What would you do?

[Fooso]

Not sure if this is just a stepmum thing or whether I should put it in parenting - but you are all soooo wise perhaps you can help. I know it's long - but you need all the info. my two DSD's have lived with us for a year now - they are happy, settled and we get on very well. Due to alcohol abuse, their mum (aged 50) has ended up in a home and will never live alone again or care for them. She rings regularly and speaks to them - though to be honest the elder one (13) could take it or leave it due to their often fiery relationship. I've never met the mum but according to my DP (and I know its the truth as I did witness it in our early relationship) she used the kids against him, neglected them etc. He is over the moon he has them with him now btw. My problem is this - due to their history - both as a mother and ex-wife - he really hates and resents driving 2 hours, and taking the whole day out to take them to visit her - in his view "she doesn't deserve it" etc. It is only the younger one that really wants to go - she is a happy little girl at home and only shows upset when her mum rings as the mum crys and says things like "don't worry I'm coming to rescue you"... it's so sad. My view is that he should take the younger one to see her once a month - as I think she needs it. His attitude is it upsets her ... what do you think? is he right? or should he do it for the little one...

I think he has a responsibility to encourage and facilitate contact btwn his DD's and their mum.
But he would be within rights to tell their mum to stop with the emotional crap on the phone.

Thanks EM, he's tried that - the problem is her condition means she can't remember what she's been told. Sometimes she rings every half an hour as she can't remember she's called.

It's difficult because while I believe he has a responsibility to facilitate contact, he also has a responsibility to protect his DD's from any emotional abuse she might be doling out. Such a hard situation.

I guess the true test for him is to be 100% honest with himself and ask himself if what he proposes in any given situation involving their mum, is it what's best for him or what's best for his DD's.

Soon enough they will be old enough to make their own minds up.

I agree that keeping up contact is important, although it sounds like the contact is too frequent if it's happening every half an hour. Is there anything that can be done in the home to ensure that she doesn't make such frequent calls? If her memory isn't very good, she may have some support in the home that could help with managing the calls a bit better?

As for the visits - I agree with you: he should be taking her to visit rather than thinking that mum doesn't deserve it.