Shared Care - how can it work?

[origamirose]

Things are coming to a head with DP's ex and I simply don't know what to do and where to turn.
DP has never been one to rock the boat and this is probably why we've let things get this far. I don't want to give precise details in case I out myself so apologies for being vague.
The long story cut short is:

• DP works very long hours and his job involves a lot of o'seas travel he earns good money and fully supports his ExW and 2 children (over 50% of net income each month). Ex W does not work.
• DP is usually home for the night that we have access. If he is not then we reschedule (usually to a Friday) this happened 6 times last year (6/52 weeks). On occasion I have picked up or collected DP's children from school or from their Mum's house. Their Mum has never indicated that this is a problem or expressed concern.
• Out of the blue ExW is now refusing to allow DP's children to be in my care. Won't drop them off here (even for 20 mins) if DP is not going to be here. She does not believe that DP is taking responsibility for the children.
• Last night ExW said that she wants to go back to work and enter into a shared care arrangement.

So, can you please share your experiences of shared care?
I have serious concerns that this will not work unless both parents get on and are prepared to put the children first (this is not the case here).
I am also worried that this will end up with a renegotiation of the divorce settlement and DP getting less contact than he does currently which I think would be bad for the children or 50:50 contact which I'm not sure is the right thing for us as a couple - simply because we both work and I don't think I can step up to be a proxy mum 50% of the time which is what I will need to do.

I honestly am at my wits end. I have tried to be flexible, forgiving and the better person but right now I am worn out and don't have the heart for a fight. I just want to take the easy path which is to run away!

DH and his ex have 50/50 care and they don't get on well but manage this for the sake of the kids and also because DH gives in a lot.

From the start we had to live by his exW rules - I was not allowed to be on my own with the kids or do anything that could be considered to be "mothering". This included reading them stroies, brushing their hair, taking them to the loo etc etc.

She appears to interrogate the kids when they go back to hers and then calls and berates DH for things I have done wrong. This understandably causes friction! The rules have relaxed a bit over the last couple of years but they have had a lasting negative effect on my relationship with these kids.

We did go to a solicitor last year as she was threatening to move away with them and were told that as DH has parental responsibility she can't dictate what happens when they are with us and who looks after them when they are in his care. I think if you go to court your Dp's ex may be surprised to find she doesn't have any right to stop you looking after them. This doesn't help though if your Dp won't stand up to her. DH has put up with a lot of crap in order to keep the staus quo, so that if it does ever go to court we will have several years of shared care in the bank which a judge would (hopefully) want to continue for the sake of the kids.

Overall though I think the 50/50 split has been good for the kids. Their mum has some very strong views on a lot of things which tend to be balanced by the more normal approach of their dad! It's good for DH to have such a good, close relationship with his kids and he fought really hard for it at the time of their split.

Sorry this is long - I could write a novel on the traumas of this set-up!

Is your DP planning on changing his hours/work commitments, origami? A shared care arrangement will only work if both parents can take on daily care of the DC's - it doesn't have to be 50:50, but certainly a shared care arrangement assumes that both parents will be able to deal with Dr's appointments, school meetings etc - and you can't do those things as you don't have PR.

It sounds like his ex will have to choose between a lower maintenance payment (as your DP's income drops) and more practical support from your DP with the DC's, or less support (because he is working long hours to pay maintenance) and more money.

I do share care of my DD 50:50 with my ex, and we not have an amicable relationship at all. All communication is done through email - and there have been a few hiccups along the way. We have totally opposing views of parenting, and neither of us agree with the others way of doing things - we share care through parallel parenting rather than a co-operative model.

One aspect of shared care would be each parent taking care of childcare arrangements in their time. His ex would then not be able to dictate that you are unable to look after the children in your H's time if you and him agree it's for the best.

My ex and I do shared care. It works well but only because we butt out of what the other parent is doing unless we have a real concern. It did take a while to get here and there have been a few problems along the way.
I read "Sepreated Families" recently and that gives some good advice on shared care - the different models. It reassured me that my ex and I have done alright by our DD so far which was great.

I'm not clear from your post what the ex wants - does she want your DP to have the DC in the week for some of the time, so that she can take the new job? She clearly cannot expect your DP to do this, knowing that he works long hours and travels a lot, without support from you. For this to work all three of you (and the kids) would have to be happy with you looking after them quite a bit. You say that she isn't currently happy about this, and that you wouldn't be able to do this because of work commitments, so I don't see how it could work.

