Trapped in a minefield of egg shells!

[eletal]

Could really do with some advice. It's also the first time I've posted, so apologies if I've not used acronyms as I should've done.

My partner and I have been together for just over 6 years. He has a 6 year old son. He and ex split before son was born. He and I met after the split, but before his son was born. Since then, ex has had another son with another guy and she's just had a third with another partner, now husband. I don't have any children of my own.

The past 6 years have been a big struggle for my partner (and me), with almost constant battles with ex. From our perspective, she has been very controlling, which I can understand, but it has been frustrating. It's improved year on year and we've worked very hard to remedy this, making lots of compromises, biting our tongues, etc. and thought we were making progress until this evening, again.

The main difficulties we've faced is that my partner's son is very bright. He's very articulate and a very precocious reader too. However, he's also only 6 and he does make mistakes, like every child does. Whenever we speak to either mum or step-dad, we usually only hear negative things that have happened, and these don't seem like such big worries, e.g. Slightly too much noise when playing with toys. Both ex and now step-dad are saying that he's doing things on purpose with a full and complete understanding of what he's doing. For example, this evening, step-dad said that son told mum "he enjoys being nasty to step-dad". When step-dad spoke to my partner this evening about it, we said it was naughty, but he doesn't really mean it, he's just trying it on. Step-dad disagreed and said my partner was sticking up for his son. Again, we disagreed and step-dad hung the phone up. I'm a bit upset at that as it was a call to speak to son, not step-dad, but hey-ho... New baby is three weeks old, so obviously son is dealing with now losing mum's attention again, but step-dad's attitude has worried us this evening. It's almost as if he was suggesting that son was being sinister.

We have son every weekend and speak on the phone every Tuesday and Thursday.

We've suggested a meeting of all 4 of us (mum, dad and step) but step dad wants to just meet my partner in a "man to man meeting to do what's best for son and the household". Again, we're a bit concerned by this and we hope we're not reading too much into it.

Any advice gratefully received!

Sorry, it is not easy for me to give you any advice as I don't have these ex-spouse issues myself. But I hope someone more experienced will be along to give you some advice.

I will say that I think the idea of the "men of the household" meeting to discuss it is positively infuriating, troubling, etc! Why on earth? If all four of you were to meet, there are good arguments to be made for that; conversely, I know some people would say that only your DP and the ex need to be there...but 'man to man'? how silly.

I'm not sure what the need is for everyone to meet is there?
If stepson's behaviour is ok when he's with you, that's good.

If his behaviour is not so good at his mother's house, that down to her to sort out, isnt it? with support from her new husband. I dont see that either of you, with the amount of contact you have with DSS, need to get involved.

That's my view anyway!

Wtf? He wants to exclude this boys mother from discussions about him?
Dont blame you at all for feeling uneasy about this/him.
Poor little boy. Do you think he is happy? Are you concerned for his welfare at all? Do you think dss would confide in you and his dad if things were bad at home?

I think your DP should stay out of it and refuse to talk to the stepdad "man to man". It is his ex and him that are the parents and should be liaising as they need to about their son.

Sounds to me like the DSS's stepfather is finding him hard to deal with and would probably like an excuse to blame your DP for everything that's wrong with him. Whereas really he needs to talk to his partner to work out what they need to do to sort out the problems in their house. There's realistically not a lot you can do to help, except to be there for DSS and talk to him about how to handle the new relationships in his life. Or you could offer to have him stay with you a little more if he'd like that?

Thanks all, it's confirming what DP (I've learnt the acronyms!) and I have been thinking. Our initial thoughts are, what is ex's husband doing as the adult to try and resolve the issue? I think he's going to blame my DP. We're not feeling very compromising now though. We always try to be positive with DS, and he has his fair share of temper tantrums with us too, but we try and use positive rewards (stickers, working towards mini-rewards) to maximise the wanted behaviour, as I'm more than aware that I'll be getting the "you're not my mother" stuff soon. I did it to mum step mum too. We asked ex if she wanted to use the same sticker chart we use, printed one off for her and gave her it with stickers and she said but you're rewarding him for things he should be doing... So, she's never used it.
We're going to offer that DS comes and stays with us on weeknights, and goes to them on weekends, but I know that ex will refuse this and say that we're accusing her of being a bad mum, which we're certainly not doing. She's tried her hardest as a single mum for four years and done a good job. My big concern is that ex's husband doesn't want DS there, so will this be a case of massive conflict in years to come?
I personally don't want my DP and ex's husband to meet, but DP has assured me that he will do it in the most public place he can find. I think ex should be there too as really, the only decisions should be made by ex and DP.
The meeting is on Monday and I'm at work, so can't even support DP at distance in a parked car!

Thanks again, it's been really lovely to read your messages of advice.

theDreadedFoosa we are quite concerned about ex's husband's refusal to understand that he's 6, not an adult, so you can't ascribe him an adult level of understanding. DP and I will contact DS school following the meeting on Monday if DP has further cause for concern and ask to speak to the child protection officer. It seems sinister to us that husband (and now his mum to some extent, following her marriage) can't recognise that a child his age will say things that they don't really mean, or understand what impact words really have.

One positive thing about meeting 'man-to-man' (boak at the phrase) is that your DP will probably get a much more honest account from the stepdad than he would be giving in front of the Mum... Might be enlightening?!