Effing step daughter.

[miniwedge]

Have had a few previous threads, step daughter (she doesn't deserve the dear) has not seen dp for ten months now.
We had a few nasty texts from her mum a few weeks ago saying that stepdaughter had been emailing and we were ignoring.
Turned out sd was lying, hadn't emailed. So we got an email in the end, it was vile. She basically said that unless we give her a lie of expensive items ( think laptop, iPod etc) that she wouldn't talk to dp again.

So we both e,ailed back, we're very nice but firm. No we won't supply lots of expensive gadgets but we would love to take you out for lunch etc etc.

No reply, then had a call last week from sd's mum, sd was in the background. She accused dp of perving over sd's friends on Facebook
Then had a phone all, clearly on speaker phone asking when she could collect the stuff on her list.........

I've called her this week and text her (nicely) to remind her it's fathers day and ask if it's easier for her if I get her a card and write in it.
Nothing. Not a single response.

Have no idea what to do now. She's 12 by the way.

Hot potato, think it's up to your DP how to proceed. But I would lean on him not to cave to her demands. Brace yourself for his disappointment if she ignores tomorrow.

Same situation here OP. 12 year old SD who we rarely see turned up last week putting her order in for an I-pad for her birthday in July and continually harangued DH all day about her birthday requirements. The day ended in tears (hers) as the realisation dawned that she wouldn't be getting any of the expensive suggestions on her list. Today..not a peep from DS and DH is heartbroken. He will however keep up his regular Monday night calls (most of which go unanswered) but I do feel terrible for him.

wow - where does she get the nerve?
what does her mum do/say/think about it all...?

Not much you can do, I guess - it is awful, but obviously giving her what she wants is not an option!

Words fail me. I was a SD and doted on my absentee DDad. I never asked for a bloody thing. Never. Even when my mum was struggling and I could have done with a bit of cash (once had to blow out a date with The One That Got Away cos I couldn't afford the cinema) I would never have asked my Dad. It would have just felt wrong.
I never ever asked if I could live with him either despite having a thoroughly obnoxious SF. I guess I just knew it wasn't the done thing. I missed a few tricks there didn't I?

Consistency. Boundaries. No 'guilt' money or 'guilt' gifts.
She earns cash by doing jobs for you. She saves up or goes without.
Big presents for birthdays or xmas- one on list not all.
Tis emotional blackmail and from one so young is
Haven't read your other threads but someone has buggered up here - either setting a pattern of entitlement or a pattern of resentment.

Not much help to you

Mini I could have written your thread! one of dh's daughters she is 17, is always demanding expensive things to no avail. We simply say it has to he fair for everyone so she's gets the same as everyone else. I tried so hard at the beginning of mine and dh's relationship but in fact it us very hard when l she gives our is demands. Our opinion is at 17 she should have done sort of Saturday job to pay for things but that would intrude into her social life.

Now and again on family days out I make a point of inviting her so she can accuse dh of excluding. Most recent was Thorpe park. Dh even discussed with her about learning to drive and when she passed her test he'd buy her a car and do it up for her. He plans to do this for all our brood, I may not see him for 20 years if this happens though she seems content with that and we felt it was giving her a leg up to being independent.

5 minutes after we got home from Thorpe park 2 hour drive from home. She started on her demand list, wanting money for clothes etc. Dh was at his wits end. When he said no, coz of the car and driving lessons, she demanded to go home. We were both knackered and soaked and fed up and said we'd take get home in the morning if that's what she wanted (25 miles away) then all hell broke loose! She was crying and screaming like a 2 year old. You never loved me etc!!! After 2 hours of crying and screaming her mums boyfriend collected her after he had threatened to beat dh up. It was like eastenders!

I have no advice at all mini, just wanted u to know it's bit easy and I think step parents get a hard time for not thinking of the Dcs. But it's never clean cut. Step children in my opinion can be quite vile. I am a step mum to 5 and it's bloody hard. All I can day is be consistent and be fair. If u know you are then stick to it. do t be bullied into giving in.

Needless to say my dss didn't do anything for fathers day not even a text!

What does the mother make of the list of expensive things? Did you forward it to her for her information? I'd be horrified if any child of mine was so grasping.

We too get lists from the teen skids which full of items which are way beyond the budget that's always been in place (and which the skids should be well aware of based on what they've been bought in the past, the (crap) lifestyle we live, the state of our house/car and the fact we haven't had a holiday for 5 years).

Yet the lists always contain several items which are 100s of pounds more than we could possibly spend. I actually think it's really rude and very pointed .... there's nothing which could possibly suggest to them that our fortunes have changed. There's no suggestion, for example, that these things could be bought as combined presents from the extended family and in fact, the lists have sometimes been coded to indicate what's "really important" (but still completely out of budget) plus we also get "helpful" web links etc.

When I was their age there was plenty I might have wished for but never had the gall to (repeatedly) ask for as I didn't want to embarrass my parents who obviously didn't have any money to spare (but who were evidently better off than we are). If asked for suggestions, I'd either ask for specific items ALL within budget (in total) or suggest that I'd like anything from a variety of choices if I couldn't make up my mind. If, for example, I'd have asked my grandmother for stuff beyond her budget I'd have been in huge trouble with my parents.

Unfortunately DP says nothing to his kids - though thankfully doesn't buy the stuff because it's so unrealistic. If they were mine I'd be saying "oi, oi, you're having a laugh aren't you" or "maybe when we win the lottery ha ha". But their card would certainly be marked. My skids KNOW we can't afford the stuff they want .... I feel that asking for it on their lists is a sneaky way of somehow rubbing our faces in the situation, and designed to make us feel awkward/useless/guilty. Underling stuff in highlighter, writing stuff in great big letters and so on "THIS IS WHAT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING" is just so rude and spoilt. Their mother couldn't care less .... she's encouraged them to demand stuff when they were younger and has taken great delight in calling us mean, selfish and so on when we've had to refuse.

If I were your dh, I'd sent a card. Tell her how sorry he is that their relationship seems to have come down to him being seen only as a gift giver. Tell her he loves her....how very important she is to him etc but, he does not like her behaviour and will not tolerate it. Tell her, dad's always there for her to love/support/enable her to grow up (and she will, eventually....she IS only young) hopefully into a lovely young lady, but right now, dad won't be given lists of stuff she wants and gifts are usually given......not demanded.

Something has gone badly wrong here. Yes, she's a teen, yes she's been through her parents divorce etc etc but this girls has a scary sense of entitlement and resentment which, if not nipped in the bud, will cause her to be a not very nice and rather unpopular adult.

We have not seen SS2 since last year when he texted 'asking' if he could have £4k for car insurance (had not even applied for provisional license although we had given him money to pay for lessons for 17th b'day) - we said 'no, maybe wait to get car till passed test' and we are now persona non grata in his life.

Yesterday he posted on line calling DH a c, hoped he died, and saying how DH had abandoned his wife and 2 kids to f someone else. He was 2 when they split up and it was not because DH was having an affair. SS2 lived with us for 3 years when he had a major issue with his mother and has always payed child maintenance even when unemployed.

Sometimes you have to be firm.

Sometimes nothing you do will ever be enough. I'm afraid that as a SM/F you have to accept that. At least I now no longer have to lock my bedroom door to stop him stealing my underwear!

Altogether now - always look at the bright side of life, de dum, de dum de dum de dum..............