I'm also confused why you think your DP would get less contact via some sort of shared care arrangement - shared care needn't be 50-50 but it would usually describe an arrangement whereby both parents did some of the weekday contact, as well as some sort of split of weekends.

My ex and I do a kind of shared care - although not equal - he has them one or two days a week after school and I do the other days. I think it can only really work when both parent work in jobs that allow a reasonable degree of flexibility in terms of working hours that fit around school runs, taking time off for when kids are sick and only very ocassional travel or evening comittments. Otherwise, you really have to stick to the more traditional model - like your DP and his ex have at the moment - where one person puts their job first and earns most of the money, and the other one makes sure they are there for the kids when they need them.

Is what lies beneath the ex's issues that she feels your DP isn't comitted to the kids as much as she is? Is she feeling that she's doing the lion's share of parenting and that the small amount he does is (in her eyes) too often passed on to you? She can't have her cake and eat it though - if she's living off the money he gives her from his well paid job, then she does really need to accept that well paid jobs aren't always compatable with being a parent with 50% of the responsibiliy.

If your DP works overseas a lot, that doesn't sound like an ideal setup for shared care to me, or at least not 50/50 - I think your instincts are right there.

Shared care works with my family just now because DH and I live less than 5 miles away from DH's ex-wife and DSD's school. We do a week on/week off arrangement, and DSD is taken to a childminder for before and after school care. DH is comfortable enough in his job and very attached to his family - unless we became desperate for the cash, he won't seek business travel opportunities that take him away for days at a time.

The arrangement has been great for DSD and DH, and great for me in most ways too; I've been able to assimilate into the family more easily than I would if DSD was only here on weekends. But, the arrangement has limited some very important things like where we could buy a house and where we could work. It's all been worth doing anyway because DH gets to maintain a strong bond with his daughter. There'd be little point to doing this all if he was away on business all the time.

Thanks everyone.

Now that I've had some time to think about it I just know that we couldn't do shared care unless there were some serious adjustments to our living arrangements and maintenance payments.

I also know that when it comes down to it ExW will not want to lose any maintenance and a shared care arrangement is likely to go that way (cake and eat it is the phrase that springs to mind). She has already backtracked saying that shared care isn't what she needs but DP will either need to pick up after school or paying for after school club/nanny(?!) (ha ha).

We are now thinking that the best way forward (to avoid the consistently unpredictable demands of ExW) is to review the divorce agreement and put in clear contact arrangements - specific days of the week/weekends and stick to them (and only very occasionally help outside of those days).

DP is thinking about legal advice (and if we go down this route we will definitely do it through a solicitor). However, does anyone here know how you go about this sort of arrangement - can it be done through mediation or does it have to go through a court?

Mediation is now expected as a precursor to court - but depending on the age of the DCs, it may be a waste of money to seek a court order if an agreement cannot be reached in mediation.

Residency is likely to be awarded to mum in court based on the status quo - and presumably, maintenance will be dealt with by the CSA.

The court can issue an order on the RP to make the DCs available fir contact, But once the DCs are considered Gillick Competent by the court (somewhere between age 11&15 ime) a contact order will not be issued; a court recital will require both parents to facilitate contact (it can specify days and times) subject to the DCs specific wishes
That, of course, means that if a resident parent choses to they can make it very difficult for a DC to choose to see their NR parent.

Gosh. I had no idea that 11 was young enough for Gillick competence to apply - very shocked.
We would not go for residency (is not in best the interests of the children) we probably would like increased contact (one extra night in week) and I would imagine that the money situation would stay the same (there is no CSA involvement - just court ordered maintenance).
We are v concerned that the eldest child (11) is being negatively influenced by her mum who treats her more like a friend/sister than a daughter...
Sometimes I really do feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew here...

I think getting a solicitor involved is the best thing here. The fact you have stated he is well payed and gives 50% of that as maintenance is extremely exessive!! recomended is half of that. Court orders from a divorce are also only inforcable for 12 months. So I would suggest applying to change and document the childcare arrangements and also go through CSA to get a fairer monthly payment as if you are taking on an extra night this is calculated in what you should pay.
The matter of her not wanting you to do any care is seperate and she cant ask for more help around her work if shes not prepared to let you help. Continuing to pay such a high amount plus take on more time thus allowing her to earn increasin her income even more is crazy, you have costs at your end to provide a home for the children too.

Ray thanks for your input. There's no way that I would support DH dropping to the CSA advised amount. We are lucky that he earns enough to support both homes without either home going without. I would be supportive of elements of the spousal maintenance being reviewed but making a huge drop in maintenance payments is not the right thing for the kids.