previous family he has told him about? Not too sure from your post.

My ex's DW was married before, and her thenDH's exW withheld contact with his DCs and made it difficult for them to see him - my ex has told me about it more than once!

disclaimer - I'm not a SM I don't know if I'm reading too much into this but it sounds a little to me like your ex's DW is maybe the catalyst behind what your ex is saying or doing. She might well feel part of things, and thinks it's only right for her to be as involved in your DD's 'key events' as your ex insists she should be, but just because that is her/your ex's view that doesn't make that the right view iyswim? What I mean is, if it feels 'normal' that your DP doesn't get that involved in 'key events' then your ex and his wife insisting that it's 'normal' doesn't make it so. I think you have to go with what you and your DP feel comfortable with. I wouldn't like to be 'dictated to' about how I deal with my DD's 'key events'. Luckily I don't have the issues you do, but I wouldn't feel at all comfortable in your shoes either.

I see sidelined. I think I need to step away from this board. I am utterly sick to fucking death of hearing story after story of adults being weird and manipulating these situations to ensure that they are top parent. There are going to be a lot if messed up adults out there. I hope your husband wakes up and realises there's a child at the centre of all this and she doesn't give a shit who goes to her school uniform fitting. She just wants a peaceful life where the adults who are responsible for her put her needs first.

Sorry.

mama the problem is that DD is telling me that she does "give a shit", she doesn't want her dad seeing her in her undies and checking to see if the clothes she is trying on fit. She's 11 years old and beginning to be conscious of her body shape and appearance - she doesn't really want to go through the ordeal of a fitting at all, but will tolerate it with me. In the past I would probably have stepped aside and let him bulldoze his way through - but I don't think thats best for DD anymore

Ex wanted to come along to the mums&daughters session that the school organised with the school nurse a couple of years ago - accused me of deliberately excluding him from a part of DDs life because I explained to him that DD really didn't want him to talk about it with her at that time - I passed all the info on, but that wasn't good enough

I wasn't criticising you I was criticising your ex. He isn't putting your dd first at all. The uniform fitting was a bad choice of example, obviously she does care about that.

mama sorry Having re-read your post this morning I can see it was aimed at ex, not me - I'm just so worried that by standing up to him I'll be seen to be doing the same to him as I feel he is doing to me

I really don't have an issue with his DW attending events, appointments etc as long as its not at my expense but he has refused to allow DD to spend time with me because she is 'with him and DW' - he considers that DW takes precedence as she is his partner

Personally I think what is right for the child is to have both parents at significant events first and foremost (as long as those parents aren't going to fight and argue) and then step parents come after that.

For example, DSC Mum will get letters about school events before us, often they are only 2 ticket events and Mum makes sure that either her latest boyfriend or her Mother gets the second ticket, but she always claims to be putting the childrens needs first.

I always ask my ex if he would like to come along to school events before I ask my DP, invariably my ex doesn't come but he is always asked.

No matter what a fantastic step parent we are, I think the natural parent should come "first" in these events, with step parents able to come if possible but not at the expense of the natural parent.

He sounds ridiculously controlling, especially over the clothing. That's weird.

I am an SM and have been in dss's life since he was four. I have never been to parents' evening, and only occasionally been to school events (school plays).

Dss actually has a school issue at the moment which I could really help with. But we don't think his mum would appreciate my being involved, so i am staying in the background.

If I were you, I would choose my battles very very carefully. The clothing thing is strange, and it is important for your dd that she has boundaries around being naked so I would definitely go into battle on that one.

I have been picking my battles carefully - but it seems that each time I compromise and agree to something that leaves me on the sidelines, he pushes it a bit further still.
I don't want to duplicate posts but over the past 12 months, DD has spent a lot more time in his care than mine (I've agreed extra days for holidays, special occasions etc) and yet he still argued when DD returned from a school residential trip on the usual transfer day and insisted that she travel to his at 11pm at night rather than crash at mine (next door to the school) and go to his the next morning. He said that he and his DW had plans for DD DD stuck up for herself on that one - demanded to know what plans they had for her that late at night; it was clear DD was frustrated with their attitude which has spurred me on to do something about it!

