School Holidays

[unsent]

Bit of background i live with my DP and two kids - my DSS is here about 60% of the time. My relationship with DSS is not brill, despite many chats with him, he ignores me, doesn't do as i ask and back chats. Two weeks ago after really bad behaviour i sent him to his room, he was told by his dad to say sorry - this has never happened and there has been no consquence from this action. I feel that there is no respect and he simply behaves badly to see have far he can get away with it.
The holidays are starting soon and i would normally look after him in the morning till his mum picks him up after an overnight stay. I am not sure if i want to do this for the above reasons. It is normally two/three mornings a week. Advice please???

I would feel the same as you. Really your DP needs to back you on this. Are you able to talk to him?

not really. we both have different parenting styles that clash and i know if my dcs had acted this way (not saying sorry) there would of been more of a fall out. i try to detach, detach, detach all the time but find it v difficult when i am being undermined in my own house. i suppose i don't really want another row about it which i think would happen.

how old is he?

I would tell DP exactly this - that you don't feel you can look after DSS if you aren't going to have any authority over him or receive a basic level of respect.

He is nine.
Same age as my DD. Makes it hard because he does this in front of my kids so they think it is ok to be rude to me.
Did spk to DP so will see if this coversation is taken on board.

As far as I can see this is not about your DSS children test boundries all the time. This is about you and your DP if you cannot parent together then you are doomed IMHO. Like any set of parents you need to be able to communicate together and back one another up, then after (when children are not around) discuss any differences.

Good luck

We don't parent together - this is an ongoing issue he refuses to discuss it. Also there is a lot of interferance from his ex and she has made it clear to DSS that she doesn't like me. There are things that DSS says which can only have come from her and she has spoken of her dislike about me to DP. She has never said to me despite that being communicated to her.

From your post i actually thought your ss was older. My 15 yr old ss will only talk to me if he absolutely has to. He lives with us full time during term. I explained to my children that if ss is rude, he has not been brought up to behave better and i do not want the same for my children. Both mine understood that. Then more importantly you & your dp need councelling because if this is not dealt with now, it will become a hundred times worse when hormones come into the mix in a few years time.

DP will not even discuss the issue so i don't think counselling will happen. It is a disney dad situation. I suppose the solution is too parent my kids and leave DP to parent his child.

That is exactly what i do. But i still get very angry because by dh leaving things as they are, he is condoning the behaviour. Ss must not be upset at any cost. There were a couple of instances where dh had no choice but to discipline, but the everyday stuff just gets brushed under the carpet. Choose your battles as i do.

Ah yes, the everyday stuff.

Disrespectfulness allowed everyday and not a word said by DP but when the big stuff hits, he gets huffy, and expects lots of sympathy from me about how terrible it is that they treat him like a wallet, taxi service etc.

i still have that to look forward to theredhen!!!! But it will come - the buy me this started now long ago.
witch - you are right i have to pick my battles. But last night i did make it clear to DP that i was not happy about the lack of respect and no discipline of DSS. DP huffed, walked out the room and was generally unhappy but he didn't argue so i think he knew what i was saying was right. At least i got it out there so he knows what i am feeling - stops the resentment building up.

You are so right unsent- every so often i explode and do feel better afterwards. I usually wait untill ss does somethink unspeakable (eg last year shot our dog with a bb gun almost killed him), then use that to lay down the law and make dh see i mean business. Redhen, i think wallet & taxi-service are par for the course with any parent- what gets me though is the sense of 'entitlement'. I saw a text from ss to dh complaining about all the money spent in the last year which hadn't gone on him, ie our wedding, honeymoon etc. Nevermind that ds is privately educated but never bothers working, has days off because he is 'shattered'.. Sorry about the rant!

You are so right unsent- every so often i explode and do feel better afterwards. I usually wait untill ss does somethink unspeakable (eg last year shot our dog with a bb gun almost killed him), then use that to lay down the law and make dh see i mean business. Redhen, i think wallet & ta£xi-service are par for the course with any parent- what gets me though is the sense of 'entitlement'. I saw a text from ss to dh complaining about all the money spent in the last year which hadn't gone on him, ie our wedding, honeymoon etc. Nevermind that ds is privately educated but never bothers working, has days off because he is 'shattered'.. Sorry about the rant!

Sorry about spelling on mobile!

If you don't parent together and he let's his ds trader you so badly then why should you be expected to look after him in the holidays.
Your DH can't have it both ways! If you can't discipline his kid then you can't look after him!

• treat!!!

You are right in that it is about the sense of entitlement. DSC ask tell DP things like they are having a party at ours, we do all the organising and paying for and clearing up, when DSD sent invites out calling her Dad a "twat" and he reads it and doesn't bat an eyelid.

But when she never returns his phone calls, he moans to me about it.

OP - you have every right not to look after your step children if you are told how you should do it. If he doesn't like the way you see fit to look after the child, then he needs to sort something else out or have the decency to have a conversation with you about it.

I agree with Kaluki; there have been a number of times (rarely, more recently) when I've said to DP that DSS doesn't listen to me and DP hasn't backed me up - so I won't look after DSS while DP goes to a meeting or is travelling home. It usually does the trick for a while, but it does slip!

The other issue is that all the kids get on well esp the boys - my son wants dss here all the time so if i am saying no then i feel a bit guilty. i never thought that being in a step family would b easy - but sometimes it is so difficult. Everyones opinion has to b considered but i often feel bottom of the list.

The postive side of starting this thread is that i have actually said what i have been thinking the past few weeks. So at least i feel better for that. All your support has really helped thank you x