Background - eldest DSS is 11, prone to temper outbursts which involve trying to hit and kick. I also have 2 DSs, but they aren't here today. Both DP and I are involved in all the children's lives, and we do both discipline eachother's children.
Today, DP was out, we were playing a board game. Elder DSS starts irritating younger DSS. I ask him to stop, or it's no fun to play, but they both start to wind each other up, elder DSS doing the lion's share of irritating. Ends up with elder DSS literally jumping on younger DSS' head because "he was laughing at me". I said I didn't want to play a game with children who behave this way, and tell DSS1 off for jumping on DSS2 - totally unacceptable. He goes to turn TV on. I say no, there is no tv after jumping on your brother. He stomps upstairs, pushing me on the way. Again unacceptable.
When DP got back, younger DSS tells him what has happened. We have a pretty silent tea, DP tells both boys that fighting while they are playing a game and intentionally irritating eachother just spoils things for everyone. He says they can now entertain themselves without a tv or a computer for the rest of today. I also said that I feel that elder DSS is happy to ask me to do things with him, I am happy to do them (I do a fair bit with him), but as soon as I ask him to stop doing something, he throws a strop - which doesn't seem very fair". Silence on his part, and a bit of sticking fingers in ears, which I ignore.
The game is still on the floor, as is lego from earlier. DP asks elder DSS to clear up the game, and younger DSS to clear up the lego. Younger DSS does as he's asked. Elder DSS ignores request. We ignore this.
DP goes out to garage to do a chore. Elder DSS comes into the play room (where I am), and gets out the lego. I say, "before you play with the lego, please could you go and put away the game". He ignores me, continues to get out the lego. I say it again. No response. I say "DSS you are not making a good choice here. I have not asked you to do anything unreasonable. Please go and put away the game, as your dad and I have asked you to do". He continued to ignore me.
What would you do then? I felt I was being deliberately ignored, he was trying to undermine me, and he was pushing to see what happened. I felt I had no choice other than to ask DP to back me up. So I went to get his dad - he stropped to his dad, refused again to put the game away, tried to kick his dad. Eventually the game was put away, after a lot of shouting, and DP saying that if he had to go and put the game away, he would deduct £5 from DSS's pocket money.
Should I have just ignored DSS getting out the lego before he'd done what we asked him to do? That would have avoided the confrontation I suppose. I wouldn't have done that with my own DSs. I would have had the same argument with them as DP had with DSS.
DP is not a disney dad at all, but he was a bit put out that I'd asked him to help me out. He said he would rather avoid the fight he had to have with DSS. I said however, that I think DSS was pushing to see how far he could get away with a) not doing what we'd asked and b) ignoring me in particular. So I told DP that he needed to go in and back me up. Which he did do, but he didn't really want to. I also think that this fight would have happened eventually anyway, as we would have just had the argument over putting the game away later.
Should I have done this differently? I hate the feeling that DSS was trying really hard to undermine my position in my home...