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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step family: When one family pays for private education

21 replies

whatisrighthere · 27/06/2012 18:23

I am struggling with the fact that DP's children go to private schools. He pays for this.

Mine go to state schools. The fact that his go to private schools obviously has a huge impact on our personal finance. But he doesn't want to change their schools because he doesn't want to upset them.

I struggle to see what is fair here. What if my children turn around at some point and ask why they are not allowed this opportunity?

What is fair? How do other people manage this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LadyInPink · 27/06/2012 18:26

Were his children at the private school before you got together or did he tell you his chidren had to go private while you were together and this is new?

lisaro · 27/06/2012 18:31

Why don't you pay for them to go, then?

NatashaBee · 27/06/2012 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/06/2012 18:35

IF his kids were being educated privately before you got together, then fair enough. Did you expect him to disrupt them/sacrifice what he believes is best for them for you. He will always put them first, and why not. Presumably you do the same for your kids.

Bottom line: he is not the father of your kids. Their education is up to you and their father.

worrywortisworrying · 27/06/2012 18:39

CAn you not pay for them to go to?

Original poster

whatisrighthere · 27/06/2012 18:43

No, I cannot pay for mine to go. We have very little money. I work in the charity sector. I earn less than the national average.

Yes they always went to private school.

We cannot afford holidays etc. That's fine - lots of people can't. But obviously, if we were not paying for his children to attend private school then we could.

When it gets to the point where mine are saying 'Why can't I go to swimming lessons' etc (which I cannot afford), when DP is paying tens of thousands a year for his to attend private school, isn't this just sort of wrong?

I don't know the answer, I am just interested about how others manage this dillema.

OP posts:

lisaro · 27/06/2012 18:45

No, it's not wrong. That's the commitment he made to HIS children. why should his lose out so he can subsidise somebody else's kids? Ask your kids dad to pay or accept that you have to live within your means.

Original poster

whatisrighthere · 27/06/2012 18:49

Thanks - I do appreciate your views.

I do find it difficult because the education is clearly hugely superior! So maybe I am basically just jealous.

We do live within our means and have no debt - but I never buy anything new/go on holiday etc. Which is all fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisrighthere · 27/06/2012 18:50

why should his lose out so he can subsidise somebody else's kids?

I agree with this completely.

I do find it hard to know what 'family' means though within a step-family sometimes, when things are so un-equal. It's tricky.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 27/06/2012 18:54

if it was your (joint) kids then I might have a different view, but when it is your (not his) kids and his (not your) kids and the arrangement was in place prior to your relationship (or even if it wasn't in place but the intention was when they reached a certain age that it would be) then I think that is ok.

From your point of view - are you actually subsidising his kids school places? ie do you both contribute an reasonable amount to your joint household or do you fund it all while he just funds his kids? If that circumstance I wouldn't be very happy - I would expect him to contribute to the joint household (as how would he live if he was on his own).

I think if children are old enough to question why they don't get certain things then they are old enough to be given an explanation as to why not, which can include the fact that while you and their father can't afford it, their step-siblings parents can.

EdithWeston · 27/06/2012 19:01

As you knew he had made this financial commitment to his DCs education it does fall into the category of things you just have to put up with as part of the package. He is doing the right thing as a father to continue to support his earlier family.

If he misrepresented to you how much money was left over, that would put rather a different light on it though.

ReportMeNow · 27/06/2012 19:01

If he was already paying when he met you, then am afraid them's the breaks - his expenditure was already committed and is obligations to them remain the same. How many further years of school fees remain?

purpleroses · 27/06/2012 19:04

Hi. I'm in the same position as you - mine go to state and DP's to private, as they did before I met him. We're just in the process of moving in together but planning on keeping our finances essentially separate (but both contributing to household bills) so I always consider that he pays for his and I pay for my kids' expenses. I guess we're lucky that we do both have enough left for holidays and activities though.

TBH - I can see that DP's kids get a better education academically, but I don't think my kids are very aware of that. They are aware of the fact that they have lots of local friends which DP's kids don't because their school friends are scattered over a wide area - do they don't get to see much of them outside school.

If your DP has made the decision to pay for private schooling and forgo holidays I don't think there's really much you can do about it. If he's never really given much consideration to state schooling you could try and get him to consider it whenever the kids are moving up - eg to secondary or to sixth form. Where I live the private schools all take to 13 so it wouldn't be easy to transfer into the state system at that age. We have a good sixth form though so I'm encouracing DP to think about that for his eldest (who's quite keen on it herself :))

Original poster

whatisrighthere · 27/06/2012 19:09

Thanks all - this is really helping me be less bitter get some perspective.