I saw a solicitor recently and while she praised me on my positive attitude to my dd spending time with her dad, she implored me not to allow any extra days that went over 50/50. She said if it ever went to court then shared residency would be agreed with bias toward neither parent. Meaning the "status quo" would be upheld.

I also posted on your other thread.
I think his attitude is bizzarre and controlling and he is excluding you.
You should mirror his stance back to him- don't agree any extra time ( unless your dd wants it). You are her mother legally you have certain rights which like it or not he can't exclude you.

What would happen if she had severe toothache or a dental emergency whilst in your care - you don't know who her dentist is so you wouldn't be able to arrange a treatment. - how on anyone's planet is that good for your dd.
He wanted to come to the school nurse talk ... Really ... I know lots of men don't have hang ups about puberty and periods BUT he's not going through it is he. He wants to see her in her undies trying on school uniform which she doesnt want, naturally. I think it's strange - I've got ds and I wouldn't insist on going to a talk on boys puberty or testicle cancer.

He's got total disregard for her feelings and it seems to me he is placing more emphasis on his insistence on not getting " pushed out" of dd's life rather than what she wants and more importantly whats in her best interest.
You have quoted a few more examples of this
Wanting to make her go to his house at gone 11 pm to sleep rather than go to your house which was nearer. How would that have been in her best interests - getting to bed ASAP should have been the only important thing. I'm glad dd challenged him on that.

Keeping your details off the school contact list is wrong and sinister and not good for your dd if she ever had an accident and school needed to contact someone.

Again how can that be in your dd's best interest.

She said if it ever went to court then shared residency would be agreed with bias toward neither parent. Meaning the "status quo" would be upheld.

Can I refuse to agree to Shared Residency? Would CAFCASS really recommend it if I was totally anti? I know that ex would want his DW's name on a Residency Order so that she has PR. Would the court agree to that?

I honestly think that the problems between ex and I have got so bad, that DD would be better of legally residing with one parent, even if that was her Dad and his DW, rather than this continual battle that he fighting against something that just isn't there I appreciate that DD wouldn't have the upbringing that I would choose for her, and her relationship with her Dad and SM may break down long term - but it is deteriorating anyway, and on top of that, she is stuck in the middle of warring parents. To be honest, even if I did get a Residency Order in my favour - he wouldn't stop fighting, because it would reinforce that I have done exactly what he feared I would - steal his DD away

Thing is, if she lived with ex and his DW, and he got CB, tax credits etc, then I wouldn't be able to afford to maintain 50:50 - in order to keep a roof over my head, I'd have to change jobs/more hours etc, and so I'd end up being an EOW mum
I'm fairly sure that is what he wants - and compared to some DC's, her life would be pretty good with her Dad - just not what I would want for her.

It seems to me Sidelined as though he is trying to push you out of your DD life. Don't let him. Your DD is telling you that she isn't comfortable with him being at certain occasions like the fitting etc so please don't think that she would be better of living with her Dad.

There is no reasoning with power-hungry people so don't try. Be vv careful that time spent doesn't go over 50%. Be rigid about arrangements and don't try to be flexible. Don't give up - it is not better for your dd to live with a controlling father- she needs you. And don't worry about the sm. She probably doesn't want control of your dd - your ex is just using her to get at you. If he's as horrible as he sounds on this thread, they may well not last.

what clink-clink said!

I think you may be right about ex using his stbDW to get at me, and about the fragility of their relationship - DD has said that her SM points out to ex when DD is upset or needs something; when I suggested that DD could maybe speak to her SM if there was something she didn't feel comfortable talking to her Dad about, she said that SM is often very stressed and that she doesn't want to make that worse

All in all, it sounds a pretty horrendous place for DD to be at the moment