Dancing to the ex's tune...

[stabiliser15]

I am trying to look at this objectively and failing.

DH is generally not "allowed" extra time with DSD outside of contact (unless it suits exP), so as this weekend isnt one of his weekends, he didnt expect to see DSD until tomorrow when he normally sees her. ExP has known it would be father's day for ages, and made no suggestion about DSD seeing DH. So I organised a day with DH, DD and me.

ExP calls and asks DH to come and see DSD who has made some presents. DH says he can't due to our plans, but is looking forward to seeing DSD tomorrow. ExP gets DSD to call in tears about not seeing him today and sends abusive texts about how DH has let her down, how he is a feckless father that no longer cares about DSD etc.

DH has cancelled our plans and gone to see DSD.

I do not begrudge him time with DSD at all, I just resent that it is always on exP's terms, although that is not how she would see it. While I understand the desire to do what makes life more pleasant, I think DH needs to stop dancing to exP's tune all the time, because it is disruptive and because it sends a signal that it is reasonable for her to make him change plans at short notice, but it doesn't flow the same way to suit DH.

DH agrees when we discuss events after they occur, but each time something like this happens, he caves because he can't bear the impact on DSD, who today was in tears about not seeing DH.

I don't know how to help DH deal with this. If he makes a stand about the unreasonable expectations exP has, there will be an almighty falling out. if he doesn't, we continue like this.

Anyone gone through the same thing?

It's probably best in this instance to prepare for any eventualities and that would be your DH to make an agreement with his ex that he has his daughter every Father's Day. That way she gets to spend the day with Dad and you can all make plans which involve her, knowing what is happening.

If the ex refuses to agree this all your DH can really do is write a letter/email and explain that it is not in their daughter's best interests for her Mother to make plans for him without consulting him which could result in DD being upset. If she will not agree to Father's Day being DD's day with her father, then she should not make arrangements for the day at all.

I guess with hindsight your DP should have asked his ex if he could see his DSD on fathers day, or asked DSD herself directly if she's like to spend the day with him, rather than waiting for the ex to suggest it. Maybe the ex feels that if your DP wants to see DSD on father's day, it's up to him to suggest it - but then feels her DD has been rejected if he doesn't suggest it.

But as it was, I can see why your DP would have wanted to drop his plans. I'd certainly find it hard not to if one of my DCs was at their dad's crying that they wanted to see me. He was probably feeling rather bad that she'd made presents for him and was upset that he couldn't spare the time to come and get them. Does DSD live a long way away? If not, could he not have squeezed in a visit to her that didn't ruin the rest of your plans?

It's also hard to know from what you describe whether it's the ex who's stirring things up and causing her daughter to feel upset, or a (possibly oversensive, insecure) DSD who got upset at what she felt was rejection by her dad at a time when she imagined the rest of the world was with their dads, and the ex then responded to her DD's upset by sending cross texts to your DP. It might not be "on the ex's terms" really as there's nothing to suggest it particulaly suited her to have your ex go and see his DD today.

I can see where Purpleroses is coming from to some extent because it does look like this could have been avoided with a little forward planning from the OP's DH, but it really wasn't on for the ex to make plans without consulting the Father first. She wasn't certain he could pop over on the day so there was always a chance DD was going to end up upset. It would have been much better for the ex to have consulted the OP's DH prior to anything being discussed with DD.

Yes, he probably should have asked, but in previous years when father's day has fallen not on one of his weekends, that has been "tough", hence planning something else.

I don't think there would be agreement for every father's day although worth a suggestion... ExP generally won't commit to dates too far in advance in case it doesn't suit and there are no regular patterns e.g. DH is never allowed to have DSD at Christmas except for a couple of hours at a time which suits ExP, and then we all have to go to hers (approx hour's drive away) at a variable time each year, often not known very in advance, as it depends on her plans that particular year, which is obviously very limiting for us (as my family is 4 hours away in the other direction).

I totally understand why he went and why he wanted to. It did suit ExP as she went to the pub when he turned up.

Thank you for your responses, helpful to think of strategies to cope with the same potential problem next year. Perhaps DH should invite DSD on our family day next year or try to make it closer to where DSD is, and then popping in wouldn't feel like such a debacle.

It seems to me that neither your dp or his ex put their dd first here. With ex being the worst culprit.
I think ex was playing games and no she shouldn't have mentioned to dd until she'd spoken to dad.
But dad could have asked ex if he could see dd, or he could have said to you before/when you were making plans that if dd wanted to see him at the last minute he would prioritise that so you weren't disappointed.

Sent too soon
It's bloody annoying but ultimately, the child got to see dad on fathers day. Shame it was surrounded by do much conflict. At least dad will be more prepared going forward, does he learn anything from these episodes or are they utterly unpredictable?

That does sound a bit of of order of the ex - an hours drive (each way presumably) is quite an imposition on your day.

Your DP ought to try and get some better pattern of contact established - some sort of default arrangement (eg every other weekend) that either your DP or his ex can ask to vary if they want, but gives you something to fall back on so you know where you stand and can make plans.

thenambysm yes, even though previous years have been a no he should have asked and not assumed this year would be the same and ultimately he did the right thing by seeing his DD, of course he did.

The unpredictability is predictable, if that makes sense. He was crushed the year father's day didnt fall on his weekend and he wasnt allowed to see his DD. So this year, when that happened, he and I planned accordingly, having learnt the lesson that extra time on exP's weekends is generally not allowable. But he should have asked anyway.

purpleroses, yes, a better pattern of contact would be sensible for all parties to enable plans to be made etc. Won't happen though. ExP only permits DSD to visit DH twice a month for 24 hours apiece, plus one afternoon after school per week, and will only commit to those weekend dates up to 3 months in advance. Every other weekend for the whole weekend, or even every other weekend for 24 hours will not be allowed. It interferes with exP's time with DSD. This is actually far better than it used to be. DH doesnt want to rock the boat because this is actually such an improvement from what it used to be.

Think we will not make assumptions in future - clearly the "rules" can change, so DH owes it to DSD to remain flexible where possible, even if the inconsistency is maddening.

If your DH won't 'rock the boat' then he will be dancing to his ex's tune for the rest of his life - as will you if you remain a part of his life . This won't go away as the DCs get older - it will just be different issues that are used to manipulate and control him

Court Ordered contact, with specific details of what happens on each of the 'special days' (fathers day, mothers day, birthdays etc) is the only way for your DP to regain independence - otherwise, he will always be the bad guy - if he asks to see his DD on fathers day, he will be rejected, but if he doesn't ask, she will create a scenario in which he is painted as not caring- just as she did this year.

My DP was in the same position when we got together - his ex wife called all the shots - dictated when and if the DCs saw him, and would often call at the last minute to cancel or demand additional contact. She refused to discuss it and declined mediation - so court was the only way of engaging with her about it.

He applied for shared residency (which CAFCASS advised against as he and ex were not amicable), but was awarded significant contact; which included a requirement for any dates to be agreed no later than a month in advance.

NotaDisneyMum I couldnt agree more and am very much in favour of that approach. However, I don't think DH is there yet, and think he needs to be completely ready before he goes anywhere near that process, because the fall out would be enormous.