Purpleroses: This is commited until they are 18 as his ex-wife is very pro private education.

You are right about the friends though - mine have loads and can just run into the street and find someone they know! Definitely one advantage!

OP posts:

lisaro · 27/06/2012 19:13

Whatis I thought your first post was unreasonable but you've really taken the disagreement well - good on you. If that's what you're normally like then your kids will be fine.

PepeLePew · 27/06/2012 19:18

You are very very reasonable indeed...I understand this must be frustrating, and from your point of view I appreciate the lack of money for other things would be annoying.

I am immensely sensitive to this. My children attend private school. That was a decision my ex husband and I made together about three years ago. We agreed it was the best decision given our options and the children, and agreed that it would be a commitment at least until the youngest started secondary school.

Post divorce, we came to an agreement over school fees. He is now muttering about how he and his new wife may want children in the future, four sets of school fees etc etc, and how we may have to "rethink". I am in no doubt this is coming from her.

I have pointed out that his new wife began an affair with him in the full knowledge that we were educating our children privately (indeed, she came to visit dd after her first day at school, took photos and gave her a card!), and knows the detail of our divorce settlement. My children were deeply traumatised by what happened. Everyone made all sorts of noises about "doing what is best for the children", and so now I expect them to honour those commitments. Those are, I am afraid, the breaks when you start an affair with a married man with kids, precipitate the break up of his marriage and start a family with him.

[disclaimer: this is a rant about my situation; I am not suggesting you are in the same position, just trying to show you another perspective. I would be more sympathetic to her plight if the timings had been different, but even then I think it is just one of those things...]

exoticfruits · 27/06/2012 19:21

Glad you are feeling better about it. Had my mother met someone whose DCs went to private school I would have been very resentful to have been moved from where I was happy, just to fit in because their school was perceived as better.

purpleroses · 27/06/2012 19:28

Is it really fixed until 18? As far as I'm aware the arrangement my DP has (as agreed in his divorce settlement) is that he has to pay the school fees, but both he and his ex have rights to agree what school they attend. So as long as he could get his ex to agree then he could send them to a state school if he wanted.

In reality his ex, like your DP's is v pro-private as far as I can gather, so they're likely to go private til 16 but from 16 I would expect the kids themselves to be pretty much making their own mind up. But as I said, we have a v good state sixth form here - which does make it a real option for them.

WineOhWhy · 27/06/2012 19:28

Is it likely that you and DP wil have DCs together? That, I think, makes it even harder, i.e. can't make the "his kids, my kids" distinction. So, if you did have a DC together and he did not pay for private education for this DC then he would be treating one of his DC differently from the others. If, however, he did want this DC to go to private school, then that is not fair on your DC.

crazyhead · 04/07/2012 20:20

I read this thread with interest, though I'm not in this situation at all. My main though is ouch - how hard to be big about this one.

For me, private school is a 'nice to have' luxury for the very rich, and I would have thought in unreasonable to stay in those schools if your DH isn't rich any more due to divorce (a bit like I wouldn't expect him to continue be paying for holidays to the Seychelles for his kids if money was now really tight for him generally, though I'd expect him to continue support for holidays if that had been the norm). It seems odd if you can't even afford basic things in your own marriage.

This probably reflects my attitude to private school though. And I suppose I'd say it comes down to how much your husband earns.

Theydeserve · 07/07/2012 07:44

My ex and I decided to educate our DCs privately.

During the first year in private school - he left me and has shacked up with best friend and her two DCS who do not go to private school.

@Unlike the OP, my idiot Ex has failed to contribute any money to their education or their actual maintenance since he left. He does maintain his share of the mortgage and house insurance - whooppee effing doo!

I am fortunate to be able to continue the payments - few sacrifices around the place, but the school is excellent, DCs, love the place and are happy. With the rest of the turmoil going on in their world - this is a very happy supported constant.

Now, after pressure from his new bit, he wants them moved to a state school.because when they come round to his place he wants all the kids to be equal.

He does not contribute and for the fact they have been round three times in a year - he thinks he can tell me how to spend my money! Sorry the arrogance of new partners and ex wankers sometimes beggars belief.

Sorry your partner is right OP, it is not his job to pay for your DCS swimming lessons - that is you and your Ex.

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