AIBU or hormonal re changes to contact?

[RumTouch]

When is reasonable for a child to decide she doesn't want to come on a contact week and how much notice should you expect when plans change for non urgent reasons when you live further away?

We live overseas (for many reasons, primarily because ex-W would have to sell the house if DH went home as the jobs aren't in his home country in his sector/pay grade and ex-w, SDC etc don't want her to have to sell and therefore be forced to move from area as we (either DH & I or ex-w or jointly) now can't afford to buy in that area. We have the children for far more than we would if we lived near the children (which we can't afford to do and the jobs aren't near them anyway).

We went back for a contact week. It takes us a long time to get there. We have a small house about 3 hours from the kids. It's not as fun as where they live (close to cinemas, shopping, crazy golf and stuff to do) but it's a normal family home where we can hang out, watch tv, go swimming, go for walks and play board games together. We just don't have disney dad type fun their which we used to do when we stayed near them (at vast expense).

DSD (11) decided she didn't want to come. She didn't tell us until we arrived or that DSD had a physio appointment that was unmissable a couple of days after we arrived. Ex-w is genuinely happy with contact arrangements but also didn't tell us.

Now, in my opinion 11 is too young to make decisions about changing this type of contact arrangement. She didn't want to come, IMO, because she knew staying with mum would mean a really fun weekend on her own (she goes into disney mum overdrive after contact with us). MIL is also telling DD that she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. In this country children don't make choices about contact until they are 14.

DH won't rock the boat with ex-w (whom we have a good working relationship with) so won't bring it up with her or MIL who I think is being interfering and hurting her son by encouraging DSD not to want to go on a contact weekend.

I really, really am getting unreasonably angry and full of rage over stupid little things at the moment as I'm pregnant and hormonal so I just can't see if my POV - that 11 is too young to change contact without telling us and that it shouldn't be changed for non urgent reasons when we have travelled so far - is unreasonable.

Advice welcome but please be gentle.

No, you are not being unreasonable - and I think your DP needs to accept that his 'good working relationship' with his ex has broken down because she places no value on their DDs relationship with him.

Every 'opt out' makes it harder to re-establish contact; your DSD will be feeling guilty, and will be worried her Dad will be cross, so will opt not to see him next time - it becomes a cycle that can't be broken.
This isn't my interpretation -it is what my DSD has told her Dad in the last few weeks since contact has been re-established after nearly two years. It is going to take at least that long to undo the damage.

If your DSD mum has absolved herself of parenting responsibility and is allowing your DSD to make key life decisions such as whether or not she has a relationship with her Dad, then your DP has a small window of opportunity to act quickly and establish a court ordered contact arrangement before his DD reaches an age when she is considered capable of making that decision herself. I suggest he takes it